In Hindsight.November 16, 2010 at 10:45 am | Posted in Infertility | 21 Comments
I shouldn’t have let myself go down the path of believing it’d work out.
I should have distanced myself more.
I shouldn’t have allowed myself to believe that my best friend and I would have babies at the same time.
I shouldn’t have pictured O as a big brother.
I shouldn’t have thought of the embryo as the name we picked for our next son.
I shouldn’t have bought into the hope that we’d never have to go to our clinic again.
I shouldn’t have decided that three fresh cycles to bring home O was enough to go through for the family we wanted.
I should have realized that bringing home a baby by using our last frozen embryo was probably too much to ask.
I shouldn’t have told the people I did, because untelling people is really fucking hard.
I should have realized that we’re just one of those couples that always ends up on the other side of the bell curve.
I shouldn’t have assumed that surgery fixed me.
I should have realized that this process is HARDER now that we have O, because I know exactly what I’m missing.
I should have remembered how much this hurts.