Limbo.

October 28, 2010 at 9:56 am | Posted in Battles (aka: toddlerhood), FET #5: Last Chance Waltz, Mythical #2, School (aka: daycare) | 12 Comments

Ever since O’s peers moved upstairs to the preschool room in early September, morning dropoffs at daycare have gotten rough for us.

We had one week which was great.

Since then? It’s been a battle.

First there was the “I want to stay home with you!” guilt. The delaying tactics, asking for more food, for juice, for a hug from mommy.

Then there was the “No, Mommy, go THIS WAY!” desperation; pointing the exact opposite way from the way we go to school.

Then there was the refusing to get dressed – “No, Mommy, I stay in my jamas.”

Then there was the refusing to go INTO the playground to meet up with the toddler room; he instead wanted to stand outside the fence and say hello to his teachers.

And now? We go upstairs to the preschool room to say hello to his friends R and J.

(Actually, that’s how I manage to get him into the car every morning.)

The poor kid is SO unsure when we get upstairs – he refuses to actually go INTO the preschool room. But he stands in front of the door and waves madly at his friends, and runs in circles when one R and/or J comes out to say hello.

And when it comes time to say goodbye and head back down to the toddler room, O pulls his usual stalling tactic.

I think he’d spend his entire day in the back stairwell if he could.

Done with the toddler room, but not sure about the preschool room, the poor kid.

The good news is that they’re planning on starting a nice slow transition upstairs for him, starting next week. I don’t have the full details, but I am very happy that they’re starting the process.

And hopefully he’ll be out of limbo soon.

__________________________

My biggest emotion right now is frustration.

I’ve lost some measure of fitness with running since my half marathon. Which makes sense, because right now I’m not running nearly as many miles as I had been a month ago. The past few weeks I’ve been adjusting to it being dark at 5am, so it’s been really hard for me to find the motivation to get out of bed.

But I’m back at it now. And it’s really hard to see my heart rate so high at the pace that was easier for me even a couple of weeks ago.

And I’m frustrated at having to scale back that pace “just in case.” I know it’s not good for me to have my heart rate that high if I were, you know, pregnant, so I try and keep that in mind.

But I might NOT be pregnant, too.

So I’ve spent my two runs this past week battling myself the whole way.

Then there’s work. There are days where I absolutely abhor being at work. There are days where it’s tolerable. I’ve had a day or two in the past few weeks where I felt like I actually enjoyed it.

Mostly, though, I dread it.

I have all these PLANS for when this cycle doesn’t work.

Including running hard – starting up another training program so that I can again get to the fitness level I had before – and push past it.

I am also considering looking for something new, job-wise. Maybe a change in environment will make it that I don’t hate what I do. Maybe I’ll even start to like it again.

I hate this part of the 2ww; the waiting to see if the arc of my life is going to change in the near future. I just want to KNOW, to start moving again.

The good news is that in less than a week I’ll be out of limbo.

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12 Comments »

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  1. Poor O. It’s all hard….thankfully Cam has friends both above and below his age in school, so when he moves to preschool it *should* be ok. Here’s hoping.

    I know exactly what you are feeling right now. I was SO happy to get my body back after Cam was born. 3 years devoted to baby making – I turned from a woman who completed ironman triathlons to (what I felt like) a big blob. Hoping this cycle works – and if it does, you’ll get to workout throughout it! You’ve got a great level of fitness.

  2. I hit submit too fast…

    And if it doesn’t – you’ve protected yourself with plans. Plans are always good.

  3. O’s daycare situation scares me. I don’t know what I would do if my little guy didn’t want to go to daycare. Now, he skips off to the door when I ask him if he wants to go to “Didi’s House” (his daycare). But, in a year, we have to transition him to a pre-school day care and I’m dreading it.

    I know what its like to hate your job. It makes you hate your life. There are times when I really hate my job, and I tell myself that I can figure out my job when we’re through this process and have made a decision about our next steps. Sometimes people just have jobs to pay the bills. It’s just short term. Jobs allow us to buy food and take care of our babies. And, I reassure myself that someday I will have a job that fills my soul…but not right now. Maybe a little job hunting would do you good. At least give you hope.

