Shoe leather. And wanting.

November 3, 2009 at 1:01 pm | Posted in motherhood, My life, rants | 12 Comments

So, as it turns out?

My level of mental Zen is directly proportional to the amount of sleep I’m getting.

Now that O’s better, he’s sleeping more. And more importantly, LONGER.

As in, through the night.

WOO.

And so I’ve managed to catch up on my OWN sleep.

So I’m feeling good. He’s still exhausting and exciting, and physical, and playful, and fun, and every day I spend with him I collapse into my bed at the day’s end, utterly exhausted.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

This weekend we went to a baby shower. For a girl who has gone to EVERY BABY SHOWER imaginable. Even when she and her husband were having marital issues. Even when kids were a LONG ways away.

So when we got the invite for the Jack and Jill party, I knew we had to go.

(Even though I still hate baby showers.)

It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. O kept me on my toes, and since husbands were there, too, it felt like just a gathering of friends moreso than a SHOWER. So that was good.

But there were babies there. My friend J, who had her utterly adorable, gorgeous, happy, smiling baby boy in June.

And another friend N, who had her son in July. Who when she was pregnant was already planning on her kids being as close together as they could possibly be.

And it came out during the course of the party that N was pregnant again.

Her kids will be 11 months apart.

My first reaction, I admit, was to remark that she was nuts.

(Yep. I actually SAID THAT. “You’re NUTS.” )

I immediately regretted it. And subsequently spent the rest of the conversation frantically trying to make things better, speaking through the taste of shoe leather.

I totally ROCK the friend thing.

But on the way home, I realized.

I want to be in her place.

I want to be pregnant.

It freaks me the fuck out, truthfully. I think “I want another baby” and then I pretty much mentally shut down.

Because when I think about having a baby… and managing O… and my marriage… and my full time job and the cost of daycare and transitioning O to another room or making the guest room another nursery and having a newborn and the bottles and sleep deprivation and schedules and money and… AND…

Well, you can see how quickly my thoughts spiral into “OMFG. NO WAY can we manage that.”

And then I think that one is enough.

I think the most annoying part of it all is that I feel like we have to make a DECISION. To go back to the doctor, to DECLARE “yes, okay, we’re ready.”

Because in my world, ready has always meant something more than where I’m at right now.

I mean, I THINK I’m as ready as I will be.

Really, how does one PREPARE for another? I have SOME knowledge of what’s involved with having a newborn.

But.

I have NO IDEA of what having a newborn AND a toddler will be like.

So yeah. All I’m going on right now is this WANT thing. I WANT to see O as a big brother. I WANT to complete our family.

But mostly?

I WANT to be finished with thinking about TTC. I WANT to be DONE with doctors and reproductive medicine.

I WANT to live our life, and be a mom, and have our two kids, and just be DONE with all this TTC nonsense. I DON’T WANT to have the internal debate whenever I see EWCM – do I seduce my husband or not? (Because there’s always a CHANCE that we can get pregnant, as small as it is.)

I WANT to set how far we’re willing to go in stone (FETs only? ONE IVF cycle? Two? Three? Seventeen?) and then stick to that plan.

And be DONE when we end up there with nothing to show for it.

At this point, I just WANT to be done. I WANT to feel like I’m NORMAL.

Where, you know, I have the family I planned for because I WANTED it.

I know it doesn’t work that way, though. Maybe it will for us, because we get lucky enough to be blessed with the two kids we WANT.

Maybe it won’t for us, either. Maybe it’ll just be our family of three.

I’m just tired of THINKING about it, though.

And really, it boils down to this.

I just want to move past infertility for good.

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12 Comments »

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  1. I’ll report back on the newborns with a toddler thing. YOu can do it – you know you can and it will be awesome.

  2. Ha, good luck with the moving past it thing. My vote? It’s a myth.

    I’m sure you can do it. If I could do 6.5m and newborn, you can do toddler/kid and newborn. Remember, they don’t just pop out the minute you get pg, you get 9m to figure it all out. It’ll be fine! 🙂

  3. I’m past the TTC thing–and I still get edgy when it becomes time for that monthly reminder. I still think I have to put these things on the calendar. I still feel jealous when I see others with siblings closer in age. So, unfortunately, I don’t think we get to move past all of the infertility issues, even when we are done.

  4. At least you went. I couldn’t even bear to go.

  5. I KNOW you can do it. Just think there are millions of women with half the strength and knowledge as you that do it everyday!

    I give much props to the women that can just get over their struggle to conceive. I think at some point the pain will diminish (it already has to a degree), but I know myself and it will probably always be in my in my heart.

  6. Gosh, how I wish we could all get over it! You know, wave a magic wand and POOF!, not feeling those painful emotions again.

    I’m with JessPond, I think it’s a myth.

  7. 11 months is nuts. Personally, I think anything closer than 2.5yrs is nuts, given a free and uncomplicated choice, but if people want to be nuts, then, it’s up to them, I guess.

    Me – well, I just posted (finally!) some stuff that echoes some of your thoughts, so obviously I can understand where you’re coming from.

    Bea

  8. I guess it’s up to them, but I’m also annoyed I don’t get to have a free and uncomplicated choice to be nuts, or not, according to my own free will.

    Bea

  9. Yeah, your friend is nuts. I’ve never understood the “have them as close together as possible” thing.

    As for the other stuff, everyone is different. Some people are done identifying as infertile the minute they get pregnant, others always identify that way. For me, it sorta went away when my son was born (ours was unexplained infertility, so we’ll see what happens the next time we try). But as much as I hate to say this, for fear it’ll be unpopular, I think having the 2 kids (if you can) might be the only way you’ll move past infertility. If not completely, at least the closest you’ll get. I just can’t imagine not trying and always wondering if you could’ve had another, and feeling like infertility took that away from you. But I’m not in your head, so I don’t want to tell you what to do or what you’ll feel.

  10. You can do it. The best advice I got after Kara was born was that “you can and will survive the first 3 months and then it will be fun”

    I would say for me it was only the first 2 months. But Kara was colicky for 6 weeks and then turned out to be the best behaved baby ever. She is already sleeping through the night, and she is 4 months today whereas Caden who is older that O, rarely does.

  11. Sleep really is magic. If I were giving out advice to new mothers (which I don’t) the main thing I would tell them that everything is always so much easier after a good night’s sleep.

  12. 11 months apart is a bit extreme. Something probably would’ve slipped out of my mouth too 🙂

    FWIW, I think you’re more than capable of succeeding with a newborn and a toddler.

    I know where you’re coming from in wanting to move past the doctors visits, storage issues, etc. I don’t think I’ll ever move past infertility for good, though. Although DI isn’t at the surface very often, and I wouldn’t do anything differently, it has changed our lives permanently.


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