What cycle?

September 30, 2010 at 12:59 pm | Posted in FET #4 | 14 Comments

I’ve essentially managed this whole cycle like pretending that it’s not happening.

Because my sister is still trying to get pregnant, more than three and a half years after I was first concerned she’d lap me.

Because one of my best friends is on cycle 20 for her second, and it’s not fucking fair she isn’t giving me advice about having two kids.

Because I feel like we got really, really lucky with bringing home O in the first place and I wonder if I’m being greedy by trying for another.

Because I’m a little scared about the possibility of this cycle working and having to fit an additional person’s needs into my already crammed List of Responsibilities.

Because this cycle means that we’re getting close to the end, and I don’t want to get excited about the idea of being DONE with family building, and doctors, and hormones, and trying to plan ahead.

Because, maybe just a little bit, I’m a little afraid of giving up the body I’ve worked so hard on to a pregnancy.

Because I’ve always hated the 2ww and how obsessive I used to get.

This time?

I don’t have any symptoms that can’t be explained by the presence of progesterone in my system.

Yet today I am feeling like it worked.

But that always happens.

Until the day of my beta, I feel like it’s worked. Then I wake up and all of it is gone. And I get the negative beta, and we plan for the next.

It’s impossible to tell if it worked or not right now.

It MIGHT have worked.

It might NOT have worked.

And so I have no real idea, or expectation, or even a GUESS as to the outcome of this cycle.

Wait. What cycle?

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14 Comments »

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  1. Monday is not far off. It will be here before you know it, especially with your half on Sunday.

    FWIW, I really hope it did work 🙂

  2. Not long now! 🙂

  3. Monday??? You find out on Monday?? Am I living under a rock???
    Holy ….Holy….you know.

    Pretending it doesn’t exist is the best way to get to Monday…and FWIW I know it worked!!!!!!!

  4. I hope it worked. Just a few more days until we know for sure!

  5. AAAUUUGGGHHHH! I hate the tww!

    Can’t wait for you to get your results. I’ll hold hope in my heart for you.

    xxx
    T.

  6. The worst part. Fingers crossed, as always. Not much to add, just hanging in there with you.

    Bea

  7. Yes, all of those things…

    I hope that it works and you can plan the future and not have to do any more cycles.

  8. I hope Monday comes with speed and brings you news of a positive outcome.

  9. Eeeeeccccckkkkk.

  10. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Monday is not far away at all.

    And about the body – you know you can keep running most of the way through this pregnancy, and eat healthy, and all that (not that I should talk, since my son is 2 tomorrow and I still haven’t lost the pregnancy weight, but I do know people who were very careful, and they got back to normal quickly). Anyway, good luck with it all!!

  11. Fingers crossed

  12. You’re getting so close! I’m hoping for amazing things for both Sunday AND Monday!

  13. I will ditto what deborah said…you don’t have to lose your body b/c you are pregnant. I ran when I was pregnant with my son…taking it easy the first trimester (less than 20 MPW) and then picking it up. I didn’t watch what I ate, just ate my regular diet, which is 60-70% healthy, 30-40% not, and didn’t gain too much wait. Just sayin’. And, it’s good to put this stuff in perspective. I wish I could. I’m so desparate for a positive result that I can’t imagine being detached. I hope this works for you!!! So…are you going to POAS???

  14. WEIGHT not WAIT. Grr. I guess waiting is on my mind…


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