Last Chance.October 25, 2010 at 12:51 pm | Posted in FET #5: Last Chance Waltz | 15 Comments
I truly was surprised when I got a call from my clinic on Saturday afternoon.
Did I forget to pay a bill? I wondered.
No, it was to give me my transfer time.
Which was this morning.
Our remaining blast thawed nearly perfectly, the attending doctor told us, with no discernable cell loss.
She confirmed that we have no remaining embryos in storage.
Transfer went as smoothly as it can with an overfull bladder.
Beta is next Wednesday.
Last night, maybe because J and I were away this weekend, O was pretty clingy. He called out for a blanket at 4am, and cried every time I tried to leave his room.
So I gave up, covered my bare legs with a blanket, and sat on the floor next to bed. And I gazed at his sleeping face, wiped peaceful in the knowledge that his mommy was there, watching over him.
In that moment my heart was so full of love and wistfulness and wishing and hope and fear.
I have so little understanding of the way the universe works.
And I can’t even dare to hope that this last chance WILL work.
But I do know I have no control over any of it.
Yes, maybe it’ll take some time for J and I to reconcile the life we dreamed of with the life we get to live.
But we’ll be okay no matter what.
I need to keep reminding myself of this.