Yep. I still hate uncertainty.

July 8, 2010 at 10:14 am | Posted in Mythical #2 | 17 Comments

So I’m not all that good with uncertainty.


Really I just hate the not KNOWING part of it.

A lot of my quiet in the past couple of weeks has to do with the fact that I’ve found myself catapulted into a place in my life where I’m uncertain about a LOT.

I’m not sure that the career I’ve chosen was the right one, but for myriad reasons I feel like changing to another and starting over isn’t really an option for me.

So I’m trying to come to grips with the fact that this might be IT for me, and working on figuring out what I need from THIS career in order to have some semblance of contentment.

I have no answers yet. But I’m working on it.

I’m also really not sure about the whole TTC thing again either.

Mostly because I think I’m one of the few freaks that sees a baby and isn’t drawn to, you know, HOLD IT or something. I see a baby right now and I think about the physical work having a baby entails. The sleep deprivation. The nursing and pumping (and resulting supply issues). The guessing as to the reasons why there’s crying/no sleeping/sleeping too much/etc.

And I really honestly wonder how we’ll manage all of that work, this time WITH a toddler, too.

And so, of course, I go down the path of thinking are we going to the doctor because it’s expected that we have a sibling for O? Is this what we really WANT?

Thing is. I’ve always imagined having a family of four. Intellectually, I know I want O to have a sibling because I very much value my brother and my sister, and I know that J values having a sister, too. I see O and his cousin D play together, and I want that for him, every day. There are so many benefits I can see for O having a sibling. And I think he’ll make such a good big brother, too.

It’s just that I feel SO different this time. I don’t have that ache, that longing like I did before O.

And I can’t tell if it’s because I’m not really ready for another or if it’s just because the before O ache had been amplified by a lot of trying and failing.

Or maybe this is just my way of protecting myself from the Spiral of Suck of IF. To sort of remove myself from all the emotional crap that cycling again might bring up.

But man.

I worry a lot more now. I worry that maybe I’m pushing the timeline, starting before I’m ready. But then I worry that if I wait any longer, I’ll have NO desire for another, even though I want O to have a sibling. And I worry that it’ll take ANOTHER three years, and if I wait too long, I’ll lose our window of opportunity because my eggs are too old. I am fully aware of some ticking biological clock hidden somewhere deep inside me.

And I worry about the change in our family dynamics. How there are some weeks where I feel like I’m barely holding the edges of our lives together, and putting stress on that might blow our whole life up. How I KNOW that stress and sleep deprivation makes me less patient, and I need an endless supply of it with O right now.

And I worry that, with too much stress, I’m going to turn into my mom. I’ve managed to avoid it thus far by recognizing when I’ve had enough, taking a deep breath, and counting to ten, but what if that won’t work when I have BOTH a crying baby AND a testing toddler within reach?

I worry, and I worry, and I worry.

And then I keep telling myself that I need to chill the eff out, to just relax, and deal with the fact that yes, life is going to change, but I should trust that my heart will be able to accomodate more than just O in my life, and it’s okay that I’m not fully ready, because who really IS ready?

Man, this would be so much easier if I had a crystal ball.

But since I don’t have one, I just have to jump in. And trust that since I have no control over when (and even IF) it happens, I’ll be able to adjust and ride it out and come to some place where I feel some measure of success with a new reality.

It’s just uncertainty.

I can handle it.




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  1. I’m horrible with uncertainty, too. The thing that drives me absolutely mad about infertility is not knowing what is happening or is going to happen. I’d give anything for that same crystal ball to know if what I’m doing and what I’m putting myself through is going to get me to where I want to be… or, if it’s all simply a waste of time and energy. You’re right though. In situations like these, we just have to roll with the punches and be prepared for anything.

    I hope you find peace and clarity in the coming days.


  2. Stop being so hard on yourself.

    Visit WalMart. Seriously. Have you seen the people with eight snotty nosed dirty kids all named Shane? They manage. If they can do it – so can you.

