August 12, 2010 at 2:19 pm | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Battles (aka: toddlerhood), Mythical #2 | 9 Comments

I confess that I came home from Maine fairly upset about how the weekend went.

Not from the pressure I felt from J’s family. See, that I can handle. Mostly by ignoring them and remember that I know my kid WAY better than they do.

What bothered me most, though, was that J seemed to BUY INTO IT. The whole idea that we were spoiling O by giving into his tantrums, letting him do what he wanted when he wanted, etc.

I felt strongly enough about it that I decided to broach the subject with him last night. Despite the fact that I KNEW it was likely to spiral into either: a) an argument where he justified that O was being an asshole and we need to teach him the consequences of being an asshole, or b) a discussion where he’d be all pissed off at himself for being an asshole dad.

What happened was neither of these, thankfully.

What I did find out was that since J was really tired, he probably was a little harsher with O because he was low on sleep and patience.

Now that I can understand.

And he didn’t understand WHY I’d think that he bought into the idea that we okayI was too permissive with O.

He told me it couldn’t be further from the truth, that he really respected the way I approached parenting – thoughtfully, without creating rules which were arbitrary and therefore largely useless.

Okay, so there probably was some overreaction on MY part to the whole parenting-in-public-judging thing.

Maybe just a little.

Either way, all’s well that ends well. We are still on the same page in all the ways that count, which is all that matters.


I did end up speaking with Nurse H from our RE’s office before we went to Maine.

Basically the timing is up to us; we can do a cycle as early or as late as we want.

So we decided to wait another cycle out. I’m to call when I get my next AF, which, if AF stays consistent, thought be September 7 or 8. Nurse H told me that generally a FET transfer happens on day 19 of a cycle.

In this case, it looks like a transfer would likely be in the early part of the last week of September.

Which happens to be the very week of my next half marathon.

Which, you know, isn’t ideal. I mean, it’s not a DEALBREAKER, since most of my heavy miles will have been done already. And if I am lucky enough to get pregnant, I would like to continue my running – albeit slower, where I’m less concerned about pace.

But a transfer a week later would have been much better – without the stress on my body of running a 13.1 mile race.

Luckily, the beauty of a FET is that we apparently have some room for manipulation. And we CAN extend the cycle so that we can do a transfer a little later if we have to.

So she wrote in my cycle calendar that we’d prefer to have the transfer AFTER October 3.

I’m feeling remarkably Zen about the whole cycling thing, given how stressed I was about actually making the damn appointment to see Dr. HIT again. Can’t quite understand why.

(Denial, probably.)


At least the running has been going really REALLY well.

Last Saturday I did a 9 mile run. Because we were in Maine, it was an out and back route which went over some SERIOUS hills. I told myself I wasn’t going to focus on pace, not even once – that the goal was to run comfortably for the whole time while keeping my heart rate in a comfortable zone.

I did 9 miles in an hour and 28 minutes, which works out to be just under ten minute miles. Though the myriad hills weren’t COMFORTABLE, per se, it wasn’t awful either.

And this morning, during my hill training, I did 4 miles in a little over 34 minutes – my personal best.

In fact, my last mile was at 7:52, which is the fastest I’ve EVER run a mile. Like EVER.

I keep being amazed by the things my body can DO.

And there is a moment during almost every run… when I’m going along, sort of just zoning out. And then I look up at the sky or hear some song or catch the scent of the sea.

And in that moment, my heart swells with love and happiness and gratitude.

There is so much in my life for which I’m thankful. My health. My husband. My house. My son. My family. My job. My legs, lungs, heart, soul. All of it.

THAT is why I run – for that moment of Zen, the space where all I can feel is gratitude for the things I have.

Maybe that’s the reason why, as we approach another cycle, I feel okay with whatever happens.

I still wonder how long it’ll last, though.



