Change.

March 9, 2010 at 2:32 pm | Posted in motherhood | 6 Comments

I met up with an old boss for dinner last night.

It’s been YEARS since I’ve seen him last – together we couldn’t actually remember the last dinner we had, but I recall having to discuss with him whether or not J and I were planning for kids. I also recall that we were knee deep in treatments at that point and, instead of telling him about our infertility, I stumbled over some lame excuse about not the right timing for kids. And heard a lecture in response.

And the whole time we had dinner, I remember my pants digging into my gut as I tried to drown my pathetic excuses in wine and food.

Last night was SO different, on so many levels.

First thing he said was “wow, you look amazing! Have you been working out?” And I described all my morning runs, how I’m up to 6 miles each weekday and 9-10 miles on the weekends. How I’ve worked really hard in the past few months to shed extra weight and get back in shape.

And of course, he asked me if we were thinking about siblings for O. And he extolled the virtues of having three kids, how wonderful it is.

And I honestly told him that yes, I’d like another child, but that it’s not up to me. That after three years and a lot of doctors to get to one wonderful son, I am more than happy with what I have.

Towards the end of the dinner, he remarked, “Something’s just DIFFERENT with you. You’ve changed.”

Then he added – almost as an afterthought:

“Motherhood really agrees with you.”

We talked about a LOT more during our dinner.

But for some reason, that one sentence stuck in my head. It was all I could think about during my run this morning.

I spent most of my twenties and a good number of years of my thirties building my life. First it was getting the MBA, then the MSA when I couldn’t keep a job in marketing. Then it was finding a partner, my husband. Then finding a house. Then planning for and building our family.

All of it took way longer than I expected, and planning for the next thing sort of became just what I did.

So it is surprising to me to realize that I am in such a good place in my life right now.

And it’s really all because I’m not PLANNING* for the next thing.

O is a daily reminder to live in the here and now. Because every DAY he surprises me with something he does or knows.

If I am not in the here and now, I’m going to MISS something.

It’s a lesson that, for me, underpins EVERYTHING I do in a day. If I have a bad run? There will be another in a couple of days.

When I’m busy at work? It’s just work, it’ll be there regardless of whether I stress about it or not.

To let go of The Need to Plan and just ride life for a bit has been such an empowering experience for me.

So yeah, maybe it’s true that motherhood HAS changed me.

But it’s a very GOOD change.

__________________

*I am aware that we do have some plans in the future. I am running a half marathon in April. I’m planning another in October. We’re also planning on heading back to Dr. HIT this summer for tests and then doing a FET in the early fall.

So I suppose I should say that when I mean planning, I DON’T mean planning the way it use to be – by thinking about it 24/7, researching ad nauseum, and going over every iteration of what if.

Because I don’t really THINK about going back to Dr. HIT much. What’s the point? We’re infertile and will need to go to the doctor. We know what we’d like to do – use up our embryos before we have to make a decision as to whether or not we’re comfortable with doing IVF again. There’s no point in obsessing about it right now, really.

I think about my half next month, but only as motivation for when I’m having a hard time dragging myself out of bed at 4:30am for my 6 mile run.

And that is a change in itself, for sure.

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6 Comments »

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  1. I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking to the future, as long as you’re appreciating the moment you’re in, which it sounds like you’re doing just fine. Looking to the future helps give us that motivation that makes us better ourselves today.

  2. I think AndBabyBmakesThree said it perfectly. Congrats on all you’ve done for *you* this year…your inspirational!!

  3. It’s great that you’re finally able to enjoy the now. Whether it’s down to motherhood, or whatever – it’s a great place to be.

    Bea

  4. Hello,

    I am the marketing coordinator for HRC Fertility in Encino, CA. We will be hosting a book launch for the Fertile Kitchen Cookbook on Thursday, March 18th 2010 in the Los Angeles area and were wondering if you would post the event on your blog to open the invitation up to any couples that can benefit from this free event!

    There will be book giveaways as well as a free food demonstration for foods that will optimize couples’ fertility and a wine tasting! Please let me know if this is something you would be interested in posting. Thanks!

    Sorry for the long post! I wanted to email you personally but could not find an address!

  5. I’m definitely a “planner” to a fault and it’s so true that when I don’t “plan” things just have a way of working out 🙂 Funny how that works!

    I’m definitely envious of your motivation to get up at 4:30 to run….I can barely get up at 7am to go to work. And that sure needs to change 🙂

  6. I’m so glad you’re in such a great place. This time of year always reminds me of three years ago, when the sh*t was hitting the fan big time. It’s amazing to see where we both are today!


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