Lost for Words.

October 19, 2010 at 2:04 pm | Posted in Career angst, FET #5: Last Chance Waltz, My life, Mythical #2 | 5 Comments

I have so much that’s swirling around my brain and heart lately that I’m finding a hard time putting pen to paper, so to speak.

My college homecoming was this past weekend, and they had a memorial service for my late band directorthe one who taught me to believe in magic.

It was intense.

George’s wife shared with us his passion, his drive, and the fact that he was a closet Trekkie (who knew? I certainly didn’t!).

And she closed out her speech by saying: Love your family. Be loyal to your friends. Fight for what is right. Find your passion. Pay it forward. This will be a life well lived.

For the rest of the weekend, I couldn’t stop thinking.

Find my passion.

I am so far removed from feeling PASSIONATE about something I do that I have no idea where to start.

But. I’m terrified of going off in search of my passion and finding that what I thought was my passion really isn’t.

So that is one thing where I’ve been going around and around and around and around. I have no answers. Just more questions.

I’m also cycling again, for those of you following at home.

My mid-cycle u/s and b/w is tomorrow, and if all looks the same as last time around we’ll start progesterone tomorrow when I get the call. Which means that transfer would be Tuesday if the remaining blast survives the thaw.

I’m actually doing better this cycle than I was last cycle. Instead of pretending I’m not cycling, this time I actually HAVE forgotten about it. Usually I wonder at night: did I take my estrace?

(Lucky for me I have one of those old-lady one a day pill containers, so I can tell if I’ve taken it or not.)

But for the most part, I don’t really even think about it. And I don’t have nearly as much issue with the hormones this time either – probably I’ve gotten used to it.

Since it’s the last try, I am FULLY preparing for the likelihood that I won’t be pregnant ever again. But doing what I do best – planning other things where I actually have some measure of control.

I’ve got a draft of a half-marathon training program put together in order to aim at a sub 2-hour half, probably next May or so.

I’ve updated my resume and will likely look for another job in the hopes that maybe if I work for a place where the environment is different, I might not hate going to work as much.

Not hating my job does not equal finding my passion, though.

And that’s what I keep coming back to.

Feeling like I’m marking time while I figure out what I want from my life.

Anyway. That’s why I’ve been sort of quiet lately. I’m hoping that eventually I’ll be able to untangle myself and write a post of substance.

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5 Comments »

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  1. I can identify with the part about “finding your passion” … or being afraid of *not* finding your passion. This pregnancy is changing things for me again, in a way that makes me anxious … because I know how easily those changes could evaporate, even now, having gotten this far. But if I do have a live baby in February, and suddenly we’re worrying about day care and my commute and all of that again, the yearning for something else will grow louder, I know.

    I hope that you’re able to find something else … even if it’s an interim step to your passion.

  2. I am at the same place concerning my “passion”…marking time at a job I could care a less about…wondering where I could find that passion. Sometimes I wonder if I am looking at the wrong place (i.e. job/career based “passion” vs. life style passion).

    I am glad you were able to be a part of that tribute for such a wonderful man.

  3. I always like hearing from you, even when you think it is a post of no substance. 🙂

    I am at the same place with this idea of “passion”. I am in the third year of a PhD, staring down the dissertation, and watching my husband (who is about to go up for tenure) working insane hours for yet another semester. And now that I’m pregnant, I think I’m crazy for thinking that two of us should have this type of job. My main focus right now is finishing the PhD in good time, even with bub, and then we’ll see.

    I have one of those pill containers too! Q. bought it for me ages ago- he bought one with a.m. and p.m. slots, and I remember saying to him I thought that was overkill. Ha. Ha. Ha. When I’m on 15 pills a day, I appreciate having two spots for each day!

    I hold hope for you for this cycle, just like you did so many times for me.

    xxx.
    T.

  4. I feel the same way, I’m looking at 41 and knowing that I had the babies I wanted, now I want something more and for the life of me sweetie, I have NO IDEA what it is…do I want to go to Law School? Should I just become a paralegal? Am I looking at things all wrong and I should just be happy with where I am and do more volunteering or just something. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up…

    so I feel your quiet, trying to figure it out and wait to see how this cycle turns out, if it helps, my OPTIMISM is HIGH for this cycle. I’m thinking of you and here if you need me, you know.

    XO

  5. Definitely, finding your passion is a hard thing. And I think it’s made more difficult because for a lot of people it can be different things at different points, but there’s this myth that it should be a single and enduring thing – or at least that’s my take. It leaves those who move on to other projects feeling like they failed to find their passion in the first place, instead of feeling like they found it, ran with it, and moved on to a new passion. If you see what I mean.

    Anyway, I hope you get untangled.

    Bea


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