Here we go. Again. Maybe.

August 5, 2010 at 1:08 pm | Posted in doctor, Mythical #2 | 11 Comments

I met with Dr. HIT yesterday, and we went over the results of our repeat testing.

My FSH was 8.29, which is up from the 6-something it was 5 years ago when we first saw him. But it’s normal. And in my doctor’s words: We are not worried about the fact that I turn 35 in November should we ever want to do another fresh cycle.

My TSH was right smack in the normal range. I do not have HIV, or Hepatitis, and I am not a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis.

J’s SA came back at an overall count of 2 million – low per the usual. Motility was pretty good, at 50%, but morphology was still abysmal at <0%.

Our two day 5 blastocysts from the cycle we got pregnant with O are frozen in separate straws. And from what Dr. HIT tells me, blasts thaw very well.

Whenever we do a cycle, he thinks that it's possible we may only need to thaw one to get one to transfer.

I left there with questions about timing, though, since my nurse H had left for the day. I have no idea what the plan is, really – my doctor told me that we could do a cycle as soon as I got AF, which is imminent.

I don't want to do a cycle in August.

(Truthfully, I sort of never WANT to cycle again. But a FET is a relatively easy cycle, and since yes, we're still infertile, it's our best shot at getting pregnant.)

August is just a little too soon for me.

I want to focus on doing the heavy mileage and pace for my half marathon without having to worry about changing my schedule because of blood draws and ultrasounds.

I want to go away for the weekends with my husband and O, and drink wine, and play on the beach, and go to water parks, and take walks in the wagon.

Really I want to focus on the stuff we DO have before embarking on a process where the focus is on a future which is uncertain.

I hate uncertainty.

It's definitely different this time around.

For one, I am a markedly different person than I was 5 years ago when I sat in front of Dr. HIT. I worry less about the things I can't control. I try and stay in the moment, instead of always living in the future. I make peace with the things I can't change.

But also? This time, we have a definitive end. When the two frozen embryos are gone, we are done.

And that ending? Doesn't scare me.

So why did I leave Dr. HIT's office a little muted, the worry creeping up around the edges?

The emotion just before the Beginning of a Cycle is the very same as it was 4 years ago when we did our first IVF cycle.

I feel like we're poised on the precipice of a huge drop; you know, that moment just before the rollercoaster plunges down to the depths unknown.

And my fear isn't that I will ride it up and down, because I've been through enough cycles to know that it WILL be an emotional ride for me, for good or bad.

No, I worry about the effect of the uncertainty on my family. If it doesn't work, will I manage to keep O from seeing how sad his Mommy is? I THINK I can, but if it comes down to it, am I that strong? I don't know. And am I REALLY okay with being done with one child, even though I've always pictured myself as a mom of two?

But.

If it DOES work, and we bring home a baby, will all the work I've put into parenting with kindness and respect fall apart? Will I default to being like my own mother because I'm tired and stressed and nursing and feel even LESS like myself? What will happen to my running? My career? Our family dynamic?

I have no answers.

I THINK that J and I are as ready as we can be for another child. I have flashes where I think about Mythical #2 and I feel like I'm ready for that. I KNOW that I want O to have the option of having a sibling, a family connection so that he doesn't have to bear the burden of worrying or caring for us in 50 years alone.

And as my friend D always says, I wouldn’t be the first to have multiple kids and manage it. I’m hardly alone.

So it's time to take the step.

I think.

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11 Comments »

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  1. Well, the good news here is that while taking a leap of faith you will not be plunging to depths unknown. Experience will be your guide.

    I try not to put an end to anything as I think it ratchets up the stress but I have also learned that I simply can not foresee how I really will feel when faced with the end I set up. My 2nd IVF was going to be our last and thankfully we were successful. But, there I was back at it for a sibling when my son was only 5 months old. And I gave myself two tries and we’d move on. We’ll two became three became four became five. And, I said I’d never do a donor egg cycle for money reasons alone not to mention my then feeling that it was not the dynamic for us. But, after 5 failed own egg transfers I wasn’t ready to adopt or be a mother to one.

    It’s good to have a plan but you know that life happens while you’re busy with it. For now, let it be “una la volta” — on thing at a time.

    I am very encouraged that you have two blasts stored in single straws and can’t wait for you to be on your way.

  2. Good Luck!! You will do great with two kids!

  3. Its a tough call on when to start it again. I think you are right to go with your gut and hold out for after August. Uncertainty sucks, but so does feeling like you are rushing to get past that uncertainty.

    Wishing you all the best!

  4. Best of luck. I’m glad you are following your heart and waiting for the right time. And for the record, I think you would make an excellent mom to two kids.

    xo

  5. No. You will be calling me and telling me,”what were you going on about? Two kids? Sooo easy”. 😉
    Seriously though all of it will get sorted out when you are there. In that moment. That time. If you find things are stressed out, you and J will work through them together. You have a wonderful support system of friends and family to help.

  6. Probably as ready as you’ll get, by the sounds.

    FSH a little higher, but overall it sounds very positive and hopeful. Will be wishing you the best of luck!

    Bea

  7. Good luck!

    • Best of Luck!

  8. Definitely wait until you are ready. I was so stressed and time oriented when we did our FET that I wonder if my mental state impacted the success of the cycle. FET is WAY easier than IVF!!

  9. You will know when the time is right. Good Luck!

  10. surfed over from the round-up. Yeahhh Mel!

    These are major life decisions you are considering, no wonder there is uncertainty.

    I really liked what you said about, “I’ve been through enough cycles to know that it WILL be an emotional ride for me, for good or bad.” We are currently waiting on the results of a SA, and i know that the results, if there is sperm or not, will bring strong emotional reactions from me.

    Good luck on your journey!


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