Putting things off, a bit.

January 11, 2010 at 12:15 pm | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), doctor, Infertility | 13 Comments

I started my official half marathon training program last week, though I’ve been running 4-5 miles three days a week now since November.

And on Saturday morning, I ran my first “long run.” 6 miles. I finished it in a little over an hour.

I’m down a full 13lbs from where I was when I started weigh.t wa.tchers in November.

I feel FANTASTIC.

And even better, I’m actually starting to LIKE what I see in the mirror every morning.

I mean, it’s been a LONG time since I’ve really LIKED what I see in the mirror. (It’s been years, really – before IVF and hormones and IF stress added weight to my frame.)

So it’s January. And J and I talked about going back to see Dr. HIT this month.

If I was being honest, I could tell you that the idea of going back to the doctor to get pregnant makes my skin crawl.

Because, you see. Right now I have some DISTANCE from the stirrups. And the blood draws. And the ultrasounds. The DISCUSSING of my ovulation habits. The semen analyses. The HSG. The estrogen and HcG triggers and needles in my ovaries and the Lupron hot flash hangovers.

Most of that stuff is so far in the past, I can mostly FORGET what it was like.

So if I were being REALLY honest, I would tell you that really it’s that I’m not ready to make the sacrifices I know I’ll need to for a sibling for O.

I mean, I DON’T want to go back to the doctor. The idea really does make my skin crawl. It’s like having to accept our IF all over again.

Because I never went back on birth control. I ovulate regularly. We’ve been having unprotected s.ex during my fertile window now for more than a year.

(Yep. We’re still infertile.)

But more than that, I don’t want to go back to the doctor for purely selfish reasons.

I want this time for ME. I want to focus on running this race in April. I want to wear a bathing suit on the beach this summer without having to suck in my gut.

I want to love how I look for just a little bit longer before I lose it to treatments, a potential pregnancy, then nursing.

It is awfully selfish. But there it is.

So we’ve decided to put seeing Dr. HIT off for 6 months. We’ll try and go back this summer. And see how we feel then.

Maybe I’ll be more ready then. I mean, after all, in July we will have two new niece or nephew babies in our life.

Maybe I won’t be ready then, either.

Either way, I can tell you that it’s a RELIEF not to have to make that call to Dr. HIT this month. And that counts for something, at any rate.

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13 Comments »

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  1. I think that’s it’s always a good idea to really know where you stand with something..and I think you’re making a good decision, one that will be good for you, J and Baby O , because a “happy mama, makes a happy family”

    congrats on that weight loss, the running, and the “feeling good” it will go a long way when it’s time to seek out Dr Hit again.

    thinking of you.

  2. I know exactly how you feel on all counts. I’m happy with myself physically right now. And not thrilled with the idea of going back to the dr right now. But for many IF-related reasons it seems like I should try to be ready sooner rather than later. You are so wise to put it off. I don’t know why I can’t convince myself that we should do the same.

  3. Whoa.. why do you think you’re being “awfully” selfish? Because of the providing-a-sibling factor? As moms we have SUCH little time to ourselves and such little time to exercise and eat well. And IF treatments would totally cut into what you’re doing for your body, mind, and soul. So, I say good for you for realizing that you need a little more time for yourself. And I say that some selfishness is a very good thing for all.

  4. I know what you mean. The cycle life seems so long ago, and while it’s more financial for us to have a sibling for V, I know what you mean. You’re loving YOU again – and when you find that, it’s hard to give up too fast.

  5. And for what it’s worth, there’s no guarantee that O and his sib will even be close or even entertain each other that much. I am always surprised at how many people grow up sharing rooms with sibs, taking family vacations, sharing clothes and secrets, yet as adults hardly even know their siblings. As parents of one kid, we ruled out the “so she can have a sibling” reason a while back for that reason. Don’t worry about it. Next time you look at a little baby and say to yourself “I want that in my arms right now”, then maybe you’re ready for a second.

  6. Oh my gosh, do not feel like you are being selfish at all!! I say go for it – take all the time you need for yourself. Give your spirit a break. Once you jump back in, you’re in. You know? Revisit it in July and then see how you are feeling. Take the pressure and weight off your shoulders. Way to go on the weight loss and running! You should be proud of yourself!!

  7. I don’t think you could have made a better decision. You know when I got pregnant while training for my half, it pissed me off. Not cuz I didn’t want this little dude, but because I was finally doing something for me agaiin, liking me again, feeling like me again, and now there’d be new sacrifices and changes I couldn’t control. Obviously it was all worth it in the end but I get it, and think it’s good for you to take this time. WHy rush?

  8. sounds like a GREAT decision, S.

  9. I think it’s a good decision. Enjoy the running – feel powerful and strong because of it and start when you’ve met that goal. I’m missing the running and the power right now, and I thought we would have been done with this BS by now. But here we are…

  10. I agree with meganlisbeth — it sounds like a great decision. Honestly, if you feel a sense of relief upon deciding, it’s usually the right choice. Enjoy the time to celebrate yourself and the things your body can do. You deserve it.

  11. I think the case is more that you’re aware of the stamina it might take and you know you need a little extra time to build it back up again. I am right there with you.

    Bea

  12. I can understand that. Being pregnant did and utter number on me physically and that is something I would not look forward to again, either.

    g

  13. So hear you. I’m bummed that I will be skipping triathlon training for the second year in a row for the very reasons you mention above.


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