On moving past IF.

November 5, 2009 at 12:40 pm | Posted in Infertility, rants | 13 Comments

I suppose when I say that I want to move past infertility for good, I should clarify.

I mean this.

I want to move past BATTLING infertility.

To planning going back to the RE. To scheduling the HSG, the blood draws. J’s next SA, which will confirm that yes, we are still infertile.

I am fully aware that I will always have a sense of shock when I think that there are people who can get pregnant just by having sex.

In their bedrooms.

Where some people can actually do this without really even PLANNING for it.

I can’t say I’ll ever really LIKE going to baby showers.

I’ll probably always feel that low-burning ember of anger when I hear about friends and family who have trouble conceiving.

I may also feel a dull sense of envy when I see a pregnant woman for a while. Maybe forever. I don’t know.

But I can tell you that I’m TIRED of infertility being at the forefront of our lives.

Where we have to explain to well-meaning people who ask us if we’re thinking about expanding our family that, well, we’re not sure when we want to go back to the doctor, because O was an in-vitro baby and we’ll need something like that to conceive again.

I’m tired of knowing what the next response is. “Well, pregnancy could have FIXED your infertility.”

And then have to explain that no, where my surgery may have fixed the reasons why IVF wasn’t working for us in the first place, we have MF issues which likely will require doctor intervention.

And yes, it’s POSSIBLE that we could get pregnant on our own, and yes, we’re TRYING for that, but we’re not holding our breath for it.

I want a simple answer to the question if we want more kids.

I’m tired of thinking about paying for embryo storage fees, and getting on my insurance because it’s better than J’s in how much we’ll outlay for money to the RE, but it costs a whole lot more.

And I’m tired of trying to figure out how I FEEL about the whole thing. I don’t KNOW if I’m willing to do IVF again. I don’t WANT to pump hormones in my body.

I HATE the idea of having to do 2ww agains. I’m afraid I’m going to spiral back down into the whole depressing mindfuck.

Where I hate my body and then get angry that we have to do the whole thing in the first place and shouldn’t I just be happy with what I HAVE because maybe I’m being greedy and for god’s sake Serenity just shut UP about having more kids already?

So when I say I want to move past it for good… I want to be done with being ACTIVE about infertility. I want it to be able to fade into the background. I want to heal for GOOD.

Instead of focusing on what I don’t have, I want to live my life and be happy with what I have.

And if that means it’s just J and I and O? I think I can be happy with that. Because we’re blessed beyond belief that we have him in the first place.

Anyway. That’s what I meant when I said I wanted to move past infertility.



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  1. In all seriousness, is adoption an option for you guys?

    • I can relate to the being ready for the next chapter, and to be finished with family building. I’ve said that many times before. Not that you want to rush these precious early years, but they carry a heavy toll.

      As far as the adoption comment. I mean this with a ton of respect, but it’s not going to change anything by switching to an adoption route. It’s still a giant mind f*ck. It’s still draining. It’s still a huge emotional roller coaster. Trust me. I’ve done both routes.

  2. Amen!

  3. I really get it. It will sound silly, but one of the first things I thought after this past cycle failed was, “well, shit, that means another IVF for sure.” Because I am absolutely positive I do not want to raise a child without a sibling. And now we’ve only got one shot left in our freezer…so even if that works, it means it will all start up again when we’re ready to think about number two.

    Just the thought of all of it exhausts me. I so want to be done with it all…to just be able to get on with our lives.

    So I hear you. And I really appreciate you posting about this issue, because it’s something that I know I will be facing if and when we get our first baby. And I don’t think you should feel guilty about wanting more babies- it’s awful enough that we have to even doubt whether we can build the family we want- you certainly shouldn’t feel bad about wanting it!


  4. I say just go for the frozens. Then you have that one thing off your plate and a whole group of “maybe’s” gone. Really, it’s freeing.

    And…then you go from there.

    The 2ww, it still is a mindfuck, it is. BUT….with kid(s) it’s pretty much a lot better because you just plain don’t have the LUXURY of stressing all the time, you know? You have other crap to do.

    Good luck!

  5. I think I’ve moved passed it.

    I mean there are still the 2ww and the no tests.

    We both have agreed to no testing. EVER.

    So we just have sex like normal people do, but with the only realization that we are 2 and may remain so entirely!

  6. Battling Infertility sucks. Moving past it is difficult. I still feel the pangs of infertility to this day. (It doesn’t help when I get the yearly storage fee for the frozen embryo’s we still have I suppose). Good luck and hope you can get to where you want to be very soon.

  7. I call myself an “Infertile parent” ..and I don’t think I’ll ever feel any different. I may not always wage a war against it, but I’m always going to feel the effects of that.
    MY BIGGEST HUGS to you. I know exactly how you feel!!!

  8. I can’t wait till I can put the infertility battle behind us. I know exactly what you mean. It will never be gone. But once we have completed our family, I hope that things will get easier.

  9. I soooo get where you’re coming from, cuz for me, I don’t know that I ever want to go back there. It’s hard to think of bringing that back into our lives – ever. For us that’ll probably mean other means to a second kid, or no second kid, cuz I want to go back there that badly (not).

  10. I very much understand what you’re feeling. We’re considering number two also, and the body hatred is already rearing it’s very ugly head. I’m not longer lactating, and my cycles don’t appear to have returned, so I’m pretty sure pregnancy didn’t “fix” the fact that I don’t ovulate without injectible hormones. Anyway, I feel the same way you do about pregnant women, have the same shock that people get pregnant without planning for it, and also wish I had an easy response for people when they ask about what’s next for us. It all sucks. Thanks for a great post.

  11. What can I say other than I know what you mean? COMPLETELY. I want to be done, but done because I have everything I ever wanted, not because I can’t afford it or because IVF just sucks.

  12. I wish my thoughts came out half as eloquently as yours 🙂 I feel much the same way but if I tried to explain myself it would probably come out as whiny 🙂

    Also, I love the word “infertile parent”. I wish more people understood how different that is from just being a parent. My whole family thinks we must be perfectly comfortable with all things pg-related now that we have a child. Riiight.

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