When Good News is Bad News.November 8, 2010 at 11:16 am | Posted in FET #5: Last Chance Waltz, Infertility, Pregnancy | 12 Comments
Back in the day, when we were failing cycle after cycle after cycle, I remember when my friend S called me to tell me she was pregnant. With her second child. On a converted IUI/IVF cycle.
Oh, Serenity, she said. It should be YOU, not me.
I remember thinking at the time: Damn RIGHT it should be me.
I am not proud of those thoughts.
I wasn’t then, either. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to be okay when people around me got pregnant. I reminded myself when someone said something that was hurtful that they were doing so unintentionally.
But, god, it was hard to see people around me moving on. I hated it, I hated the reminder that I was a failure, I hated seeing how UNFAIR it was that we had to struggle.
And when I finally announced my pregnancy with O, I remember being overwhelmed with the EMOTION from the others. From the girl who told me to “just adopt,” who broke down in tears and hugged me over and over.
From my SIL, who insisted that I be at her shower, who cried, gave me all her maternity clothing, then left us flowers and a card.
Last week, when I got that positive pregnancy test, I knew that it was going to be hurtful to some people I love who are struggling with their own infertility right now.
Because I remember being in that place. Despairing that we’d ever have a kid in the first place, watching people get pregnant with their SECOND kid, wondering if my path was different.
Seeing my failure again and again in a vacuum was hard enough. Watching others succeed where I had failed, well, it was sometimes too much to handle.
So now I’m on the other side. For now.
Truth be told, I didn’t realize how much it would hurt ME to be in this position. I feel guilty, like I stole from someone’s candy jar. Or cut in line.
And I could SO identify with S’s comment to me so many years ago.
Because it’s pretty much exactly what I wanted to say last week, too.
It should be YOU, not me.
Damn right, huh?