Last Chance Waltz.October 5, 2010 at 2:55 pm | Posted in FET #5: Last Chance Waltz | 21 Comments
I really, honestly, truly thought that last cycle was going to work.
Because yes, we were lucky to get pregnant with O, but it was the first transfer after my surgery.
Of COURSE the SECOND transfer after my surgery would work, wouldn’t it?
And so it was with relative ease that I could say that we’d be okay if it was just the three of us forever more.
That is, until I got the BFN.
And so for the past few days, I’ve been angry with myself. Because I just figured that, well, maybe we had gotten our negatives out of the way. But I was arrogant in hoping that it would be easy this time.
Okay, so it doesn’t work that way.
And it IS different this time around. I have my O. I love him more than I could ever express, and having him in our lives sort of mutes the hurt of the BFN.
But it’s so bittersweet.
Because when I put away his pacifiers, the bottles, the infant seat, the teeny tiny clothes, I put them away temporarily. I had no issue with O growing up because I just assumed that we’d have another shot at babyhood with his sibling.
But this negative CHANGES things. Because we have one try left.
Before we have to CHOOSE whether or not to do another fresh cycle.
And I will tell you now.
I really, really, REALLY do NOT want to do a fresh cycle. Ever again.
Right now? I hate the idea of a fresh cycle enough that we are serious in thinking that we’re done after this FET.
Because, yes, I’d grieve over losing the dream of having two children. But the pain of that grief is not strong enough to overcome the visceral distaste of the idea of doing another fresh cycle. The decision over embryos, quality. The shots, the monitoring. The retrieval. The hormones, the discomfort, the change in my diet, exercise schedule to accomodate overstimulated ovaries. The having to plan for someone to help either get O to school the morning of retrieval or taking me themselves.
I just can’t do it.
Whenever I think about the next cycle failing…?
I wonder if I’m strong enough to walk away and be OKAY with being done.
But that’s still in the future. One cycle at a time, right?
I met with Dr. HIT this morning. And as always, he cheerfully told me that everything went really well during the cycle, even though it didn’t result in a pregnancy.
Which is comforting to hear.
And he gave us the all clear to start another cycle as soon as I get AF.
Which we will do.
I’m calling this one our Last Chance Waltz.
And for certain, I am no longer convinced it’s going to work.