    Oh, re: running. It will take 3-6 weeks for you to get your cardiovascular health back. It will come. Just keep at it. (Says the girl who watches old men pass her with their walkers….) PS. I also found that while on progesterone, I was more winded and tired and that may be affecting your effort as welL!

    k

  4. FWIW, my 3 1/2 year old, who loves school while he is there, procrastinates going all the time. It usually starts with him asking, “Is today a school day?” and when the answer is “yes” he starts whining, doesn’t want to get dressed or brush his teeth, etc. However, once in the car when we start to talk about his day and/or sing songs or whatever, he is fine and by the time we pull into his school he bounds into his classroom.

    All this to say, it will get better (and this is a FAR cry from how it was in July when he transitioned from the toddler room to the 3 yr old room when he literally cried and clung to my leg and said, “Mommy, I don’t want to go to Ms. R’s room, I want to stay with Ms G” (even though his friends were in Ms. R’s room)).

    I find that consistency in the morning routine is key, no matter how hard on me it might be. I think that it is better if you maintain the same drop off routine (instead of varying it depending on mood) because it helps set clear expectations and a pattern of what is to follow. So, when he doesn’t want to get dressed or brush his teeth, my husband will say, “Do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way because I want to do it the easy way” and my son knows it means he’ll be getting dressed or brushing his teeth one way or the other. And, when we get to school, I usher him to his classroom (which is through two other rooms) and not allow him to linger or evade.

    In life, limbo is the WORST place for me to be, so I empathize with you so much. I think that making and/or having plans is always a good thing, limbo or no, but especially when in limbo.

  5. I think that O is just going through a phase, I say that after my very eager to get to school little boys, have been having Seperation Anxiety….saying the same things as O…”I’ll stay home, I don’t want to get dressed, I don’t want to see Miss B…(and um, THEY LOVE HER…) so I understand and after the tantrum Gio had this morning, I understand even more, BUT I have decided that it’s just them understanding that you can and go…you go and come back..and sometimes they don’t want you to, when they are younger they don’t know that…I’ve had this exact same conversation with about 5 other moms from their school and it comes down to their age. It’s Not you….it’s not him, it’s just his age and how he’s adapting to knowing things. I know that is not a popular answer, but he will be ok..and honestly probably forgot you about 25 seconds after you left…..I know that our teachers tell us that even on “Bad” days, by the time John and I have hit the front door and are feeling so SH***Y about leaving them crying, they have moved on……and forgotten all about us…which is how it should be..and although my heart still hurts from their cries, I also know that it’s not really about me leaving, it’s just that they don’t feel control over their environment…and once I’m out of it….that control and happiness in it comes back.

    that said, I’m not making less of it, and you’ve got so much on your plate right now, I just give you A BIG HIGH FIVE for even just keeping on….doing your best, walking through it, the answers will come, and with it hopefully some clarity for you and some very very very very happy surprises. 😉

    Love ya sweets

  6. Why can’t the school transition him to the preschool room, if he’s so unhappy in the toddler room? I mean, of course he’s unhappy without all his friends! That doesn’t seem fair. I’m glad he’s starting, anyway.

    And for you, it must be so hard to have so much you want to change and not know when/if you’ll be able to do it. As you said, at least in a week you’ll know. But don’t say “when this cycle doesn’t work.” I know you’re trying to protect yourself, but it might work.

    • Deborah – Wow. That “when” was totally subconscious. I really do have some hope that it will work. Thus the limbo. Thanks for pointing that out.

  7. Limbo sucks. 🙂

  8. Both of you in limbo – big relief to hear that you’re both out again soon. Being able to plan properly is so, so nice. Everything still crossed.

    Bea

  9. Sorry about the limbo – it really does suck.

    As for O – we went through that for a few weeks with T after S had been away for 3 weeks. I guess they just rally dislike change.

  10. Limbo is such a hard place to be because you don’t clearly belong anywhere, and belonging somewhere — mentally knowing where you stand — is such an important piece of information to have for peace of heart. So here’s to limbo being over soon, and both of you heading in happy, peaceful directions.

  11. Sweetie you are pushing yourself very hard in lots of ways simultaneously. Are you trying to sublimate the angst from the cycle, or is this just you? In particular, why are you so frustrated with your CV health? You are still clearly really fit, and this is just a temporary set back. What is your overall goal? Why are you pushing so hard right now? Why not just enjoy the sensation of running, the feeling of doing something good, without aiming for more and more and more, with unclear health benefits, while you have so much else going on?

    Really intrigued why you are so cross with yourself. I think you are doing an amazing job.


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