Realism.

November 11, 2010 at 7:52 am | Posted in FET #5: Last Chance Waltz, Pregnancy | 33 Comments

Here are the facts:

I have had no more spotting since the episode on Tuesday.

750 is a 63 hour doubling time from the 198 we got last Friday. Pretty far from the median doubling time of 40 hours that’s reported on betabase, and much slower than the initial doubling time we measured of 31 hours.

750 is also below the median of 1248 for 21dpo. However, it’s close to the median for 20dpo, and since we started low, it’s not THAT far off, if you look at it as one data point.

Those are facts.

But it’s the doubling time that’s got me. My nurse not only told me that we were right on the cusp, but she told me to stay cautiously optimistic.

How is 63 hours “on a cusp?” How is that something to be excited about?

I think it’s medical speak for there isn’t much we can do, so we’ll give you some hope, but we think this is going to resolve itself in the next few days. But we do want you in for an ultrasound sooner to make sure this failing pregnancy is, in fact, in your uterus, and not in a place where it puts your health at risk.

Okay, clearly that’s pessimism and anger at the situation speaking.

But seriously. Realistically, is there much hope in this being viable?

Because I don’t see it. I can’t be cautiously optimistic, even, that I have HcG in my body AND it’s still rising. (I see ectopic or molar, actually.)

But from the beginning of this cycle, I thought it was going to fail. I didn’t think I would get a BFP. Even after I got the positive hpt, I thought it was a chemical.

So I clearly am not balanced in how I view this whole thing, not even CLOSE.

So tell me.

Is there reason to hope?

Or is this doomed?

Advertisements

33 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

  1. I hear you on the frustration.

    Here’s what *I* know. I hear a lot of infertility bloggers tout the 48 hour doubling time as the only true and correct number. But ever RE I’ve talked to talks about a normal doubling time of 48-72 hours. So that’s probably where your nurse’s “cusp” is coming from. You’re still below 72 hours, you started low, so you’re not doing as well as they hoped, but it’s still viable by their calculations.

    Every single time I talked to my nurse (in 3 positive cycles), her idea of what the numbers should be was much lower than what *my* idea of what the numbers should be.

    So yes, there’s reason to hope. Unless your numbers start going drastically down, there is reason to hope. Hold onto hope until all evidence points to the contrary. I’m sitting here hoping for you in case you can’t bring yourself to let hope in. I certainly know that feeling.

  2. Honestly, I’m with chezperky. When I was pregnant with my son and we were doing serial betas my midwife continually reminded me that she considered doubling time within the 48-72 hour time frame, which completely threw me off given the doctorate I have in “googleology”. I wanted the numbers the internet touted and that’s all I could consider. I would still have hope if I were in your situation but knowing myself, I would also be steeling myself to the possibility that things wouldn’t go well. Either way, I am hoping for you in all the best ways and praying that all the numbers in the future are the best they can be.

  3. Yes, your nurse is spot on. Nice and median would be greatly comforting, but 48-72hrs is considered normal and there are lots of good news stories outside of that, if you care to look. Whether you want to feel optimistic (cautiously or otherwise) or not is up to you, but your nurse isn’t lying to try and make you feel better over the weekend.

    Bea

  4. I know that we all want 47.5 hours as our doubling time and nice high betas but the truth is that many many people have “low” betas according to betabase and still get take home babies…

    I don’t know if you should hope or not. I understand the need to not hope. I also know I have boatloads of Hope over here for you. I’m hoping like mad on your behalf. And praying. Lots of prayers.

  5. I dunno. Tough call. My betas never doubled in 48 hours with Lu. The doubling times were 52, 64, and 50 hours. Scared the crap out of me. I say don’t give up hope yet. Are you going to get another beta done?

  6. you’re not allowed to say DOOMED to me. I can’t tout any more than the PPs ..they did a fantastic job of giving you HOPE. I just don’t want you to FEEL DOOM…not after all this.

    Head Up, Moving Forward…and me sitting here on lilypad praying…Please know that I am only thinking GOOD WONDERFUL HOPEFUL thoughts for you today.

    hugs my friend
    xo

  7. I can understand why you don’t want to get your hopes up. But it’s also too soon to say ‘doomed’. I don’t know where the odds lie when you’re “on the cusp” but I know in the end it doesn’t really matter where the odds lie. What matters is this particular pregnancy. And only time will tell how it’s going to go. I’m sorry you’re in limbo. And I’m hoping for the best.

  8. From all that I have heard from the REs, it seems that while that is low, it is not unheard to come off of that and have a viable pregnancy.

