Last Chance Waltz.

October 5, 2010 at 2:55 pm | Posted in FET #5: Last Chance Waltz | 21 Comments

I really, honestly, truly thought that last cycle was going to work.

Because yes, we were lucky to get pregnant with O, but it was the first transfer after my surgery.

Of COURSE the SECOND transfer after my surgery would work, wouldn’t it?

And so it was with relative ease that I could say that we’d be okay if it was just the three of us forever more.

That is, until I got the BFN.

And so for the past few days, I’ve been angry with myself. Because I just figured that, well, maybe we had gotten our negatives out of the way. But I was arrogant in hoping that it would be easy this time.

Okay, so it doesn’t work that way.

And it IS different this time around. I have my O. I love him more than I could ever express, and having him in our lives sort of mutes the hurt of the BFN.

But it’s so bittersweet.

Because when I put away his pacifiers, the bottles, the infant seat, the teeny tiny clothes, I put them away temporarily. I had no issue with O growing up because I just assumed that we’d have another shot at babyhood with his sibling.

But this negative CHANGES things. Because we have one try left.

Before we have to CHOOSE whether or not to do another fresh cycle.

And I will tell you now.

I really, really, REALLY do NOT want to do a fresh cycle. Ever again.

Right now? I hate the idea of a fresh cycle enough that we are serious in thinking that we’re done after this FET.

Because, yes, I’d grieve over losing the dream of having two children. But the pain of that grief is not strong enough to overcome the visceral distaste of the idea of doing another fresh cycle. The decision over embryos, quality. The shots, the monitoring. The retrieval. The hormones, the discomfort, the change in my diet, exercise schedule to accomodate overstimulated ovaries. The having to plan for someone to help either get O to school the morning of retrieval or taking me themselves.

I just can’t do it.

But.

Whenever I think about the next cycle failing…?

I wonder if I’m strong enough to walk away and be OKAY with being done.

Ah, ambivalence.

But that’s still in the future. One cycle at a time, right?

I met with Dr. HIT this morning. And as always, he cheerfully told me that everything went really well during the cycle, even though it didn’t result in a pregnancy.

Which is comforting to hear.

And he gave us the all clear to start another cycle as soon as I get AF.

Which we will do.

I’m calling this one our Last Chance Waltz.

And for certain, I am no longer convinced it’s going to work.

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21 Comments »

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  1. I’m sorry it didn’t work!

  2. You know…I kept looking for patterns in my first time TTC and this 2nd time in hopes that there would be some sort of rhythmic cycle that my body had to go through to have a child. I got pregnant my 10th month of trying after 1 failed IUI. I thought that since we had figured everything out the first go round that it would be easy the second time. It seems that there is no logic or pattern to infertility. What may work once or for others promises no guarantee this time. For me, the pain of no second child is still greater than the pain of this infertility rollercoaster, but that, too, may change. I hope this next round works for you. Keep running.

  3. I am so sorry that your cycle did not work out.

    I think that some people have just as strong of a desire for more children as they do for one. I would have gone to the ends of the earth to have a baby (and sometimes feel like I did) but once we had one, I was only willing to go so far. We set a limit of 2 fresh cycles and any FETs that would result for those cycles. If we had reached that point, I know that I would have slammed the door and been done. For everyone, that point is different. Obviously, we didn’t reach that point… But I will admit that I sometimes think about the “what ifs”. What if Bo was an only child? Our lives would be so different — in some ways it is negative, but I can see many positives to raising an only child as well.

    Set your limit. Decide what you’re willing to put out there. Have faith that it will work out for the best.

    *hugs*

  4. I hear ya on every point. We did 3 FETs for a sibling and they all failed. I thought we were done because I did not want to find a new donor for another fresh donor egg cycle. Plus, I just wanted to put the treatments behind me. But, when we found out our donor was available to donate again, I just knew I would regret it if we didn’t try. So, now we are trying to figure out the logistics of an out of town fresh donor cycle (as we moved out of state) with a toddler in a new town where we don’t have any idea about child care options and when I’m sure this fresh cycle will fail, too. Yet, I feel I have to go through with it because I don’t want to have regrets later.

  5. Makng the decision about when to stop is never easy. When you do make the decision? You will just know it’s the right one.

    Like you said though, one cycle at a time. That’s about as far as you can look right now.

    Glad the dr consult went well even if it did mean crazy traffic.

