Still infertile.

May 15, 2010 at 8:10 pm | Posted in Infertility, Mythical #2 | 19 Comments

It wasn’t until I started penning the post for National Infertility Awareness Week that it actually hit me why I was so BUGGED about the idea of having to go back to the RE again.

Every time I considered making a doctor’s appointment, I had almost a physical reaction. I wanted to throw up in my mouth. Cry. Run away. Scream.

All completely irrational thoughts, for myriad reasons.

Because logically, I know this. If we didn’t go to the doctor, O wouldn’t exist.

No matter how much I tried to talk my way out of the emotions, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to even THINK about going to the RE again.

Why?

I couldn’t figure it out.

Until I started writing about IF again.

When we were trying to get pregnant the first time, I would have walked to HELL and back to become a parent. (Actually, I sort of DID walk to hell and back.)

And our three fresh cycles, three FETs, and three years of fear and worry gave us our O.

So I’m a parent now. I got my wish. I am thrilled to have him, thrilled I’m here, thrilled by it all. Not a day goes by when I don’t count myself lucky to be his mom.

But, if we’re so lucky enough to get pregnant a second time, well, we’re done with kids.

And my issue with going back to the doctor has everything to do with accepting this one fact.

I will never get pregnant on my own.

I’m mourning something I’ll never get to do.

Which is fucking ridiculous. I never look at O and think “IVF baby.” How he came to be is never on my mind. Going to the RE is akin to taking medicine for allergies. It’s just our REALITY, and I need to accept it.

So while I was feeling strong, I put on my big girl panties, took a deep breath, and called my clinic to make an appointment for a consultation.

It’s scheduled for Friday, July 9.

I hate the idea of doing this all over again. I never wanted to have to see Dr. HIT again. I so wanted to believe my OB when she told me that she had patients unexpectedly pregnant after years of fertility treatments.

I wanted to be the urban legend.

I’m not, though.

My name is Serenity, and I am still infertile.

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19 Comments »

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  1. I hear ya…I am in a similar circumstance. Planning on going to find my big girl panties so I can call my clinic on Monday. It makes feel sick, too.

  2. My name is Heather and I’m still infertile.

    You aren’t alone.

  3. I am still infertile right along with you.

    See, I don’t have issues with needing to go back to the clinic and doing IVF again since we don’t have anything frozen. My issue is with the fact that K was such a statistical fluke and I don’t know that we can get that lucky again. I am scared that she is it.

  4. Still infertile here, too. Somehow, going back to the RE for the initial consult and tests wasn’t a big hurdle for me. But damned if it didn’t take me 3 months to schedule the follow-up. It’s this week and I’m terrified.

    If it helps any, I really wanted you to be the urban legend too.

  5. I so hear you, Serenity. The urban legened, the wanting to throw up when thinking about making the call… Still infertile over here too.
    I think that picking up the receiver to call the clinic was harder this time. Last time I was already so desperate, and this time, it’s a reality check.
    It’s comforting, though, to know that we are in this together… again.

  6. Statistically, the urban legend isn’t as common as you’d think. Infertility is a disease, not a mental state. But the problem is, whenever someone becomes the urban legend, you always have to hear about it. You never hear the story about the girl who did IVF, then went back for round 2 to have another child (I happen to know WAY MORE couples who had to do IVF for all their children, than those who had a miraculous subsequent spontaneous pregnancy). Or the story about the couple who went on vacation and came back not pregnant (I know WAY MORE people who “just relax” and stay not-pregnant). Or the couple who adopted a child and now lives a happy life as a family of three because they never did get pregnant on their own afterward (I can’t name ANYONE who adopted and got miraculously pregnant after that). Or even the couple who just stopped trying and chose to remain child-free… and never got pg (my boss is child-free after years & years of infertility and finally just choosing to quit trying). I HATE HATE HATE people who think that’s the norm. And I HATE HATE HATE that you have to go through this again, Serenity. Seriously, I hate that any of us have to go through so much to have our children!!

  7. I remember that feeling, but I didn’t let it stop me and now I have my two kids and you’re right, I never think about how I got them. Ironically, I would be much more at peace with being “done” if I didn’t have frozen embryo’s to make a decision about. I have no wish for a “surprise” pregnancy now… if I am going to have another I want to use up those embryo’s.

