Acceptance.

June 17, 2010 at 7:46 am | Posted in Cult of Personality, My life, rants | 9 Comments

Thanks for all the support and advice on my last post. I really appreciate it.

It was actually hard for me to post yesteday. I’ve been unhappy, in general, for a while. I HATE posting when I spend my time whining. Because I mean, shit. Before the Inner Critic steps in, I can look in the mirror and think “damn, I look pretty GOOD.” Intellectually, anyway, I’m there.

I have a suspicion that this is just a symptom of a larger issue, though. Lately I’ve been really struggling with balance and feelings of worthlessness.

I don’t neccessarily feel like I’m FAILING at everything, but I don’t see success, either.

And it really does make me wonder if I’m starting to obsess over the things I CAN control to compensate for the other stuff I don’t feel like I’m good at. Like, if I lose MORE weight, I can make up for the fact that I feel like we don’t spend enough time with family and friends. Or that I hate the politics in working at my company. If I run a 9 minute mile, I’ll make up for the fact that I feel like I’m sort of a crap wife to J right now. Or that I’m coming up on 35 this year and feel like I don’t have a lot to show for it.

It’s the same feelings of worthlessness I’ve had, well, since I was a kid. I’m not good enough. I’m not working hard enough. I need to do more, be better, keep pushing. Et cetera.

And I know where the Inner Critic comes from – just an extension of my childhood, the fact that I never really felt an unconditional love from my parents. (Even though I KNOW, now that I am a parent, that they DID, in fact, love me no matter what.) Clearly I feel like I have to work hard to be deserving of love from my husband, my son, my family, my friends.

But I’m tired of being shackled to my Inner Critic.

I want to figure out a way to accept myself for who I am. To know that, yes, okay, I’m not good at remembering birthdays and I have thighs that touch and if I’m trying to meet a deadline I miss details because I work too fast… but it doesn’t MATTER because I’m pretty damn awesome.

Really it boils down to acceptance. Accepting that I’m ME. And this is the only life I’ve got, so what’s the point in spending it feeling crappy about what I’ve done? I need to get on with the business of LIVING.

And that’s where I think all of your suggestions are going to come in here. Maybe it’s about nourishing my body. Maybe it’s about working through all the issues KEEPING me from being happy with someone who does it for a living. Maybe it’s about being kind to myself, sharing these fears with J, and not buying into the whole skinny culture thing. Maybe it’s all of it.

So today I’m going to start talking my way through those negative thoughts. I worked on it this morning already – during my morning run I ignored my pace. If I needed to slow down, I did.

I think I just need to be gentler with myself. And stop being so damn concerned about ACCOMPLISHMENT. To just live in the moment, and ignore the unkind words I tell myself, and focus on the good.

We’ll see how it goes.

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9 Comments »

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  1. hear, hear sister! It’s hard to be gentle with ourselves, esp. if you are wired to overachieve. Esp. if you find yourself in a situation where there’s very little control and none of it feels like its yours. I so get this.

    I read an article this year that actually talked about silencing your Inner Critic. As in, when you hear yourself dissing yourself in your mind actually having a conversation BACK with it reminding it how cool you really are. Making a huge mental effort to counter negative thoughts and snarky comments to yourself with positive.

    This makes sense, but in practice, this usually results in a huge yelling match in my brain, and usually when I’m coming up on mile 3 on a run. Which makes some other voice inside me just laugh. Which actually helps me get through the run. And the day. And the feeling of being out of control of something I want more than anything.

  2. Baby steps.
    We are all works in progress.

  3. You know, you are making progress by just seeing these issues. Knowing where you are is a good way to find your way through to where you want to be.

    I think we all feel insecure in ourselves at some point in our lives (more than others). You are at a stressful part of your life and I am sure that is a contributor to these issues too.

  4. I’m not going to write anything…I’m just going to thank you for letting us read and share all that “Stuff” and tell you that you know exactly what you need to do and exactly who you are.

    YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE AWESOME and you…ARE MORE, MORE, MORE than enough.

    xo

  5. I’ve been feeling bad since I posted my comment yesterday, like it was really callous. My son woke up and started screaming when I was typing, and it kind of threw me off. So I am sorry if I sounded like I wasn’t taking you seriously. You have accomplished a lot, and I hope we as your readers can help you see that a little bit.

  6. I know what you mean. My inner critic is always after me. And it’s not just my body – although I laughed because I realize how skinny I am when I look in pictures too and I don’t realize it in real life. But I’ve been overly critical about work too. And getting things done around the house. I think I need to cool it down too.

  7. Dealing with the inner critic is really freaking hard. I struggle with it a lot.

  8. I could’ve written this post. Just wanted you to know you are not alone by any means. We are SO hard on ourselves…those inner critics need to have their butts kicked. 🙂


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