  6. I’ve always been convinced your second FET would be the one that works. Because, you know, if this were a novel or a movie, that would be a good story line. Alas, life doesn’t really work that way. Here’s hoping it does, though. And if it doesn’t, I know it is going to mean some difficult decisions for you, and I wish you luck and send you good thoughts.

  7. It’s so hard – actually, it’s impossible – to anticipate how you’ll feel when the results are finally in. That’s why “one cycle at a time” is, indeed, your best policy. Pretty impossible to stop wondering about the steps down the road too, though, but I won’t hold you to any decisions until the time to make them has come.

    Bea

  8. I’m so sorry, Serenity.
    Really truly.
    I empathize completely with all you ae feeling. When our first cycle for #2 failed I was *shocked*. But really, I shouldn’t have been.
    I am hoping for a beautiful waltz for you and J.
    And like Bea says- you can’t ever tell what decisions we will make in the future.
    Thinking of you…

  9. I thought I’d be okay to walk away after 6 IUIs this time. 6 cycles is a lot, at least in my mind. But obviously I’m no longer certain, given we are considering IVF for that last cycle. All the associated decisions scare me, though. And I don’t even know how to factor in the physical ramifications, because I’ve never been through it.

    I *so* understand where you’re at. I’m trying to just put one foot in front of the other, but my mind keeps wandering to ‘what if this one doesn’t work?’

  10. I think you have to take care of yourself, too. Whatever happens, know that we’re here to support you.

  11. I never know whether I should comment or not, because my world is rather removed from yours. But I want to say that I am thinking of you and praying that the next cycle will work.

    • Annalien – thanks for the comment – I appreciate knowing that you’re reading.

  12. but see….I am… I still am. The cock-eyed-optimist is sitting over here and so glad that you can try again so soon.

    GOOD LUCK my sweet friend….holding hope for you one more time.
    xo

  13. Oh Serenity, I hope this cycle works and you don’t have to face that decision. If life were fair, it should work. I always think that our odds should get better every time a cycle fails- it seems so unfair to have to face the same depressing percentages each time.

    I hear you about the fresh cycle. I really, really do. I was in the same place after our last FET failed back in December. When we did decide to go ahead, I cried when I gave myself the first injection of Lupron, because I KNEW this time what was coming. And yes, at times during that cycle, it was awful. I resented not being able to run. I had a rough retrieval and recovery and came close to overstimming. But once it was over, even during the tww, before I knew that it had worked, I found myself realizing that it was survivable. That it hadn’t turned into the all-consuming monster I’d made it out to be.

    It will be a tough decision, no matter what. Take it one step at a time, and my only assvice would be don’t make a snap decision right after this FET if it doesn’t work. I needed time to be able to assess another IVF cycle rationally.

    HUGS. I will have everything crossed (again) that this cycle works out.

  14. I can definitely see how hard it would be to go through another fresh cycle. The logistics of appointments — the hormonal swings — the whole enchilada — plus, during the cycle that resulted in the girls, I had time to do acupuncture, guided imagery, journaling, etc., and I felt that I was taking the best care of myself. Self-care is in very short supply lately.

    But then there’s the other side of the coin, and it too is somewhat daunting.

    Thinking of you as you stand in this tough place.

  15. I have danced this dance and I am so sorry you have to go through it. There is always hope though. And I hope that this last chance truly works for you.

  16. Ugh. I’m with you that the idea of a fresh cycle is just so nasty, I get where you’re coming from with the FET. It sucks that it didn’t work, and it sucks that you have to have a “last chance waltz”. F*.

  17. I never know whether I should comment or not. I’ve escaped the nightmare that is IF. But I can’t just read in silence. I want you to know that I am sad with you. It sucks. Sucks that it didn’t work. Sucks that you have to talk about your life in these terms. It just sucks. It.isn’t.fair.

    I also want to let you know that I am so proud of you for taking on running in such a big way. You’re such an inspiration.

  18. Don’t close any doors too quickly. Life changes so fast. What you think today, may change in a week or month. We tried, then gave up, then tried more times than I want to admit.

    But, in the end, only you can decide when the time has come to stop. Don’t let docs or family sway you away from what your heart says….whatever it may be.

  19. I’m sorry it didn’t work. Apart from that I echo what Bea said. I know for me my goalposts as to when I was done moved as I went through the process.

  20. I am so sorry that it didn’t work. Our situations are so completely different this time, but I have some of the same feelings as I come to terms with the idea that M may never have any siblings. It really is far down on my concerns right now, but I put his baby stuff away temporarily as well and wonder if it will ever come out again. I am so sorry it didn’t work and will virtually hold your hand through whatever decision you make.


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