Depleted.

November 18, 2010 at 8:54 am | Posted in Infertility, Mythical #2 | 18 Comments

It’s funny. I think I expected things to be much, much easier this time around.

Because I did make that bargain with the universe, that I just wanted to be a mom, and if I was a mom I promise I’ll just be happy with that.

I AM a mom.

So you’d think that trying another baby would make me feel like I’m trying for icing on the cake.

Not the case.

I’m pissed off. (You know, in case you hadn’t noticed.)

It struck me last night, when J was telling me that we’d figure out a solution.

Part of the reason why I’m struggling so much right now?

I have very little emotional reserves left at the end of our busy days to handle the Suck of IF.

Before we brought home O, I could focus my time and energy on being mindful and focusing and acupuncture and using active coping skills.

And right now? I just don’t have the time – or DESIRE, if I’m being truthful – to work on coping with infertility. I’m trying to be a good mom, good wife, good friend, work a job, run a half marathon. I can’t devote the emotional reserves in managing the Infertile Serenity – I have too much else on my plate.

All I keep thinking is this: I’m just DONE with it all.

In January, it’s been 6 years since we started focusing on building a family. Yes, we got a good break in there when we brought O home. But going back to the doctor was always been in the back of my mind.

Six fucking years.

I am SO TIRED of planning. So tired of trying to figure out the “right” decision. Tired of looking at options, hoping that there’s one that might work, planning ahead for when it doesn’t.

I am emotionally depleted. Done.

And I am so ready to just walk away from it all. I think about the future with no more doctors, no more procedures, no more wandings and transfers and retrievals and medications and juggling schedules to get us where we need to be at a certain time and blood draws and sitting in traffic to get to the clinic. And every time I think of that, I feel RELIEF.

The only thing that stops me is fear. Fear that my decision to stop means that O will have to shoulder the burden of his two parents himself. Fear that he’ll always long for a sibling. Fear that I’ll feel guilty for not doing everything I could to reach the dream we wanted – a family of four.

Fear that I’ll always have this longing to add to our family, no matter how much short-term relief I feel at being done.

I KNOW that there are benefits to three. Believe me, I’ve gone over them in my head. I am nearly bought into it. I LONG for the End of Trying, more than I have words to express.

I just don’t know.

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18 Comments »

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  1. I think if you felt peace with the decision to be three, then you wouldn’t have started trying for a 2nd in the first place. I don’t believe that you can make yourself feel peae with a decision that at your core you really don’t want. You just learn to live with the pain and hope that it lessens with age.

    You do have less emotional reserve to handle this (believe me…in the same place…I know!), but you do have a few good years left in those eggs and it doesn’t have to be over yet. You can make a deal with yourself and agree to do what you can do. You have done 2 FETs with “leftover” eggs. First, each of these has a very low chance of success (esp. if you are doing one at a time). Statistically speaking, you have a 50/50 chance of having another child (if you use your own eggs) after 3-4 IVF rounds of having another child. There is also the option of trying donor eggs, which have a 60-70% success rate. Or adoption.

    I know you know all of these things….

    Maybe your heart just needs a little time to tell you what to do.

  2. I don’t have any answers for you, but I do think that right now, still experiencing this loss, is probably not the time to make the decision. I know, easier said than done, especially when infertility is all about planning and scheduling and fitting it in to an already overflowing life, but maybe giving yourself a little time and distance from the pain you are feeling right now might help you see your options and how you feel about them more clearly. I hope that you can reach a decision that truly brings you some peace.

  3. Honey, don’t worry about O. He will be fine if he doesn’t have a sibling. I firmly believe that you can’t base the decision to have another child on giving your first child a sibling. Especially since I HAD a sibling and I lost her, therefore I became an only child anyway. There are no guarantees on the sibling thing (heck, there are no guarantees that the’ll even like each other as adults… I know that sucks to think about but it’s true). But if YOU want another child, then that’s a different story. THat’s just my two cents. I agree with others though: you can’t make a decision right now in the wake of your loss. I believe you WILL make the right decision for you and your family. Big HUGS!!

  4. I started my blog to tease out all of the very same feelings you are having so I am glad you have this safe place to come to tease out yours. Time is the enemy of the infertile but it is what you must now give yourself. The answer of whether to move forward or not is not going to be heard over the din of disappointment, heart ache, and anger. Give yourself time to work through those so that you are able to sit with yourself and hear and feel the right next path. You will get there. It will present itself.

    In the meantime, sending you a hug from here to there.

  5. I so understand what you are saying when you say “I LONG for the End of Trying, more than I have words to express.” If I knew for certain my son would never question why he was an only child and never wish for a sibling, I would easily have stopped treatments after our FETs failed. If I knew I would have no regrets in 5, 10, 20 50 years from now that I didn’t try for another child, I would easily have stopped treatments.

    You may not know what the right path is right now, but I think this anger and frustration you are feeling is leading you somewhere even though it might feel like you are spinning in circles.

  6. It’s ok not to know right now.
    *hugs*

  7. Oh hun, this is such a hard place to be. Please don’t try to make the decision right now- it is all too raw still. Give yourself a couple of months to focus on all the other aspects of Serenity, and then reassess.