  8. I used donor eggs to get to my first full term pregnancy and I still harbor hope that I can get pregnancy without treatments. Not that I really want a sibling that is not 100% genetically related to my first, but I would love to get pregnant without having to get into the stirrups.

  9. My 44th birthday is on Tuesday and tried as I might, I could not get pregnant again through IVF or even a DE cycle. I, too, am infertile and I, too, hope to be an even bigger urban legend than you! I want to be the 44 year old, who, after conceiving her first by way of her 2nd IVF/PGD cycle and who spent 100K in an attempt for a sibling, magically, miraculously, and successfully, gets pregnant by having sex with her husband after finally closing the door on ART.

    I seriously wonder how old I will have to be to give up on this fantasy.

  10. Still infertile here, too.

    Someone told me (not joking) that if you just do it doggy style, you’ll get pregnant. I think the RE’s don’t tell you this so that they can keep the corner on the IF market. Just passing along some helpful info. 😉

    • Love this theory about why REs don’t tell you this. 🙂

  11. You’re not alone (and you know that) but I’m here to tell you that I Do (Sometimes) look at my kids and think you are an IVF baby (AND THANK GOD FOR IVF) while knowing they wouldn’t be here without it

    I am done having children, but when I get “baby fever” and I do…I always think about the fact that I can’t do it alone..and honestly sometimes I’m glad I can’t…that I need help to do it, it feels like the universe is in on it then, that it DOES take a village sometimes and I am part of that.

    sending hugs ….and feelings that you’re not alone my friend.

  12. Ugh, I soooo feel for you that you’re heading back into this. I can’t imagine what that feels like.

  13. Sorry you had to make that first step, but hooray for doing so.

    • This is when you get pregnant, right? Like right after going for your consultation??

  14. Still infertile here too. Well, we were for a split second that urban legend…the couple that never got pregnant w/o IVF, finally had baby #1, and then had a completely surprise unassisted pregnancy when he was 14 months old (ironically, while waiting and waiting for my cycle to start so I could go in for CD3 bloodwork and get another IVF cycle rolling)…only to have it end in miscarriage (despite having seen an early heartbeat). I had those exact same feelings about going back to the RE, even though at the same time I knew that RE’s office was responsible for bringing me my son. And I sucked it up and went…and it wasn’t as horrible as I built it up to be. We did another IVF round and as much as I hate that I have to go through this process to achieve a healthy pregnancy, I am glad we did it, as I’m now 12 weeks along and cautiously optimistic that we’ll have a second child this fall. But to be honest, even up to the day of my first pregnancy test I had really mixed feelings about the whole process and jealousy towards those who never have to step foot in a doctor’s office to build their families as they desire.

  15. Yeah, that’s the really crappy part…. accepting that it will never happen without IVF. I struggled with that on top of everything else while I went through the cycles to get pregnant with this one. And it doesn’t help that people – who know the circumstance, the multiple multiple IVFs – keep saying, “Well you never know!” Yes… sometimes you do know. Sometimes IVF really is required. And it sucks to know it.

  16. I’m still infertile, too. Sure, I’m on BCP and I do feel that my family is complete against the odds, so I’m not trying to resolve infertility. But seeing as how nothing about IVF/ICSI resolves male factor IF, and IVF/ICSI is what it would take to get me PG again, I’m infertile. And we have no frozen embryos, so there’s not even that chance. Yet it hurts a bit when I stop to think about it, which I do, more often than I thought I would. Especially because now I see so many PG women with young toddlers who are I. & N.’s age. And I think, wow, that’s a different world.

  17. I understand. For me it took working up to it to make that call to the RE.

    Then again. I guess I always think of myself as an infertile, because I share freely with people that NO, I won’t be getting pregnant by relaxing. Frankly my dear, that would have the opposite effect. I’m not over-zealous in my explainations, I’m just firm.

    I am pregnant, from our recent IVF, and I am scared of another loss because I know that on top of loosing my child I’d have to go through the whole thing again. I have nightmares about this stuff.

    Thanks for putting it into words.

    I am Nearlydawn, I’m pregnant, but I’m still infertile.


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