A post I never wanted to write ever again.

November 1, 2010 at 7:56 am | Posted in FET #5: Last Chance Waltz, Infertility | 27 Comments

When my SIL heard that we were cycling again, she came over to our weekly dinners one night with a box of home pregnancy tests. Someone might as well get use from them, she said.

Thing is. I’m NOT a person who pees on sticks.

See, my trouble is GETTING pregnant. And usually I prefer to have the hope in my 2ww that maybe I am pregnant. Snow white pee sticks pop that hope almost immediately.

So I thought I’d maybe pass them on to one of my BFF J, who I knew was starting to try for her own #2 this month.

Except she didn’t need them.

Because by the time I gave them to her she had already bought her own to confirm that she was pregnant.

(Yeah. First try. Again.)

If she wasn’t so damn sweet and humble and apologetic about the whole damn thing, I might actually be able to hate her.

But I keep reminding myself: it’s not her fault that she gets pregnant right away. I can’t fathom how, but that sort of thing DOES happen.

Right?

And hey, maybe I have a follower uterus, and we might get to be pregnant together!

So since I have 6 home pregnancy tests at home, I figured that perhaps I’d start testing when it was too early to test. Because then I could rationalize the BFN away.

Saturday morning. BFN.

I haven’t tested since.

Because.

Instead of rationalizing that it’s too early?

I’m gutted.

Because. Physically, I’ve felt like SHIT all week. I’m constipated. Bloated. My heart rate is high enough that my running has suffered. I’m bitchy and tired and crampy. I fucking HATE the crinone – apparently a side effect is that it congeals inside in a big mass. Which, when you DO pass it, it’s about as appealing as it sounds.

And, you know, the hope “well maybe this is worth it because I’m pregnant” makes it just a little more bearable.

So seeing in stark white nothingness that what I’m feeling is ENTIRELY progesterone?

It fucking sucks.

Worse yet, I KNOW this hasn’t worked.

Because my boobs are a little less sore every morning. Aside from the above, I feel NOTHING more than that. And I DID have symptoms when I became pregnant with O. I have none of those right now.

So yes. That pregnancy test might have been too early.

But I KNOW.

It didn’t work.

And I WANTED to be Zen about this.

I really did.

I made my peace with our infertility when we brought O home, I said.

I would be okay with being a family of three.

I’m not fucking okay. I’m sick and tired of trying to be okay.

I am tired of trying to turn infertility around so I can GROW from it. I’m tired of talking about it, thinking about it, being okay with having to use a doctor, trying to help my friend and sister through it, tired of trying to be okay with people who can get pregnant in their own beds with their husbands, who don’t really have to DEAL with the possibility that they CAN’T get pregnant.

I’m tired of trying to plan around infertility. Tired of feeling like a big fat utter fucking failure when I think about the fact that over the course of trying, we’ve gone through 15 fucking embryos, with one success to show for it. Tired of trying to draw lines in the sand which always move, the feeling that there’s no good answer, but trying to make something feel like it’s our CHOICE.

Tired of trying to be okay with a situation which really just isn’t fucking okay. J and I had a conversation about The End of Trying last night.

I asked him, are you really okay with being done?

He turned it back on me.

Are you?

No.

I’m NOT okay with being done.

But I’m not okay with having to do another IVF cycle, either.

I’m not okay. I’m not even CLOSE to being okay.

The worst part of this whole damn thing?

I never wanted to come back to this place.

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27 Comments »

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  1. I hear ya…

  2. Oh, so. Very well said. So very well said.

    The thing is, none of it’s ok. You have a list of not-ok choices in front of you and you have to choose one. That’s how it is, and that’s not ok either.

    The crinone and the 2ww makes this all a lot more confusing and difficult. I know you’ll get there in the end (wherever “there” turns out to be), but it’s especially difficult just now.

    Bea

  3. So sorry about the not OK

  4. I tried to come up with something to say here…but all that came into my head was: “Itsucksitsucksitfuckingsucks.”

    [[HUGS]]

  5. 😦 It just sucks. And I think that’s why I’m nervous about going back to cycling…. I don’t want to go back to that place, either. But it’s never going to be okay that some people can get pregnant easily and people like you and I just can’t. Sigh.

  6. I know exactly what you mean.

    The thing with trying for #2 is that you have this hope you will somehow be able to handle it all with less pain and expectation because you are grateful that you had one success and you think it will buffer you from all the pain and disappointment. But, it doesn’t.