    You are an Awesome mother. You can totally handle two kids. There will be moments I’m sure where it will all seem too much. Just keep perspective. (I’m really talking to myself here because I feel the same way.)

  3. Oh! You wrote a post that I could have written. Thus, unfortunately, I don’t have any answers. I have to say, it’s a great luxury sometimes to have the weight of decision taken from you. I think you just have to try and work out what you’ll regret least in ten years time… but buggered if I know how to do that in advance.

    Maybe it would help you to try and write down any solutions/reassurances you can think of for each of your problems (for each alternative path), point-form? Eg, you’re worried about a crying baby and a toddler together – but remember that O is developing fast and will be at a completely different (and hopefully more manageable… although I can’t guarantee that one, but going by the average) stage by the time a sibling is born. I am reliably informed that a lot of things can be easier the second time around, such as you second-guess yourself less because the first one made it ok (and also you don’t have time!) and you start with so much more knowledge. Not only that, but you don’t have to entertain the baby all by yourself. Even if an older sibling doesn’t want to actively entertain, a baby can be happy just watching them go about their business and listening to the interactions of the household. Etc etc. Which is not to deny that it’s work having a newborn or juggling the needs of two children, but just to remind yourself that it’s not like starting from scratch all over again, but with O as he is now added directly on top of that. Then you come to “waiting then missing your fertile years” – a different problem from a different alternative path. Well, if you’re open to solutions like adoption, that might not be such an issue. Or if you want to get all avant-garde and create, freeze embryos now for later use, or something like that.

    Etc, repeat for other points. And then try to figure out what the best case scenario would be, looking back in ten years, and cross your fingers you’ll cope with everything along the way. That’s all I’ve got. Good luck!


  4. I don’t know if I would have ever had a second (and third) if it wasn’t for our ‘surprise’. I couldn’t imagine going through all the IVF stuff again. So – I totally understand your stress – at the same time, beingon the other side? Having 2 is awesome. Awesome and totally worth it. Don’t overthink it!

    : )

  5. I loved Heather’s Answer..I concur….if they can do it, GD so can we.

    You know I hate already having the two kids, because I know that you’ll read this and say ..”Yeah Kir, you can bitch and moan all you want, but you have your family of four” and in many many ways you are sooo right, but it doesn’t mean that sometimes I don’t dream about being PG again, having a girl…adding to our family…letting Gio and Jacob have a little brother or sister. I do…and of course being 40 doesn’t give me “ANY TIME” to make that kind of decision again..and the $$$ holy good god, we just can’t do it.

    but back to you, I believe in my heart that you are meant to have another baby, that it will happen and it will be something that you don’t have to think about at all….at least not after visiting Dr Hit. I know how hard this is for you, because we’ve all been then in one way or another.

    Someone asked me on my blog “what is my dream job” and honestly I can’t come up with one that doesn’t come with strings attached, a way of life to change and as a mom now I can’t do that. I can’t just leave, or travel all the time or spend days at a conference. So I’m still working on who I want to be too. What I want to be. I sooooo get you!!!


  6. I’m due w #2 in 3 months and still unsure how it’ll.all work out , but I know it will and we’ll figure it all out together and create a new rhythm. Living it is the only true way to figure it all out and not future worries which is so hard to do!! Hugs!

  7. A lot of what you are saying, I was thinking a few years ago. One of my few regrets in life was how I took so long to seek fertility treatments because I was just so uncertain and not willing to change my family dynamic.

    I still don’t think I could have handled a toddler and a baby–I definitely needed that space between them. But, a little less space–sometimes I get jealous of others who have closer sibs.

