March 24, 2010 at 10:15 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Cheese with that whine? (aka rants), Infertility, milestones, motherhood | 8 Comments

I have been trying to sift through the swirling, conflicted emotions I’ve had lately, to no avail. So to get it out, I’m going to bullet it here.

1. O caught a stomach bug on his birthday – he ended up getting sick three times at daycare the hour before we picked him up, then once again at home. My hopes for a family dinner with cake and singing were dashed, but luckily he rebounded quickly and didn’t get sick again after about 6:30.

Which was good, because we were able to catch our plane to visit my family down in Florida. And yes, we did call and warn everyone down there that he had a stomach bug… but everyone told us to come. So we did. And as it turned out, as of this publish date, the only person who caught it was me. After my 10 mile run. Ouch.

2. On O’s birthday, as I was leaving daycare, I ran into another mom from O’s toddler room. (Her youngest daughter is a few months older than O.) Back in the fall she debuted her brand new minivan, and when I saw her on Wednesday the reason for it was clear. Big pregnant belly. Her third.

And I am ashamed to admit that my first reaction when I saw her can’t really be put into print. It contained ALL expletives, you see.

It’s depressing to realize that for all the love I have for my son, and how I often really think I’m okay with what we went through to have him…

I’m really NOT okay with it.

3. Because with every cycle, I hope for a miracle. Where all of a sudden I realize, hey, wait a minute, I haven’t had any spotting. When was AF due? And I can look at a calendar and realize with shock that wait a minute, AF was due LAST WEEK. And I can take a hpt and see two lines immediately.

I don’t know why I keep mourning the loss of getting pregnant the old fashioned way. I THOUGHT I had already accepted it.

4. So I’m trying to focus instead on my running instead. Which, honestly, is HARD right now. This is the hardest month in the training – my weekday runs are 6 miles, and my long runs on the weekend are 10 miles (11 this coming weekend, I think). And though I get more confident with every long run that I can, in fact, finish a 13.1 mile run, I’ve lost all the improvements I had made on my pace time because I’m tired a lot more. For the past couple of weeks I’ve wondered if I’m overtraining. So this week I skipped my Tuesday morning run to recover a bit more. We’ll see how I feel on Thursday and on Saturday, though.

5. I’m also trying to focus on the running because I’m feeling guilty for wanting more than what I have right now. I’m trying to reconcile this desire for another child with the thankfulness I feel every day that we even have O here with us.

I know that both can coexist, but right now the two desires are warring with each other. So I try not to think of it much at all.

6. O is just amazing. He’s taken to bossing us around in the past week. “Mommy sit HERE,” he’ll say, patting the kitchen table bench next to him. He orders both of us to “COME!” when we tell him it’s time for his bath.

He flourished under the attention he got in Florida from his grandparents, great-grandparents, and great aunts and uncles. I’m convinced that he now believes he is the center of the universe – as well as he should after a visit with his extended family.

7. I miss having my family around here. I’m finding that I hate the idea of asking my in-laws to take care of O for us, because I worry about putting them out. I loved being in FL and knowing that my mother not only would take care of O, but RELISHED the idea of spending time with him one on one. I loved that I knew that my mom wouldn’t sweat the temper tantrums, whereas I worry that it makes my MIL nervous.

I am finding that I really wish my parents lived closer to us. I miss them.

8. With every day, I see more and more of a little boy in my O. Which is COMPLETELY awesome because he’s getting more sure of himself every minute of every day.

But it’s bittersweet. Because the time is going so fast, and I’m well aware that he’s going to be my little boy for such a short time. And in a blink of an eye he’s going to be off to college and then married with his own kids.

I really AM looking forward to getting to know the man he’s going to become.

But at the same time, I have to acknowledge the part of me that misses the itty bitty newborn I held in my arms. That time in the hospital, where it was just us three, and we were drunk on love of FINALLY having him here? It was such a sweet place to be, and there are some days where I miss it.



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  1. I am glad that the stomach flu waned to be able to let you go to FL. I love that O got to be the center of the universe…

    I do know what you are talking about. I find myself wondering how you make all this time last? How can you make time stand still and have them be in your arms a little longer, and at the same time I can’t wait for tomorrow to see what they have learned, will say, who they’ll be.

    I have been having conflicting feelings about having another child, very selfish of me I know. But like many other mothers of twins, I wonder what it would be like to just have one and be able to give them all my attention. All my focus. My boys are wonderful, but dividing myself for them is heart wrenching some days. Yet, I know when I hold a new baby, I ache for another chance to feel that.

    I think just writing it all out will help you through it, and we’re always here to listen. 🙂

  2. A friend just announced she was 20 weeks pregnant with her 2nd, and I knew she planned on trying starting in September. Which means she got knocked up the first or second try. And we are on cycle 15, and our 2nd treatment cycle. And my hopes are small.

    And now I am trying to figure out how to avoid her when she visits our town next month, because I am a rotten person full of venom and grief.

  3. Serenity, this is all normal! And sounds so much like me. I would love a second, too, but sometimes I wonder if I’m really trying to recapture that moment when my son was born and it was the beginning of a whole new stage of life and everyone was so excited… My friends are having their second children now, too, and for the most part I’m barely able to muster a polite response. Sometimes I’ve actually told people they should not have their children so close together (I don’t really care, it’s just resentment that they planned it and it happened just like that).

  4. Totally hear you on the parents vs. in law babysitting situation. There is something so special watching your own parents (especially your mom) lovingly dote on your child. We moved close to my folks a while back for that very reason. Love my in laws, but for them to watch my daughter there has to be intense scheduling, instructions, etc. My mom just gets it.

    Per the running, know that whatever you run regularly can be doubled during a race without too much fanfare, so you are ready right now for a halfie. I really stressed about mileage during training for my first marathon, but in the end it was unnecessary. Although for peice of mind I would recommend doing at least one 11 mile run prior to your halfie, then you’ll know you can complete 13.1…cause running 2 more miles ain’t no thing after 11. And yes, overtraining is worse than undertraining, so good for you for scaling back.

  5. I’m sorry things are partially suck. It stinks that it’s not easy for everyone to just POOF! have a baby. 😦

  6. I totally hear you on wanting a second (we stopped ART in July (after our dismal DE cycle), I’ll be 44 in May, and actually had an HSG done just recently at my OBs suggestion that I could get pregnant on my own. Ha! Take that, universe!).

    I’m practically embarrassed to admit that I’m back to using the fertility monitor and have retained a modicum of hope that with low FSH, two open tubes, regular ovulation, and the will of the universe, I could get pregnant…but, really?

    And if not this way, then no way, and then where will I be?

  7. I hear you on the maternal vs. paternal grandparents thing. I’m practically apologetic whenever we ask D.’s parents to watch the girls. Like they shouldn’t be helping ME out when D. is their son. I would never feel that way about my own parents.

    We never got to have the newborn love-drunkenness thing. I don’t know of any twin parents who did. I have so much, but I do feel that we missed out on the firstborn magic. : (

  8. I still wish we didn’t have the infertility, too. Not thinking about it is a good tactic.

    Hope your next run feels better.

    It is good to be near family – ie your family – with the little ones. Hope your next visit comes around soon.


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