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  1. I am so glad that you and J are on the same page, it’s the biggest part of parenting, being able to know that your partner has your back for all of it. 🙂

    wow, that transfer will be here before you know it, I know good things are coming. I can feel it.

    and you’re just completely awesome with the running….GO YOU!!!!! it’s amazing how ZEN you sound. 🙂

  2. Glad the talk went well and no one is an asshole!!

  3. Its funny how one can think they know what the other is going to say–and then be pleasantly surprised. Glad that you both are on the same page on the parenting thing.

    Every time I read about you running, it makes me wish I was into running–that ZEN thing is something that is often elusive to me–but when you find it–it makes everything worth while.

    Happy Running!

  4. Awesome post all around.
    Holy cow! October is going to be here, like, soon!! I’m very excited for you guys.

    Nice work with the running!!! I get the zen bit. It’s amazing when I’m in the middle of a run and just ‘be’. Then when I come back to a more aware state it’s like,”Wow! Where did the last 5 minutes go?!”. I get that when I swim too. A little differently but I look at my laps and I’m amazed.
    Here’s to kick ass exercise!

  5. Yeah, I was thinking about your previous post re: J & O, and figured it was something like this. My husband and I both do this with our respective families — react to what we see/feel to be pressure to conform to the family norm. [I don’t know if my husband realizes he’s doing it or that I’m doing it, but I see it in both of us.] It seems to be a competition thing — my kid can be as good as your kid. Plus, it’s not fun having a cranky kid, and seeing somebody else’s kid be so good (even if it’s only for a little while) or hearing that the kid was “always good when he was that age” (can you say “selective amnesia”??), can be disheartening, and make you wonder if maybe you should buckle down. But, even if that is the case, making major changes in the middle of vacation is not the best time for it!

    So, short story long, I’m glad everything worked out okay; and maybe recognizing this tendency can help you brace for things in the future. Besides, kids are all different, with different temperaments and personalities; so even if their kids were “just perfect”, it doesn’t mean that all kids will be!

  6. I just read your last post but not the comments. I think that dads feel a lot of public pressure, too. (Has J. complained to you that “everyone else’s kids” sleep perfectly? Or everyone else seems to be able to take their kids out to eat? Because he’s ONLY talking to other dads, not moms? And then you feel totally judged?) D. can get pretty grumpy when he feels that silent disapproval, too. And I know I do! But when we talk to each other afterward, we’re usually on the same page. The tension is just in that public space.

    Early on, my friend Katie, who has 3 small kids, told me, “There’s your time, and there’s grandparent time, and they never match up.” It’s pretty well established that our parents’ generation didn’t give a sh*t about sleep quality or quantity. There’s a reason so many sleep training books were first published in the mid-80s! My mom, like D.’s, believed in keeping up toddlers REALLY late at night so that they would sleep until 9 or 10 am. My parents and D.’s parents constantly push me on this issue. “Why don’t you just keep them up a little longer? They don’t look tired; why are you putting them to bed so early? They napped for 1 hour; that’s a good nap.”

    Anyway, I’m glad that J. is with you after all. But it’s too bad this ruined your weekend.

    And wow, ET will be here very soon!

  7. I’m so glad your talk went well with J. I always get worked up to have those talks too (even though ours aren’t about kids).

    Running is amazing. I was so lazy and didn’t get a run in on holidays (bad!) but am catching up now. Only 7 weeks to go.

  8. You are kicking ASS with your running, and I personally think the running does us all a world of good. Like you said, the way it helps with the approacing FET – I feel the same with everything. I’m not totally calm or happy or all good all the time, but it really gives me some downtime to zone out and get me back.

  9. Well, the most important thing is that you are on the same page. (Although, to be honest, I’m not sure how putting an overtired child to bed can be called “giving in”? Isn’t that what you call “addressing the root cause of the problem”?)

    Good news about the cycle – that the clinic can work with you to give the best of all worlds.

    And glad you’re still enjoying your runs.


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