Lost for Words.October 19, 2010 at 2:04 pm | Posted in Career angst, FET #5: Last Chance Waltz, My life, Mythical #2 | 5 Comments
I have so much that’s swirling around my brain and heart lately that I’m finding a hard time putting pen to paper, so to speak.
My college homecoming was this past weekend, and they had a memorial service for my late band director – the one who taught me to believe in magic.
It was intense.
George’s wife shared with us his passion, his drive, and the fact that he was a closet Trekkie (who knew? I certainly didn’t!).
And she closed out her speech by saying: Love your family. Be loyal to your friends. Fight for what is right. Find your passion. Pay it forward. This will be a life well lived.
For the rest of the weekend, I couldn’t stop thinking.
Find my passion.
I am so far removed from feeling PASSIONATE about something I do that I have no idea where to start.
But. I’m terrified of going off in search of my passion and finding that what I thought was my passion really isn’t.
So that is one thing where I’ve been going around and around and around and around. I have no answers. Just more questions.
I’m also cycling again, for those of you following at home.
My mid-cycle u/s and b/w is tomorrow, and if all looks the same as last time around we’ll start progesterone tomorrow when I get the call. Which means that transfer would be Tuesday if the remaining blast survives the thaw.
I’m actually doing better this cycle than I was last cycle. Instead of pretending I’m not cycling, this time I actually HAVE forgotten about it. Usually I wonder at night: did I take my estrace?
(Lucky for me I have one of those old-lady one a day pill containers, so I can tell if I’ve taken it or not.)
But for the most part, I don’t really even think about it. And I don’t have nearly as much issue with the hormones this time either – probably I’ve gotten used to it.
Since it’s the last try, I am FULLY preparing for the likelihood that I won’t be pregnant ever again. But doing what I do best – planning other things where I actually have some measure of control.
I’ve got a draft of a half-marathon training program put together in order to aim at a sub 2-hour half, probably next May or so.
I’ve updated my resume and will likely look for another job in the hopes that maybe if I work for a place where the environment is different, I might not hate going to work as much.
Not hating my job does not equal finding my passion, though.
And that’s what I keep coming back to.
Feeling like I’m marking time while I figure out what I want from my life.
Anyway. That’s why I’ve been sort of quiet lately. I’m hoping that eventually I’ll be able to untangle myself and write a post of substance.