    Cut off dates are terrible things to have. I wanted to be DONE having my kids by 30. Instead I will be nearly 32 before (gods willing) I become a mother. Try not to mourn for the life that you planned to have (I know this is hard, as we are such planners, we two!).

    xoxox
    T.

  8. As someone said above, it is ok to not know right now. Take some time to consciously devote to “the now”. Even if it’s just a couple of weeks. Really focus on it (with your work, your child, your husband, hell even doing the dishes) and see what happens. If you get the urge to come up with a plan or strategy or answer, stop and immediately do something wonderful for someone you love at that moment. Look for joy where you once saw responsibility. As someone who uses planning and goals to cope with existing emotional turmoil, I have found the “the now” strategy allows me a break from myself and helps me reconnect with those I love. I call it the “out of my head and into your life” therapy. best of luck

  9. I think I’m in the same place you are. Wondering if I’ll regret stopping now. Wondering if Petite will be angry that she’s an only child. Wondering if I can be content with three. And like you, I just don’t know. But I’m going with my gut on this one and my gut tells me, “You’ll know when it’s time to stop.” I firmly believe that. For myself anyway. Everyone is different though. And I just wanted to let you know I understand where you’re coming from. *hugs*

  10. You will make the right decision … and I hate where you are right now. But I almost feel like it’s impossible to decide something like this from a state of grief. I agree with the other folks who’ve said that you need time for NOW right now … and for reconnecting with the people you love, so that when you’re ready to make a decision, you can do it together.

  11. I think if you feel relief when you think you’re done, you should trust that. Honor that feeling! Don’t worry about feelings of regret that haven’t even made it onto the scene yet.
    After Grace was born, I despised the thought of going back to the clinic. I hated how nervous I’d get, shaky legs in the stirrups, cold sweats, the pain. Ugh. Yuck. But I knew I’d do anything to have more children. I couldn’t see myself stopping. I never put a limit on how many ivf’s I would have done, as long as I could keep paying for them or financing them. The struggle of it was like a badge of honor for me, something I even prided myself on. I was so determined that I was willing to risk twins or triplets to get there. (Yikes). I was lucky though–I didn’t have to let that struggle play out very long.
    But still, I KNEW I’d do anything. I was at peace with that knowledge. And that’s why I tell you all that–if you feel at peace being done, then you should roll with it! Feelings like that are there for a reason!
    Plus, maybe a year from now, you’ll feel differently. Maybe in 6 months or 6 weeks you’ll feel differently, once you’ve had a chance to heal, to breathe. Maybe then you’ll feel a renewed energy, a renewed determination. Or maybe you’ll just feel content with exactly where you are, and what a wonderful feeling that will be!
    I know you feel like time is of the essence, but really, there is time! Advanced maternal age or not, allow yourself to breathe. There’s time.
    Enjoy Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. Then re-evaluate.
    Hugs!
    PS Thanks for always being so honest in your posts. And for allowing us to peek in to your life, the good and the struggles.

  12. You don’t have to know the answer now, you just need to be able to be at peace with whatever decision you make. Give it time – it will come to you.

  13. I think you captured it perfectly here, and why I always nodded when Smarshy would say that IF when you have kids is now just a different bag of ass. Your day is no longer about you. It’s about everyone else who needs you and you don’t have that space to cry, to hug yourself.

    I am so sorry, Serenity. I wish there were easy answers.

  14. I think you should not let fear guide this decision. O will be happy with whatever makes you happy. As a wise friend keeps telling me, this is a parent decision. O will have a wonderful life and a fantastic support system of friends and family either way.

    That said, I agree with the others that you are still dealing with your loss, and now is not the time to make a decision. Absolutely let the thoughts dance around in the back of your mind to try to figure out what is right for you. But give yourself some room to grieve before you make a firm decision. I think in time you will know what is right for you. In the meantime, please don’t be hard on yourself for not knowing right away.

  15. When we finally realized that we needed fertility treatments to give M a sibling–I was 34. And so I remember being at that place. Its a dark place, and with your loss its no wonder that you feel like this. I agree with others here–not the best time to make a decision concerning whether to go on or not. Let yourself breathe and grieve and be angry. And then–re-assess. (Perhaps the holidays are especially not a good time to deal with this issue–maybe better to try and deal with this in the coming year)

    Wishing you all the best, hon. And know, that no matter what–you ARE a great mother to your son.

  16. I think it’s going to take a fair bit of time to come to a decision. You’re right, though – time is what you don’t have at the end of the day when you just want to roll into bed. So decisions won’t be happening at the same rate as last time. If you can grab any time off over the next couple of months to put into it, I’m sure you could use it. Otherwise, you’ll muddle through.

    Sorry, I don’t know either.

    Bea

  17. There is no need to make a final decision now. I know I found the cycles for a sibling much harder to deal with than the first cycle was as I just didn’t have as much time in my life. The way I dealt with it was to stop being so involved in the detail of the cycles and worrying about acupuncture and diet etc. I just did the bare minimum and that helped me get through.

    It is a horrible place to be and I hope you can resolve things for yourself with as little pain as possible.

  18. I am here late and have nothing really to say…mostly because you needs to make this decision and if you’re depleted now, then you stop…at least for now, until you’re strong enough to try again…IF you want to.

    I just wanted you to know that I love ya.


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