Shifting Lines in the Sand.

November 2, 2010 at 9:12 am | Posted in FET #5: Last Chance Waltz, Infertility | 58 Comments

Yesterday’s post had been coming for a LONG time.

I promised myself when I started blogging for 4.5 years ago that I would be honest always; I’d blog where I was in the moment, without worrying about what people thought of me.

I haven’t been honest this past month.

I’ve been QUIET.

Because.

I’ve been struggling with supporting one of my best friends through her own IF. I’ve despaired when my sister, a freaking school SOCIAL WORKER, confessed tearfully that she felt GUILTY for wanting to do IVF because “there were so many kids out there who needed love.”

So I put pressure on myself to be okay with whatever happened with our own cycle, because we were going to be all right. I tried to convince myself that because we were lucky to have O in the very first place, I shouldn’t WANT more from the universe.

Because clearly my sister and friend D are more deserving than me, because they had been trying for longer with more pain.

I very nearly convinced myself.

When my BFF J told me she was pregnant, my Zen started ebbing away.

Because the inherent unfairness of IF was right there, in sharp relief.

People DO get pregnant on the first try. Without doctors, or IUIs, or FETs, or whatever.

And it’s no more HER fault that she’s pregnant on the first try as it is my sister’s, or my friend D, or it is for me that we’re NOT pregnant after however many tries we’ve had.

But man, I couldn’t get how unfair it is out of my head.

And that, combined with a lack of symptoms from my own cycle, plus a negative, plus my irrational fear that I’m asking for too much for another pregnancy without really having to suffer?

It sort of just… popped yesterday.

As soon as I got that all out, all the anger and pain… I felt so much better. Just acknowledging it made me feel a whole lot better.

IF sucks. It’s unfair, and I hate it.

Doesn’t change that it’s our reality.

__________________________

J and I had another long conversation last night about The End of Trying. Because how I cope with a BFN is to have a plan for the next time. And all my planning – new job, sub two hour half marathon, other race events, another blog project – just seemed empty to me.

And after a good discussion yesterday with my friend D, I started to wonder: If we quit now, would I regret it?

I truly had no idea. I’m so in the MIDDLE of it all that I have no perspective. I needed help.

And J said: I can guarantee that you will regret not doing another cycle in a few years. I don’t think you’re okay with only having one child, even though you’re trying to be okay with it.

He’s right.

And as much as the idea of doing another fresh cycle made me cry, because I SO don’t want to do one…

He’s right.

So we decided, last night, that when we met with Dr. HIT again, we’d discuss doing a fresh cycle. We’d take a couple of months off during the holiday season – last thing I want to do is try and fit in a cycle before the end of the year. We’re thinking January or so.

I went to bed last night feeling more at peace than I have in a LONG TIME.

__________________________________

Also in the course of our conversation yesterday, my friend D said: Wouldn’t it be something if you ended up with a BFP from the cycle anyway, even though you don’t think it worked? And POSTED that you didn’t think it worked on your blog?

I mean, she said, you DID test REALLY early.

She’s right.

It was really early.

My beta is TOMORROW.

Which means that Saturday was the equivalent of 10dpo. Which, with MOST people, results in a negative result.

Again, I don’t usually pee on sticks. Because a negative means it didn’t work to me. Forget it. I’m not pregnant. It has nothing to do with time, or with days, or whatever.

In my head?

Negative = not pregnant EVER.

But, you know. Beta is tomorrow. And I have pee sticks.

So this morning, I decided to pee on a stick again.

I used a FRER.

And, uh.

It’s very faint.

But clear.

It’s not negative.

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58 Comments »

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  1. oh my goodness…..I’m sitting at work catching up on your last 3 posts…I don’t know you, you don’t know me, but I just busted out crying, hand over my mouth so no one would hear. I will not say anything cliche. But I’ll be thinking about you all day.

  2. I’m a long-time reader, but de-lurking for one of the first times. I can’t wait to see how your story unfolds and will continue to pray for your “not negative!”

  3. Wow! I am so pleased that things are looking good. Long may it continue!! I hadn’t wanted to say don’t lose hope for this cycle on your last post for fear of sounding too Pollyannaish. So exciting to read this.

