In the Here and Now.

November 15, 2010 at 8:26 am | Posted in Infertility, Mythical #2 | 10 Comments

Oy. What a tough weekend.

Saturday night it just all hit me, I suppose. And so on Sunday morning, I was very close to tears a lot. I was bleeding and cramping. And every little tiny thing hurt. The formula coupon in the Sunday insert. The infant carrier in one of the carts at the grocery store. The baby food aisle. The pregnant bellies.

But O was a salve, too. Not just because you have to be in the moment when you’re with him (otherwise you’re in trouble!), but seeing him here just reminds me how lucky we are to have him in the first place.

Maybe he was our ONLY stroke of luck.

But we ARE really lucky.

Slowly but surely, spending time with him yesterday helped dissipate the heaviness in my chest.

The one thing is certain. I cannot make any sort of decisions right now about what’s next. Because this weekend, even, I was all over the place. Saturday morning I was done with trying. Sunday I KNEW we were going to do IVF.

I need to give myself space to sort things out, and hopefully something will become clear in time.

In the meantime?

I start a new half marathon training program this week in preparation for a half at the end of February. There’s one on Cape Cod that my friend Heather is planning on running, so I think I’ll join her.

This time? I want to finish in under 2 hours. So this training program will incorporate hillwork and speedwork, but ALSO longer long runs. My longest run will be 18 miles. I think this will help me comfortable with 13.1, so I can avoid the last three mile pain threshold.

I can’t say I’m okay, yet. But I am changing my focus onto the things I do have in my life right now. I have a gorgeous son who is my favorite person in the world. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I have my health, two strong legs, friends, family, a pretty secure job, and the ability to devote time to things that I love. Like running.

I really do have a good life.

I’m going to keep telling myself that.



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  1. Healing will come in due time. Hugs.

  2. I think it’s wise to put off deciding about next steps til you give yourself some time to grieve the miscarriage and the fact that the 2 FETs didn’t result in a baby. The holidays wouldn’t be a good time for IVF anyway. So enjoy O, and your running, and take your time.

  3. Atta girl.

    Being thankful is a great way to switch focus.

  4. I’m very sorry for your loss Serenity.

  5. Definitely a good decision to take your time over the next step. And I know the running has helped in the past, so I’m glad to hear you’re back into it, too. February – I’ll be watching out to see if you can meet your new running goals!


  6. I’m glad you can see the sun through the clouds, I’m glad that you can focus on something else for right now, and it will give you time to think, it will help you be healthy and also give you time to just be with yourself…

    there are no good words, you just have to “Go through it, run THROUGH the pain” and then get to the other side.

    no matter what…I love ya. xo

  7. I know with time you will come to a decision that is right for you. Hang in there and when you need to, hold onto O as tightly as he will let you.

  8. I am so sorry for your loss. Life IS good and we are indeed more than our infertility, but these losses knock us down so hard sometimes. Sending you thoughts of comfort, peace, and clarity.

  9. I think focusing on what you have is a good way to deal with grief any kind of grief. I know it has helped me a lot.
    Good Luck with your running goal, I know you can do it!

  10. I had a chemical pregnancy (beta was 33) last year. I also had an uncle that died in 2008 after 56 years with severe cerebral palsy. I took comfort in knowing that usually these early losses are due to a genetic or chromosomal abnormality and God chose to spare my unborn child a life fraught with challenge and pain. I know that this reasoning is thin but after seeing my Uncle suffer, it helped a little. I hope get some comfort and peace from your family during this loss.

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