When Good News is Bad News.

November 8, 2010 at 11:16 am | Posted in FET #5: Last Chance Waltz, Infertility, Pregnancy | 12 Comments

Back in the day, when we were failing cycle after cycle after cycle, I remember when my friend S called me to tell me she was pregnant. With her second child. On a converted IUI/IVF cycle.

Oh, Serenity, she said. It should be YOU, not me.

I remember thinking at the time: Damn RIGHT it should be me.

I am not proud of those thoughts.

I wasn’t then, either. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to be okay when people around me got pregnant. I reminded myself when someone said something that was hurtful that they were doing so unintentionally.

But, god, it was hard to see people around me moving on. I hated it, I hated the reminder that I was a failure, I hated seeing how UNFAIR it was that we had to struggle.

And when I finally announced my pregnancy with O, I remember being overwhelmed with the EMOTION from the others. From the girl who told me to “just adopt,” who broke down in tears and hugged me over and over.

From my SIL, who insisted that I be at her shower, who cried, gave me all her maternity clothing, then left us flowers and a card.


Last week, when I got that positive pregnancy test, I knew that it was going to be hurtful to some people I love who are struggling with their own infertility right now.

Because I remember being in that place. Despairing that we’d ever have a kid in the first place, watching people get pregnant with their SECOND kid, wondering if my path was different.

Seeing my failure again and again in a vacuum was hard enough. Watching others succeed where I had failed, well, it was sometimes too much to handle.

So now I’m on the other side. For now.

Truth be told, I didn’t realize how much it would hurt ME to be in this position. I feel guilty, like I stole from someone’s candy jar. Or cut in line.

And I could SO identify with S’s comment to me so many years ago.

Because it’s pretty much exactly what I wanted to say last week, too.

It should be YOU, not me.

Damn right, huh?



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  1. I wish I could say that feeling got better. G and I struggled for three years before our son was born only to turn around and “WHOOPS!” get pregnant with our daughter. I was almost ashamed to talk about it online in front of people who I knew were struggling just to have one. People do understand though. And we just keeping hoping it will VERY soon be them.

  2. Generally, I am hopeful when “one of our own” make it to the other side. But, this being said, it still makes me wish it was me. But, that’s human nature. I just remind myself that pregnancy is not a zero-sum game….just b/c someone else gets pregnant doesn’t mean I can’t too.

  3. I know exactly what you mean. The only hope I have is that our own pregnancies mean hope for someone else, too … knowing that it’s possible might make it feel more possible, even when it feels completely *im*possible.

  4. Stop thinking “It should be you, NOT me”…start thinking “It should be you AND me”. You deserve this as much as anyone else who has struggled. Please remember that.

    • Couldn’t agree with this comment more. Those around you still dealing with infertility probably do wish it was them. However, let’s not forget all the struggle it took you to get here with O. And Get those embryos that used for the FET’s. Let’s also not forget that just because you got pg does not mean they WON’T.

  5. I agree, it shouldn’t NOT be you — it just should be EVERYONE who wants to be pregnant. We should all have the good fortune to conceive on the first try, in the privacy of our own homes, with our husbands.

    But that’s not our reality. We have all gotten screwed by IF in a multitude of ways. And nobody deserves to take an emotional beating trying to get pregnant. Not the first time, not the second time, not the tenth time.

  6. I have cried more tears this week. As my husband and I were getting ready for bed last night I read him all of your entries from the last 2 weeks. We rejoiced over your positive test, remembered our miscarriage 18 years ago, felt the pain of our 5 years of infertility, talked about the anger we felt over friends’ easy pregnancies, then got up and tucked in our teenage boys. The emotional pain can be overwhelming even years later. Enjoy every happy moment, endure every painful moment, and cherish the hear and now.

  7. It should be anyone who wants it to be. You will feel guilty, I certainly did, but you shouldn’t.

  8. It should be all of us. And you shouldn’t feel guilty.

  9. I agree with all that said it should be all you, me and everyone.

    I understand the guilt. But, try not to let it overtake you. This is a good and happy thing and I hope you will be able to enjoy it more than any worry or guilt that may come up.

  10. It should be anyone. It’s just unfair.

    I’m still glad you’re on the blessed side of the equation.


  11. It should be BOTH of you. Praying that she gets her good news very soon!

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