16 years, 1 day.

May 25, 2010 at 9:34 am | Posted in My life | 5 Comments

Amy –

The day came and went. And even though I thought about you last week, I forgot that yesterday was the day.

I could say that my melancholy mind state was related to the fact that subconsciously I knew it was the day, but it wouldn’t be true.

It wasn’t until I saw M’s Facebook post this morning that I remembered.

(Which is bullshit, by the way. She wasn’t even your friend. She wasn’t there at the wakes, or the funeral, or any of it. She just likes to take CREDIT for missing you. And it pisses me off.)

Sixteen years since the worst day of my life.

Sixteen years you’ve been gone – almost as long as you lived.

I wish my feelings have changed. Over time they’ve gotten less pervasive – I go through most of my days without thinking of you. February is hard- your birthday.

Spring is hard too, when I think about it.

But I don’t often think about you. I don’t know if it’s coping, or time, or distance, but you’re not on my mind nearly as much as you used to be.

The grief, though, hasn’t changed.

When I do think about you?

The pain is still as heavy and deep as it was the day you died.

I can’t seem to accept that I didn’t have SOME part to play in your death. Every time I think of you, all I can do is whisper “I’m so sorry.”

I have so many regrets.

I’m sorry I didn’t do more for you when I could have. I’m sorry I took for granted our time together. I’m sorry I couldn’t lift the burden from you for even a little while, to show you past high school and our hometown there was LIFE. I’m sorry I couldn’t fix things.

I think of you often and wonder what sort of life you’d be living now. Would our kids be close in age? Would we talk all the time? Would you spend those two weeks at the Cape with your family, and would we see you then?

I’m not sure there will be a time where I don’t wish things were different.

I love you, and I miss you.

And I’m so very sorry.

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5 Comments »

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  1. OH Serenity, Oh…I’m so sorry for your loss. For any pain it still causes you..for any love you miss from her, from the hugs and laughter you never got to share.

    I feel like just wrapping you up in a hug right now (I am currently dealing with something in my friend world and I don’t know what to do, because reading your post…reminds me that I don’t want to live with regrets later)

    please know I am here if you need me…and if not…then I’m here anyway..ready to hold some pain for you if I need to.

    HUG

  2. A beautiful post and tribute to your friend.

    [Hugs]

  3. I am sorry for your friend and I am sorry for your regrets.
    Sending you love and hugs.

  4. Regret is one of the hardest things to get past. And in a situation like this, it’s so hard not to wonder, “what if”?

    Bea

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.


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