Another Kind of Limbo.November 13, 2010 at 8:05 pm | Posted in Infertility | 15 Comments
Part of me was a little relieved when I got the call from my clinic. Because I had lost hope, and really I was just trying to talk myself into optimism because I had no other option. And it was really HARD to keep the optimism going.
Driving home last night, I felt a numb sort of anger.
Because we’re back at square one. Where, if we want to bring home a sibling for O, we have to do IVF. AGAIN.
Fresh cycle fucking FOUR.
Before now, I thought that since we did have success with a cycle after my surgery, maybe we had fixed everything so that we’d have another success pretty easily.
Now? I’m not so sure.
And I do NOT go through the whole rigamarole of another fresh cycle if we’re going to end up in the same place. Because my biggest fear is that I will end up bitter and jaded, where infertility defines me. I’m terrified of ending up forced into a choice of having a family of three because, well, we have no other alternative.
So last night, instead of getting drunk, J and I talked. What’s next?
And in the course of our discussion, I started getting frustrated that he was saying NOTHING about what HE wanted. And said so.
And then he said it.
If it were up to me, we’d be done with trying now.
He went on to say that he didn’t want to give an opinion because he didn’t think I was ready to be done.
And I will confess, I really do have a hard time imagining giving up the idea of our family of four. Until we started trying again, I didn’t realize just how much I wanted it. How ready I was to experience pregnancy and babyhood again.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this again. Emotionally, physically, the FETs were really pretty low maintenance. To do the shots, the monitoring, the retrieval, the waiting to hear how many embryos and what quality they were, the transfer options, the freezing of the remaining embryos, the 2ww, then the beta/early pregnancy hell?
I need to know that I’ll come out of it with a real, live baby.
And of course, there are no assurances.
So last night when J said that if he were to choose, we’d be done…
Well. There was a lot of relief in it. Because we could get on with our life.
We can move on.
But if we don’t give O a sibling, will he MISS it? Will HE be okay with being our only child?
Will *I* be okay with it? Or will I always regret not doing more?
I wish I knew.
So here we are. Stuck in a different kind of limbo.