A bit of deja vu.

November 23, 2009 at 10:57 am | Posted in Infertility, Mama Bear, rants | 14 Comments

(*warning: Vent ahead. Click away if you don’t want to hear my bitching. I’m okay with it, really. Just need to get this out.*)

It was at my cousin’s wedding in DC where my SIL, my brother’s wife, mentioned to my sister and I that her period was late. By two weeks.

I knew.

My sister knew too.

It was confirmed last week. My brother and SIL are expecting.

Due July 8, 2010.

First try.

FIRST FUCKING TRY.

Two years ago, my brother had his car repossessed. Because he didn’t bother reading his mail.

That very same car, last year, he wrapped around a telephone pole in the middle of an argument with my SIL because he “lost his temper.”

My SIL’s mom lives with them so they can pay their mortgage.

All his life, because he’s the youngest, and the only boy, T got whatever he wanted.

Looks like he’s STILL getting whatever he wants when he wants.

Through all of this, I could only think of my sister.

Who is on her third assisted Femar.a cycle. Where they didn’t even bother triggering her this time, because though she had multiple follicles, they were too small to trigger, and she was headed to DC for the wedding.

Where in January she’ll have been trying for three years.

Where I’ve never heard her sound so defeated, questioning God’s plan for her.

I hate to use the words Not Deserving. Because, money troubles aside, my brother is a good kid man. He’s ALWAYS worked hard. He’s family-oriented – was really upset when my parents moved to Texas, mostly because he’s always lived near them. He’s taken care of my parents’ animals when they’ve been out of town. He helped my father with remodeling, and yardwork, and all sorts of stuff.

And he’s as protective of our sister as I am. When I told him about C’s troubles, he breathed out and said “Wow. I had no idea. Poor C.”

And he promised me that he’d be sensitive about it around her.

(Yes. That includes no bragging about his biologically superior sperm. Which is why I brought it up in the first place – because he told me that he was surprised it happened quickly. That my SIL thinks it’s “because she’s fertile, but really it’s due to [his] strong and focused swimmers.” I’m quoting exactly what he said to me. No joke.)

Mostly my brother is just young. Immature. Needs to grow up.

So I can’t say Not Deserving. Because he IS deserving.

But.

I’m absoutely GUTTED for my sister.

I know what it feels like, to be in her place.

And listening to her say “It’s fine. It’s going to be fine. I can handle this” over the phone made me want to SCREAM.

At the universe, at God, at whomever has made it so that SHE has to endure this pain when my brother gets what he wants without having to work for it. Yet again.

WHY HER?

I’m so ANGRY. I don’t UNDERSTAND why it’s so hard.

IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR.

Watching her with O makes my heart bleed. Somehow she gets past his shyness with people he doesn’t know. Every time she sees him, within minutes, he’s playing with her like he’s known her all his life.

She is going to be a FANTASTIC mother.

And I’m so angry that she’s had to wait this long. I want to FIX IT for her.

I want to make it better.

All I can do is listen, and empathize, and tell her that at some point it won’t be the way it is now. That she’ll resolve her infertility some way or another.

Doesn’t mean I’m OKAY with any of this. Because I’m not.

Not at all.

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14 Comments »

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  1. Oh, that sucks. I really feel for your sister – and for you, too, because it’s a painful and awkward place to be.

    This weekend I am co-hosting a baby shower for SIL #2, PG on the second try. The other hosts are my mom and SIL #1, who is still waiting for her hCG to get down to 0 after a PMP. : (

  2. I thought about this after we talked. I hate that your sister has to deal with this news. But what adds insult to injury is that he throws comments like that around. And well he may try to be sensitive to her situation, and yours for that matter, in the end he will end up with what he wants while your sister is still being patient.

    BTW, I will get back to you on Sat with the expiry date…

  3. Also, your sister is a SAINT for being so graceful in this situation an others regarding the same issue. She rocks.

  4. Damnit–thats hard. Im so sorry she had to be in that place–and the rhyme and reason to it all is so screwy. Thinking of your sister…

  5. Very hard for you both. Thinking of both of you and wishing the universe was more of a fair place.

  6. I’m crying FOR your sister, because that really IS unfair. No fair words from me, no big revelation, no “well there is a plan for C.”..just a hug for both of you and my own tears, for a woman who deserves to be a mom and a thanksgiving wish that she will be..SOON.

  7. Ugh.

    That is tough. For both of you. I know you know that you’re doing everything you can do to support her. I also know the feeling that it isn’t enough.

    Holding you both in my thoughts and prayers…

    ((HUGS))

  8. I hate when people brag about their fertility. Hate it. And I should because it’s the.dumbest.thing.ever.

    I am sorry that you have to hear that crap. And then feel two stings of pain-for you and your sister.

    Sorry, buddy.

  9. That’s a really tough situation for all of you. And your parents, if they know about your sister’s situation.

    G*D I hope things work out very soon for her. I just hate injustices like that.

  10. Shit, I’m sorry! Sending you and your sister lots of good thoughts.

  11. Maybe a baby will help bring your brother into the man he needs to become. So congrats on becoming an Aunt 🙂

    But I’m really sorry your sister is going through this. She’s lucky she has you to talk about this with, but also to see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in O.

  12. It isn’t whether or not he deserves it – it is that she DOES. Three years is a long fucking time. Especially at the holidays.

  13. Ah shit. Shit, shit, shit.

  14. I hope your sister’s journey is about to end in success.

    And the bragging over fertility… is crass. I hope your comments beat the crassness out of him. It isn’t fair that life should be so uneven in its rewards.

    Bea


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