Decidedly Different.

July 16, 2010 at 10:06 am | Posted in doctor, Infertility, Mythical #2 | 9 Comments

Of the many times I met with our RE, the one that stands out in my mind was the last one before we decided to do surgery on Ute.

It was the one where we had yet another BFN with “gorgeous embryos.” Our fourth failed assisted cycle.

It was where I had started to lose hope that IVF would actually work.

And it was the one where, when I choked up when asking him a question, he came across his desk and sat next to me, bringing a box of tissues with him.

I never did cry in front of him, even then. I hated the idea of seeming weak.

But in all my appointments, I was TIGHTLY wound. I’d fold my arms and cross my legs, as if I were trying to protect myself from all the bad news. Or something.

And when he’d end an appointment by saying “let’s GET YOU PREGNANT!” I always wanted to shush him, in the hopes that he wouldn’t, you know, jinx anything.

And then we got pregnant. And when he congratulated me and released me to the OB, I was still too worried that something would go wrong, and I could never fully thank him for his help.

It’s so strange.

Last Friday’s meeting couldn’t have been any different. We laughed and smiled and talked.

And yesterday, when I had my saline sono?

When he came in, he told me that he couldn’t get over just how great I looked. That maybe it was the hair – he wasn’t used to it.

And he turned to the nurse, who I had never met, and asked her if she knew me from “back in the day.”

(You know, when I was a REGULAR there.)

Thing is, there are still some of the same worries hiding under the surface. A speculum still is uncomfortable, and a catheter + saline into my uterus still pretty much sucks.

And when he visualized both horns of my still decidedly bicornuate uterus, I wondered if maybe it was possible that the septum grew back. Even though he declared me “all clear” – open tubes and no scar tissue.

But then?

I left the fertility clinic and walked next door to Isis Maternity. Because I am loaning my SIL, who is going to have a baby any day, my ergo carrier, and I didn’t have the infant insert. And in a moment of blind confidence, I decided that it would be worth it to buy it myself.

Because maybe I’ll be able to use it next year.

But if I can’t, then $30 wasn’t that much to spend on what will end up as a gift for my SIL.

Such a different mindset.

I can’t help my think that the difference is that the stakes don’t seem to be as high this time around.

Before, I just wanted to be a mom, and I despaired that maybe it wouldn’t ever happen.

That was the thought that choked me up in Dr. HIT’s office so long ago.

And I AM a mom now. O completes us. He made us a family.

He gives me more joy and happiness then I ever thought possible – certainly more than I thought I deserved, especially back when we were trying.

And I think that’s the difference this time. I would love to add to our family, and truth be told, I have more and more flashes of hope and dreams of being pregnant and then holding another teeny baby. Of introducing O to his little brother or sister. And watching O and his sibling grow up together, to see them love each other the way I love my own brother and sister.

But life is so good, with the three of us, in the right here and now.

And I know that if this doesn’t work, if we don’t ever have another baby, we’re going to be fine.

Because maybe it’s not the plan I had envisioned almost 6 years ago when J and I got married… but it’s our life, and our family. And no matter what happens in the coming months, we have each other NOW.

And that is worth something.

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9 Comments »

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  1. A speculum still is uncomfortable,
    Slightly off-topic, but have you thought of asking him if you could insert it yourself? I’ve heard of some people doing that, saying it’s much better, because (of course), you are feeling it as you are inserting it, so you know exactly where it should go.

  2. Wishing you all the best on this new journey!

  3. You couldn’t have said it any better…it’s just a different experience, because you have HOPE, you hold it and kiss it and giggle into it’s tummy every day. that’s how I feel..that no matter what happens or doesn’t…I got to see hope close up and hold it, in my hands and it didn’t go away.

    wishing you tons of luck with this new cycle, as always. 🙂

  4. I had the same experience the second time around. You just don’t feel as, I suppose that “driven” may be the word, but maybe more compelled. I was a lot more relaxed, and not everything emotionally was tied to each cycle. When we met with our RE for #2, we were able to introduce him to the little boy that had his name (yes, our son has the last name of our RE). Even going into that appointment, I was already OK, at least at some level, that if it didn’t work, we would be OK.

    There is something to go home to-someone to go home to-that second time around, and that seems to make all the differenc. Good luck on this journey.

  5. I feel exactly the same way. Our son (from IVF #3, after one failed and one that resulted in m/c) will turn 2 at the end of the month. We went back to the same RE this spring and got pregnant. Unfortunately, despite everything going perfectly through the 11.5 week NT scan, we found out at 13.5 weeks that development had stopped — no chromosomal abnormalities or other obvious cause, just spectacularly bad luck. I am now doing repeat pregnancy loss testing through their office to see if we find out any issues that need to be addressed before going on to IVF #5 this fall. I am annoyed to be going back there again (especially after this last loss, since I was certain I was done w/IVF this spring and would never need to return) and yet I am noticeably less stressed out about everything since we do have a fantastic little guy already and for such a long time, I never thought that would happen. I, too, know that if we never do have child #2, we’re still going to be just fine, the three of us. In fact, we’ll be more than just fine. Wishing you good luck as you move forward with the FET.

  6. I am glad it is different this time around. And seriously, there is a maternity store next to the fertility clinic? That could really suck.

  7. That sounds exactly how I felt. I am so glad this is a little easier this time… you deserve it. I think sometimes the anticipation of things is worse than the actual event itself.

  8. Our IVF’s for our second baby felt a lot different too. Of course we wanted it to work, but we were also busy with work,life, and raising Julia. There wasn’t a lot of time to sit around and worry, kind of had to worry on the go. LOL. But seriously, this time around the whole weight of the world and the balance of our entire life wasn’t resting on an IVF success.

  9. A different frame of mind can really make you look different, can’t it? I’m so glad you’re coping better this time around.

    Bea


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