In the Here and Now.November 15, 2010 at 8:26 am | Posted in Infertility, Mythical #2 | 10 Comments
Oy. What a tough weekend.
Saturday night it just all hit me, I suppose. And so on Sunday morning, I was very close to tears a lot. I was bleeding and cramping. And every little tiny thing hurt. The formula coupon in the Sunday insert. The infant carrier in one of the carts at the grocery store. The baby food aisle. The pregnant bellies.
But O was a salve, too. Not just because you have to be in the moment when you’re with him (otherwise you’re in trouble!), but seeing him here just reminds me how lucky we are to have him in the first place.
Maybe he was our ONLY stroke of luck.
But we ARE really lucky.
Slowly but surely, spending time with him yesterday helped dissipate the heaviness in my chest.
The one thing is certain. I cannot make any sort of decisions right now about what’s next. Because this weekend, even, I was all over the place. Saturday morning I was done with trying. Sunday I KNEW we were going to do IVF.
I need to give myself space to sort things out, and hopefully something will become clear in time.
In the meantime?
I start a new half marathon training program this week in preparation for a half at the end of February. There’s one on Cape Cod that my friend Heather is planning on running, so I think I’ll join her.
This time? I want to finish in under 2 hours. So this training program will incorporate hillwork and speedwork, but ALSO longer long runs. My longest run will be 18 miles. I think this will help me comfortable with 13.1, so I can avoid the last three mile pain threshold.
I can’t say I’m okay, yet. But I am changing my focus onto the things I do have in my life right now. I have a gorgeous son who is my favorite person in the world. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I have my health, two strong legs, friends, family, a pretty secure job, and the ability to devote time to things that I love. Like running.
I really do have a good life.
I’m going to keep telling myself that.