Embracing me?

May 3, 2010 at 10:19 am | Posted in My life | 5 Comments

I push myself. Sometimes too hard.

But mostly because if I’m not pushing myself I don’t feel ALIVE.

I find happiness in planning ahead. In progress, moving forward.

I compete with myself; trying to find my limits. I compete with strangers. But never against people I love.

I am quick to anger. It’s better for me to just get it out; like a thunderstorm, it passes quickly and moves on.

However, if presented with someone who doesn’t understand that, I’ll bottle it up as to avoid making them upset.

I’m not very good at it, though.

I am forgetful. Of things that are important sometimes. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Special occasions.

I forget names. And faces, too. It’s not that I don’t care about people; on the contrary, I find meeting new people fascinating. I just am not good at remembering names.

I hate to ask too many questions. I’ll ask one or two, and if I don’t really get a response, I’ll stop asking.

I’d rather be seen as uncaring instead of nosy.

I hate to say the wrong thing – to have something come out of my mouth that I immediately want to take right back.

I hate FAILING at something. The worst feeling is when I work really hard and still manage to fuck something up.

I am a much better auditor than a practicing accountant. I keep telling myself that it means I’ll be a good manager someday, but often I wonder if I’ll make it that far.

I hate not loving what I do, but I feel shackled into it by graduate school debt and reponsibility to my family.

My unhappiness in my career often makes me question everything about myself.

I am unequivocally self-conscious about almost every facet of my life. I work really hard at pretending I’m confident.

I am not sure there’s ever been a time where I’ve actually LOVED myself. Where I’ve embraced me as ME – both my strengths AND weaknesses. I’ve been trying to FIX myself for almost 35 years now.

And I think it’s time I just accept who I am.

But I’m not sure I ever can.

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5 Comments »

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  1. Beautifully said. There is so much of this post I could have written, from the need to always plan and organize, to push ahead; to the fact that I so suck at new faces and names.

    Sometimes I think we just keep on having to redefine and renew ourselves. I am forty and still do not know who I really am sometimes.

  2. I think there is a difference between striving to be a better person and improving myself VS FIXING myself…ya know? I can love myself and still want to change some things – to improve, evolve…if that makes sense.

    I don’t think you need to FIX anything, you are an amazing person. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be a work in progress and want to keep getting more awesome.

  3. wow, Serenity. I don’t know what to say…only because I don’t see you like this at all, but maybe that’s the point?

    I think you are amazing, confidant, caring, empathetic and a hell of a lot of fun.

    I know how it feels to really not like yourself (I am case in point these days) and maybe it just needs to be up to you to start liking yourself for who you are, who I see..who I like!

    we never stop growing and learning, we never stop competing against ourselves to be better, but I can tell you that I think that in just the asking on your part, shows that you have what it takes to get there…to love yourself as much as those who LOVE YOU do.

    HUGS

  4. wow my friend… what a beautiful post. You are a very special woman. being aware of who you are is not an easy thing, you seem to have that part figured out I must say, it is a pleasure knowing you!

  5. I think that becoming true to yourself is a lifelong process. Some days I’m stunned by my faults, which include acting like a know-it-all, interrupting people, blowing things out of proportion, and being very indecisive and often unmotivated.

    I think you’re a total sweetheart, though. : )


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