Shifting Lines in the Sand.November 2, 2010 at 9:12 am | Posted in FET #5: Last Chance Waltz, Infertility | 58 Comments
Yesterday’s post had been coming for a LONG time.
I promised myself when I started blogging for 4.5 years ago that I would be honest always; I’d blog where I was in the moment, without worrying about what people thought of me.
I haven’t been honest this past month.
I’ve been QUIET.
I’ve been struggling with supporting one of my best friends through her own IF. I’ve despaired when my sister, a freaking school SOCIAL WORKER, confessed tearfully that she felt GUILTY for wanting to do IVF because “there were so many kids out there who needed love.”
So I put pressure on myself to be okay with whatever happened with our own cycle, because we were going to be all right. I tried to convince myself that because we were lucky to have O in the very first place, I shouldn’t WANT more from the universe.
Because clearly my sister and friend D are more deserving than me, because they had been trying for longer with more pain.
I very nearly convinced myself.
When my BFF J told me she was pregnant, my Zen started ebbing away.
Because the inherent unfairness of IF was right there, in sharp relief.
People DO get pregnant on the first try. Without doctors, or IUIs, or FETs, or whatever.
And it’s no more HER fault that she’s pregnant on the first try as it is my sister’s, or my friend D, or it is for me that we’re NOT pregnant after however many tries we’ve had.
But man, I couldn’t get how unfair it is out of my head.
And that, combined with a lack of symptoms from my own cycle, plus a negative, plus my irrational fear that I’m asking for too much for another pregnancy without really having to suffer?
It sort of just… popped yesterday.
As soon as I got that all out, all the anger and pain… I felt so much better. Just acknowledging it made me feel a whole lot better.
IF sucks. It’s unfair, and I hate it.
Doesn’t change that it’s our reality.
J and I had another long conversation last night about The End of Trying. Because how I cope with a BFN is to have a plan for the next time. And all my planning – new job, sub two hour half marathon, other race events, another blog project – just seemed empty to me.
And after a good discussion yesterday with my friend D, I started to wonder: If we quit now, would I regret it?
I truly had no idea. I’m so in the MIDDLE of it all that I have no perspective. I needed help.
And J said: I can guarantee that you will regret not doing another cycle in a few years. I don’t think you’re okay with only having one child, even though you’re trying to be okay with it.
And as much as the idea of doing another fresh cycle made me cry, because I SO don’t want to do one…
So we decided, last night, that when we met with Dr. HIT again, we’d discuss doing a fresh cycle. We’d take a couple of months off during the holiday season – last thing I want to do is try and fit in a cycle before the end of the year. We’re thinking January or so.
I went to bed last night feeling more at peace than I have in a LONG TIME.
Also in the course of our conversation yesterday, my friend D said: Wouldn’t it be something if you ended up with a BFP from the cycle anyway, even though you don’t think it worked? And POSTED that you didn’t think it worked on your blog?
I mean, she said, you DID test REALLY early.
It was really early.
My beta is TOMORROW.
Which means that Saturday was the equivalent of 10dpo. Which, with MOST people, results in a negative result.
Again, I don’t usually pee on sticks. Because a negative means it didn’t work to me. Forget it. I’m not pregnant. It has nothing to do with time, or with days, or whatever.
In my head?
Negative = not pregnant EVER.
But, you know. Beta is tomorrow. And I have pee sticks.
So this morning, I decided to pee on a stick again.
I used a FRER.
It’s very faint.
It’s not negative.