  7. I’m sorry this is happening to you and J. I’m here for you.

  8. I’m really sorry Serenity.

  9. It isn’t okay, and you don’t have to be okay with that. You can say that it fucking sucks, because it does — it absolutely does. I’m really sorry, Serenity.

  10. I’m so sorry. You’ve done so well telling yourself (and us) that’s it’s all okay, but of course it must hurt to get this result. I am thinking of you and wishing you luck in whatever you decide to do next, whenever you decide.

  11. I’m so sorry, Serenity … it sucks to be where you are right now, and you’re entitled to feel this way … you shouldn’t have to pretend it’s anything other than what it is, no matter what you may have told yourself, and how brave and stoic you tried to be. It is what it is, sister. *hugs* to you … I wish I could make it better, but all I can do is listen and tell you that we’re here, and that you can shout as loud as you need to in this space.

  12. I don’t even know what to say. No, it’s not okay. None of this is okay. It sucks, and I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do. xo

  13. This post actually made me cry. I’m crying because I so feel you. I felt the same way when our first fresh cycle for a sibling was BFN and again when the next was a chemical and again when the next was BFN and again the next was ectopic. I kept moving the line, too. We said we’d do two fresh cycles in an attempt for a sibling before moving on (to what? even that changed). We did FIVE more own egg cycles before finally moving on. And, not to adoption as we’d originally planned. No, no, no. I made a left turn and did a donor egg cycle (you know, 70% live birth rate and all was just too alluring) and when THAT failed as did the subsequent DEFET, I was fucking done. D.O.N.E.

    It took us a year post all of that to even begin discussing our options and it’s taken months to get the ball rolling. Honestly, I hoped I’d have a change of heart and find my way to being content as a family of three. That just did not happen. But, you know what? I needed ALL that time to just get my head and heart around the whole thing.

    So, I hurt for you knowing just how it fucking sucks and knowing you will have to go through your own process, whatever that may be, to get where you are going.

    I’ve said before that I feel such a kinship with you and want you to know that I am willing you to find your way back to serenity.

  14. Oh hun, I’m so sorry. It’s not ok. It sucks. Every single part of it sucks. And the fact that you got your O doesn’t make the emptiness for your much wanted #2 any better.

    HUGS.

  15. I ma crying here with you. I can feel the hurt in your words my friend and it breaks my heart. I am so sorry. HUGS

  16. It really freaking sucks. I cried and lost sleep for two weeks straight over how to proceed with our last vial. I’m *still* not sure I’m okay with any of it. It’s not fair that all around us are people announcing easily-achieved pregnancies while we make excuses for excessive doctor’s visits, waste our hopes on something that doesn’t happen, and wonder what the future will bring. It’s not fair that we have to try to be okay with things that most people don’t even consider.

    I’m so sorry. I’m there too, and I didn’t want your company. (But only because of what it means for you, of course.) xoxo

  17. You shouldn’t BE back here. So.fvckin.unfair. And you and J deserve better. I am so, so sorry that you are having to go thru this.

    • I’m really sorry – it isn’t fair and there’s no way around the hurt, no matter how much you try to prepare yourself.

  18. Sweetie I am so sorry. I can feel every ounce of pain that you typed. Please know I am here for you, holding your hand.

  19. oh this is a post I never wanted to have to read….
    and I’m sorry I’m late getting here.

    You know what inside of being happiness and light (maybe tomorrow…FOR YOU) I will say that this sucks…it just does…and maybe the universe will let this go the other way instead.

    just between you and me….you have to try another fresh cycle, I don’t think you’ll ever forgive yourself if you don’t. You just have to.

    I love ya, I’m here for you, you come find me if you need me…you should have called me Sat. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    xo

  20. I can’t even say anything – we’ve been dancing this dance it seems for too, too long, and it’s too, too close for me for comfort. I

    (((hugs)))

  21. Oh Serenity. I’m just so sorry sweetie. I wish I could make this one better, just like I wished the first time. (sigh)

  22. I am so sorry for all you are facing. Its a sad fact that IF doesn’t get any less shitty after you have a child. So many people think that if you’ve had one or even two that you should be grateful and that it won’t hurt to not have another. So not true. IF just fucking sucks. I hope that nasty white test is wrong in a few days. You’re allowed to change your mind if you get to a place where that feels ok.

  23. It’s not OK, it totally sucks. So sorry you’re back where no one ever wants to be.

  24. tears from that post. hugs to you sweetie.

  25. Hugs Serenity x

  26. It just fucking sucks. I’m sorry.


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