  4. Holy Crap! I was hoping and praying for you that it was just too early but I didn’t want to say it out loud. I am a lurker, but I love how honest you are with your feelings on this blog. It means so much to me. I too have felt so guilty to wish for another healthy child. I appreciate that at least from a intellectual standpoint you realize no one does anything to deserve to be fertile or infertile. It is not fair, you are completely right. I’m glad you came to a decision to keep on if needed, but even more happy for you that the test you took today was positive. I hope you can enjoy it. Good luck, and thank you again for being so honest and open.
    Melissa in Durahm

  5. NICE!!!!

  6. Not I need to see a picture!!!

    • err…now. Typing class in high school would have been more helpful than Latin, I think.

      On the flip side, I’m very useful when watching any “Indiana Jones” movies 🙂

  7. awesomenesss

  8. I am excited about how all this is unfolding for you! And will be waiting anxiously for the beta results!

  9. AAAHHH! I’ve done that before – freaked out totally, got a plan in place for cycling again, then found out it actually worked. Hoping for a great beta!

  10. Good to have plans.

    Oh and a cautious yay!

  11. I’m throwing caution to the wind and saying WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Leslie B.

  12. I’m sending a cautious HOORAY your way.

  13. long-time lurker – this post has me crying. i’m keeping my fingers crossed for you!

  14. *deep breath* … sending hope.

    Regardless of what happens, this was all very brave of you … and I’m glad that you made peace with yourself, and were able to admit what you need. It’s not about who “deserves” what, of course … you know this. It’s about what you feel, in your heart, is right.

    *hugs* to you …

  15. I’ve been sort of quite, but I just had a feeling this one was gonna work. I hope it continues to be clear that it isn’t a negative!!

  16. Here’s hoping things continue to look positive.

  17. LOL….Good luck! 🙂

  18. I LOVE it when life happens when one is busy making plans.

    Look at that!

    Clearly not negative is the best double negative I’ve heard!

    I can ONLY imagine your reaction upon seeing THAT result!

  19. Just catching up here. I applaud you for being honest with yourself. IF sucks. No two ways about it.

    That said – I am giddy about the new possibilities for you… and that the shifting line in the sand will keep moving you towards child #2. Can’t wait to hear what tomorrow’s news will be.

  20. i’m glad your heart made itself heard. what a great start to the next chapter…i know it’s early so I’m doing my celebrating on the inside, but I feel really really excited for you guys.

  21. EEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

    I was SO hoping when I saw your post yesterday that it was a) too early or b) you were like me and ended up with dud tests.

    But I’m glad you were able to work through all the discussion about whether or not to try again with a clear head. I’m like you- I want a plan to help cope with disappointment. When I thought this last cycle was a bust, Q. and I were already talking about when we would try an FET.

    And now I hope you need never need another IVF cycle ever again.

    Will be waiting with bated breath for your beta!

    I wish I knew you so I could give you a huge hug in person.
    xoxo
    T.

  22. Oh please, universe, please make that faint line darker! Wishing and hoping for you!

  23. What wonderful news! I’m sure you are trying to not get too excited yet but I’m thrilled for you!!!!!!!

  24. OMG! OMG! I just gasped out loud, and that’s all I can say – Oh My G-d! And also, wow, you are a writer. I read through that whole post and didn’t see that coming until I read the last line.

    Anyway, I am so so hoping that line gets darker and wishing you the best!

  25. Sqeee!!! I can’t imagine how afraid you might be. Sorry. I was holding out hope- but I didn’t want to say anything in case you didn’t want to hear it.
    As you know the light/darkness doesn’t matter. It’s a ‘ is it there or not” test.
    I have butterflies in MY stomach! Poor you.
    xoxo

  26. Here’s hoping *crosses fingers*.
    I also love that you and J had such an awesome open discussion. You are in this together.

  27. Oh man, do I hope this cycle works and you don’t have to do another fresh cycle. But I’m here to cheer you on through whatever the result is!

  28. HOLY CRAP! That would be AWESOME if it was BFP! I hope so! The only time I saw that illusive line in my life it was very very faint…and, yup, here I have my son to prove for it! Here’s hoping!

    And, there is no “deserving” to get pregnant. No one deserves anything. No one deserves pain. No one deserves happiness. Life is just a crap shot!!

    I’m hoping for you.

  29. {whispering} : CONGRATS!!!!

    Fingers and toes crossed!

    xoxo

  30. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

  31. 🙂 I thought 10dpo was a little early!

  32. it’s NOT NEGATIVE..and that’s all I need to know and hear right now.

    (I”ll do my own happy dance over here….and wait ..with you. )

    xo

  33. Just got chills. Congrats. Lots of hope coming your way.

  34. I am holding my breath… fingers crossed… Praying that tomorrow brings wonderful news

  35. Aaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! Not going to sleep a wink til I hear about the beta!!!!!

  36. My goodness, your post almost brought me to tears, both for the honesty and the news at the end. Fingers crossed for you.

  37. OH WOW!!! I have everything crossed.

  38. well well well. Not negative eh? That is very good news indeed. Reservedly excited here.

  39. Wow, oh wow!

    I’m catching up on your posts and my heart was breaking for you…as always, your writing is so raw and honest.

    Not negative.

    Much better than still negative!

    Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers…

  40. Long time lurker- very seldom commenter- wow. Wishing you luck I guess!!! Not negative is definitly a positive thing!

  41. Holding my breath over here, and pulling for some rockin’ numbers!

  42. Oho! This is MOST excellent news to read! So thrilled but damn, do you know how old it makes me feel?? I know, who said it was about me, right? Pffft!

    If I was there, just imagine me holding you and jumping up and down and squealing like little girls. Of course, I would make you hold the pee stick – with the cap on, thankyou!

  43. Oh wow oh wow oh wow oh wow oh wow. After yesterdy’s post, this is so wonderful to read. I am so hoping for a good beta for you tomorrow.

    (fwiw, I pretty much felt the exact same way at the “end” of this cycle where symptoms are concerned. And had a seriously faint 2nd line on the frer at 14dpo. And am going for a 6w u/s tomorrow.)

    Oh! Just lots of hope for you Serenity.

  44. I tested early with this one, and it was negative- and then had a beta of well over 600 on 14 dpo.

  45. WOW!!! I was wondering if maybe 10 DPO was a little early for you. So exciting! Looking forward to tomorrow’s number 🙂

  46. YAY – That is so exciting! Congratulations.

  47. Oh the roller coaster of emotions this IF brings us! I am saying a cautious yay for you, too! Can’t wait to see tomorrow’s beta!

  48. My heart was aching for you yesterday and I was hoping it was too early. But being told its too early doesn’t change what you were feeling right then. I’m so glad that you and J had a productive conversation out of all this . So – CONGRATULATIONS! Can’t wait to hear numbers tomorrow!

  49. So excited for you! Keeping my fingers crossed for a fabulous beta! 🙂

  50. Holy crap, I’m so excited I might pee myself. I can’t wait to hear about your beta tomorrow. What a crazy rollercoaster this cycle has been, eh?

    I was thinking, as I read the other comments, that I could almost call myself a lurker now. I mean I know we’ve “known” each other for years via blogging, but I suck so badly at posting (and pretty much at commenting these days), that I guess I’ve come full circle to being a lurker again.

    But none of that dampens my (I’m sure I’m supposed to say “cautious” here, but f it, I’m WILDLY happy) enthusiasm. I’m thrilled at the possibility for you guys. I’ll be holding my breath until you post tomorrow.

    xo

  51. Holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit 🙂 And I mean that it the best way possible. Beta is tomorrow?

  52. holy shit!! i’m very cautiously EXCITED for you…

    🙂 🙂

  53. I love how you just casually attached your “breaking news” right at the end! Praying for a stellar beta and a healthy pregnancy!

  54. Ooh! I have things crossed extra hard now. Can’t wait to hear numbers.

    Bea

  55. best news ever!! congratulations!!!

  56. Congrats, good luck.

  57. YAY!!!! I am so excited for you! I hope that everything continues to progress well and that a fresh cycle is never something that has to cross your mind again! Amazing news!


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