    I guess I would hold onto the hope as much as you dare. [[Hugs]]

  9. Serenity, your frustration is very normal. I would be feeling the same way. I know how hard it is to wait. Trust me, I know. Hope is a very personal thing nobody can give it to you by yourself my friend. I am always hopeful. I found out that regardless with or without hope I will get heartbroken when bad things happen… but I am better off hoping until knowing for sure than being hopeless. HUGS

  10. I’m here from Mel’s 11/11 wish post. That Hope is the worst kind of tease, isn’t she? It makes my heart ache to think of the internal battle you must be fighting between wanting so badly to hope but not wanting to invest too much in that hope only to have it cruelly dashed. I’ll be waiting to see if your wish comes true. I sincerely hope it does.

  11. I think you need to stuck with the facts of this pgcy. Don’t read to much into it. Tomorrow you will know more. In the meantime? Stay in the moment with J and O.

  12. I was reading the other comments and trying to remember what my RE’s nurse said about doubling times, and then I recalled that I had to go an entire WEEK from beta to beta, because the RE’s nurse said that 48 hours often was an unreliable timeframe.

    And also — I think the beta websites are BS, especially the self-reporting ones, because the exact dpo is only known via u/s monitoring, which most women do not have. Several friends have checked their first beta against a website and learned that they were in range for twins or triplets; they all had singletons and no evidence of multiple pregnancy on the first u/s. And when I was pregnant with my twins, my levels were awfully low for twins according to the websites, but right off the bat the nurse said my level meant “possibly twins.”

    So I think that objectively there is some room for optimism — and no reason to assume it will be molar or ectopic.

    Hang in there…

  13. I don’t know whether you should hope or not. I wonder if your focus shouldn’t be on how to best care for yourself? I mean that sincerely- I *wonder.* Since I m/c ed very early many times- I had to find out a way to survive.
    I don’t know what would work for you- what worked for me—
    **focus on the NOW. Right NOW you are Pregnant-and right NOW there is no other reason to think otherwise. Yes anything could happen-but thinking about the1000 possible outcomes will drive you into insanity. I focus on the NOW by going through the five senses to bring me into the moment when my mind wanders.
    **for me-and it may sound crazy- but I decided to relish every moment of my 10 second pregnancies- by rubbing my belly and talking and/or thinking warm thoughts towards little one. Because they were only going to be a part of me for a nanosecond I wanted that nanosecond to be a warm one. That’s me- that could be the worst thing for you to do- but it’s an example.

    So my ass vice is to ramp up the self-care to the 10th degree.

    I am sending you more warmth than you can imagine- as are all the commenters-feel it. We abide with you, K. We all do.
    xoxo

  14. If u are interested- the five senses are
    -what do I smell right now?
    -what do I hear right now, etc……

  15. I know every clinic is different, but with my pregnancy my RE’s office was concerned it was an ectopic, and they had me in there for an ultrasound the next day. Ectopics are dangerous. So given that they want you to wait until Monday for the ultrasound, I’m guessing they *don’t* think it’s an ectopic, which is good. Also, you say you haven’t had much cramping. Of course I can’t tell you whether it’s viable or not, but I’m hoping it is. Sorry for this awful rollercoaster you’re on, though.

  16. Oh, I so feel for the limbo you are in and in great measure whether you can muster hope or not, you just have to wade through these uncertain days and hours. There is no way around, just through.

    Hoping you can quiet your mind during this time of waiting.

  17. I wish you all the best, of course and hope that optimism and good news will resume tomorrow.

    For once I am happy that they don’t do betas here, it’s just adding extra thrill to the rollercoaster ride. TOmorrow you will know more (hopefully), tonight, enjoy your lovely son and husband! Hugs.

  18. I can only speak from my own experience. I have had 2 ectopics – both brought severe pain, cramping, heavy bleeding, and HcG that went astronomically high, very fast…like you would think I was having quadruplets, except, ooops, not so much. Healthy pregnancies for me bring doubling times in the 50-60 hour range. I have been told 48-72 is normal. I am not sure if there is hope or not, I wish I could tell you better. I am hoping for you, and hope that whatever happens you get the answer SOON so you are out of the horrifying limbo stage.

  19. Every little life is an individual, and from the beginning, has a “mind” of its own. I keep reminding myself that … and that medicine is, therefore, an art, not a science. I hope you get an answer soon, because limbo just plain sucks.

  20. I have no answers or opinions…just sending you my sincere hope and wishes for a healthy pregnancy. I will be thinking about you so much until we hear from you tomorrow.