    Thing is–you are where you are right now. And right now, you are a wonderful mother, wife and woman. Try to embrace that a bit…let the chips fall where they may. (I know, easier said than done) 😉

  8. I’m not going to lie, and you already know from talking to me, it’s f-ing hard. BUT, it’s not forever. Newborns are hard no matter where they are in the family line up. As for O, he’ll adjust.
    There will be days (weeks?) where you wonder WTF? But it goes away. The day ends. When you see both kids sleeping it all just goes away. When you see O make #2 smile or laugh for the first time. When you see #2 crawl after O laughing. The good is really good.
    AND, O and #2 won’t have to share a room… trust me, you’re good 🙂
    You are not your mom. Think of where your mom was when she had the three of you an where you will be when you have O and #2. Far different places I’m going to guess.
    You will be ok. I know that. I’ll wait for you to see this as well 🙂

  9. You are right, it is hard, and it is harder to have patience. But you will find that patience. I do, even when I honestly don’t believe it is there. AND… it is so worth it when they play together. Kara is only barely a year old and already they chase each other around the house, laughing like idiots at nothing. And no matter what you are busy doing, and how chaotic life is at that moment, you take a minute and watch them and laugh to yourself.. because after all, this is why you did it.

  10. I’m not good with uncertainty, either. But although I think going from 1 to 2 kids would be hard, I think the staggered ages would help, and I can definitely vouch for the awesomeness of seeing your children relate to each other as siblings and play together. Especially the playing together part, because it allows you to step back. I think I would have to try to go for it. Also — O. is a toddler but he will be 3 next spring, and he has some degree of reasoning and listening skills, whereas a very young toddler has none whatsoever.

  11. I’m with Kelly… I’m due with kiddo # 2 in Nov, and I’m still not sure how it’s all going to work out. Part of it is waiting for the “other shoe” to drop and ruin all our hopes/dreams – I have a LOT of fears about losing our son OR the baby on the way. I can’t quite shake it, ever.

    The other part is just figuring out how I feel about this big shift that is coming, and how much my life is going to change. The changes will be HUGE! Oh goodness, I can’t even think about it sometimes without getting a little scared. Then, I remember that I’m on the roller coaster and I’m just going to have to ride it out to see how it ends. Right? So, I figure I might as well enjoy the ride while I can.

  12. The thing that this journey through IF has provided us with is a whole bunch of strenght. Because we’ve had to deal with a lot of suck. For what it’s worth, I’m the oldest of 5 girls (clearly our IF issues are not a genetic one with me!) and my mother always says “You never know how you can love another child just as much as the first until you are given one”. And siblings are awesome. And you’ll reach deep down and use that strength that you’ve already got because you ARE strong!

  13. Seriously. Almost anyone can handle two kids. If I can do it, so can you! 🙂

  14. You can handle it, but I feel for you having to, cuz I relate so much to what you said about seeing the work a newborn entails – and with a toddler? Good lord! Wish I could say something that would help, but I’ve got nothin…

  15. I want a crystal ball SOOOO badly.

    I have all the same worries you do about a second child. I am a total baby person and still look at newborns and just see work at this point in my life.

    I think family is like so many things in life — you have to focus on the long-term vision (i.e. two children who will have that lifelong bond) and know that you’ll be able to handle the first couple years even if they’re not the most rewarding ones. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

    It’s too bad it’s damn hard to focus on the long-term goal AND tell yourself you’ll be okay if it doesn’t work out.

    I, too, am ready to get past the uncertainty and enjoy the resulting reality.

  16. Yup I think you can handle it too. The second is almost always easier than the first. You know they can’t break when you put them down which is a relief. You know what to do with a baby already so the newness of being 4 rather than 3 is easier to manage.

  17. We share many of the same sentiments regarding #2. Having one is easy peasy in the scheme of things. We have enough alone time, couple time, and family time. Everyone is happy. And, my son doesn’t know the difference.

    That said, it’s not exactly the family I pictured and often our little unit feels incomplete. My husband has finally come around to the notion of having another (on his own) and now that we are on the same page, I’m wondering if it’s what we should do. For 3 years that’s all I’ve wanted, a sibling and another child to mother, but now that the path is clear for us to continue (we stopped ART 1 year ago and so would proceed with either domestic adoption or embryo donation), I’m considering all the ramifications.

    But, when I think of not attempting it (and not that we didn’t with 5 OE IVFS + 1 DE cycle), I just can’t wrap my mind around being done.

    I will pray that you are faced with the high class problem of having two. I KNOW you can do it 🙂

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