September 20, 2010 at 7:21 pm | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), FET #4 | 9 Comments

Sorry, I didn’t mean to get sidetracked with the band stuff. I am just trying to make sense of the feeling that I’ve lost my anchor, that’s all.

Life marches on.

(Ha! No pun intended)

Vacation was really nice; it ended up being a good relaxing time. O was really well behaved, and my in laws finally seemed to be involved with him but not disciplinarian, if that makes sense. I had three great training runs. We ate good food and drank wine. I slept marginally well, but felt okay with going to bed early every night. I read three different books, all of which were satisfying. We played cards and chatted and I shopped and disconnected from real world stuff as much as I could. It was really nice.

And neither of us wanted to come home on Saturday.

But here we are.

I’m still gobsmacked by the fact that I ran the pace I did at Sunday’s race. I can’t believe it, I can’t believe I ran that hard and feel physically as good as I do today. I’m feeling really ready for my half, but looking forward to my training runs before the half as well.

It’s just a good feeling; I’ve worked so hard in the past few months and it seems like I’m seeing results. And instead of feeling TIRED like I did last time before my half, I feel READY. It’s a very different feeling and I’m happy to be in this place.

The cycle stuff is moving along too. Lining was fine and progesterone was nice and low at Sunday’s scan and b/w, so we’ve been cleared to move towards transfer. Apparently Wednesday I’ll get a call with transfer time.

Looks like Friday’s the day.

I’m not sure how I’m feeling about it all, though. Guarded, I suppose. Like I don’t want to get excited until I have data that one embryo actually survived to make it to transfer. Because of course it can’t be that easy and I’m sure there’ll be some hiccup or something.

Like being lucky once was more than enough, and it’s okay if we don’t get lucky again. But feeling like I’ll have some measure of sadness if we’re done, because I’ve sort of been hoping that we’d get pregnant again.

But then I feel like a heel for even thinking it, because there are people in my life that have been trying for far longer and with no baby to show for it.

So honestly, I’m really trying not to feel much at all. It’s easier to be emotionally removed from the whole thing, I think.

Anyway, so that’s the update. Not all that earth shattering or riveting, is it?



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  1. Never underestimate the power of a great vacation. I’m so glad you had such a nice relaxing time.
    As for cycle stuff… Somehow, I found it easier to be less emotionally involved until the 2ww. Once I was in the 2ww I was right back to the hope and praying that it worked.

  2. Gosh, I can’t believe that your transfer is this week. Is it just me or does that seem quick? πŸ™‚

    I have to say, as I was cycling for a sibling, I did a much better job at remaining neutral. Of course I was hopeful and I wanted it to work, but during the actual cycle, I did a better job of managing my emotions. The 2ww was always brutal for me, but maybe you’ll be able to do a better job of surrendering to “whatever will be, will be”.

  3. I dunno – transfer on Friday could be pretty riveting and/or earth shattering. πŸ™‚

    I’m so sorry about your band director.

  4. Glad you had a nice vacation!
    Your post about your band director reminded me of a teacher’s death while I was in junior high. Our social studies teacher had a heart attack and died during the week. He was there on Monday and not there on Tuesday. It was so sad and confusing.
    I, for one, am very much looking forward to Friday. : )

  5. I am so sorry about your band director. It’s always tough when we lose someone who has been so instrumental (no pun intended) in shaping our lives. And wow, time is flying. Your transfer is this week? That’s crazy. I have my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly on Friday.


  6. Congratulations on a impressive run. You rock!!!! Sorry about the loss of you mentor:(. Transfering this Friday???? OMG!!!!!!! sending you my good wishes. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!

  7. See, I do get around to reading blogs eventually…

    So sorry to hear about your band leader. Sounds like a great loss to the world. But I’m also glad he did live his life such that it would be a great loss to the world, and especially those who knew him.

    As for emotionally removed – sounds like the most rational approach, and I wish you good luck in achieving it! (As well as everything else.)


  8. You contuinue to impress me with your running. Totally awesome!
    I’m headed back to the clinic tomorrow to start on cycle #2 for this go-around. I find the emotions this go to be much more confusing- a bit of this with a bit of that, and some of another sprinkled on top. (The first go the feelings were really pretty focused on desperately wanting a baby.) In any event- time is certainly moving fast, and I wish you all the best on Friday. I hope your day is filled with emotions that you feel good about feeling.

  9. I just wanted to wish you all the best tomorrow! You’ll be in my thoughts. Here’s hoping for us to have another round of same-age kids πŸ™‚

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