  21. I would tell you to always err on the side of hope. For me, that’s tough. With infertility, I always kept myself low so I wouldn’t have so far to fall. But I think it’s important to hold out hope.
    Have I told you this like 5 times before already? can’t remember, so I’ll tell you again. Like you, my hcg numbers with Grace started lower than most people. A few days later, I started having pain my left side so I went in to the clinic. An ultrasound revealed that the pregnancy was not ectopic, but it wasn’t “developing normally” for being 4.5 weeks along. I was given a prescription to induce a miscarriage if it didn’t happen on it’s own within a week. But I couldn’t take it. Hope, I guess. God, actually. Because another ultrasound 1.5 weeks later showed that everything was fine. The pregnancy was perfectly fine. Can you imagine if I had taken that Rx?
    So I think hope is important. Doctors can be wrong. God knows that doctor was! It’d be nice just to not feel anything at all, wouldn’t it! To just get through the next few days in fast forward mode. I was thinking about you last night and the agony of waiting. I remember coming home from that ultrasound and I had no idea what to do with myself. Wait for a miscarriage? How does one do that? I couldn’t even stand being in my own body and in my own house. I just wanted to dissolve into thin air.
    I’m saying prayers for you today, for peace & for hope.

  22. Sending you lots of good thoughts and prayers along your way. I hope that you can see a heartbeat on Monday and that this little one will stay. I can so understand what you must be going through, because I am also in a very bad place during my 2 WW right now…

  23. There’s always hope. Every experience is different, of course, but I had very atypical hcg numbers in an IVF cycle that did in fact turn into a baby. They were just about to give me the methotrexate, though. And Betabase drove me crazy, naturally.

    16dpo (days past ovulation)=98
    18dpo=155 (doubling time=72.6 hours)
    22dpo=717 (doubling time=43.4 hours)
    24dpo=1489 (doubling time=45.5 hours)
    26dpo=2582 (doubling time=60.4 hours)

    I know what hell this limbo is. I’m sorry that you have to experience it. But I, like all the others, am sending positive thoughts and the suggestion to hold on to hope.

  24. I’m with the others on what the nurse said. It IS middle-cusp.

    As for ectopic, with my first pregnancy, I had a bad rise, but it kept rising, and it was NOT ectopic. So JUST that alone doesn’t mean physical doom. I also agree that if they were terribly worried about ectopic, they’d have you in sooner.

    As far as the pg being doomed, I’d really say not yet. But of course you’re thinking it, who wouldn’t? Good luck.

  25. I don’t know. That’s the real answer.

    BabyHope’s numbers were odd and ended up okay. Miscarriage in 2/09 numbers were lowish and rising “adequately”. Miscarriage in 2/10, numbers were fantastic until the hemorrhage.

    It’s probably not molar. Those are usually super high hCG. Viable? Maybe. Not viable? Maybe. Ectopic? Maybe, but I really hope not.

    (hugs)

  26. There is always reason to hope. But will hoping help you get through to the next beta or just drive you crazy? I’m with whoever said that the most important thing is to take care of yourself until you know what you are dealing with. I know that doesn’t help a lot as being in limbo will drive you crazy in and of itself. But, it’s the best assvice I can give.

  27. I think there is almost always some hope. But whether or not that is helpful to you… I don’t know. I always hated not knowing the answer. I wanted a yes or a no, not a “maybe.” It’s so very stressful. I’m sorry you don’t have answers yet. I hope you get some soon.

  28. Could an u/s tomorrow show anything? I am sorry that you are in limbo. I have been there several times. I know that the u/s will probably also be inconclusive, but sometimes it helps me to have as much information as possible.

  29. Thinking of you, waiting with you, praying for you!

  30. Where you are sitting right now is awful…I’ve been there many times over the last 5 years.

    The last 2 m/c’s of mine were slow risers, probable ectopics…they didn’t even come close to doubling, after the 2nd beta. More like an increase of 10 to 15 points.

    Limbo sucks.

    At this point it could go either way…it’s hard to have hope, and painful to think of what might happen. Take time for you right now and focus on O and J. I, like Christina, decided to make the most of when I was pregnant, even when I knew it wasn’t going to last. It didn’t stop the pain, but at least I had a few days of happiness.

    You don’t have to hold on to hope…I’ll hold onto it for you. Sending lots of prayers, too.

  31. I still have hope and agree with what Bea says. Thinking of you.

  32. All I’ll say is that this IVF shite is scary. But I’m cheering along from the sidelines.

    xx

    g

  33. speak the plain truth; call a spade a spade; tell it as it is

    Oakley Half Jacket Sunglasse http://www.ebuyaccessories.com


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.

%d bloggers like this: