Affirming Life.

November 21, 2010 at 11:12 pm | Posted in Mythical #2 | 16 Comments

Friday was a veritable SHIT STORM.

My aunt. Well. I am existing in a state of denial. Because it really hurts too much to think about. I can’t even fathom attending her wake, funeral. I can’t think about it.

Also?

Friday afternoon my BFF J called me, in tears. There was no heartbeat at her 8w ultrasound.

Also Friday night, my friend Heather texted me. Her husband was laid off. Both of them are out of work at the moment.

Seriously, when I went to bed Friday night, my head was spinning. Part of me couldn’t actually BELIEVE everything could come crashing down on the people I loved in one day. I felt a little like I was on Punk’d or Candid Camera. Or in a case study for how people handle stress.

(If you care to know, I go into eldest child-mom-business-mode. I make plans and coordinate stuff. I make it so my brother, sister in law, and niece come to visit. I do laundry and vacuum. I clean bathrooms. I multitask huge stressors okay, apparently.)

When I woke up on Saturday morning, there was no buzzing in my head, no thoughts at all. I think my mind just SHUT DOWN. And as I did a 6 mile run with my running buddy, two things dawned on me.

1. I do not really WANT to run another half marathon in February. I could use a break from racing, and I expected to have one. The planning for another half is merely me trying to right my world from the chemical pregnancy. I really want to learn how to enjoy running without feeling pressure to go further or run harder.

2. Aunt Judy’s death had an unexpected benefit. My brother, whom I haven’t seen in more than a year, is currently at my house to say for the week. We’re planning a family Thanksgiving – the first in more than three years – in New Jersey on Thursday.

And it’s taken the death of one of my favorite people to realize just how much my family MEANS to me.

And how much I want that for O. I shudder when I think of a situation like Thursday’s, except with ME. My cousin at least had his brothers to rely on as they waited for my uncle to get home.

I want that for O. I don’t want him to shoulder the burden of caring for his parents on his own.

No matter how much I hate the idea, how much I long to be done with doctors…

I can’t stop right now. Not like this.

Maybe we’re not meant to have another baby, and another IVF failure be the end.

I don’t know.

But I can’t stop without knowing that I’ve done everything I can to make sure that O has a sibling.

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16 Comments »

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  1. Wow. What a day. My heart breaks for those around you at the moment. Hope your multitasking was just what was needed – often it’s good to have someone take care of business in times like these.

    And I’m glad you’ve come to a decision. To have it hang over your head is hard.

    Bea

  2. I am so sorry all this is happening to you at once. I am glad it’s clarified some things for you, though.

  3. I’m sorry again about your aunt. And the miscarriage.

    I’m glad, though, that one of your favorite people, even in her death, could do something great for you and bring to light some things about your family, and about your hopes for O. Good luck.

  4. The honesty with which you write about your internal struggles is such a gift to us, Serenity. I’m so sorry about your aunt, but I’m glad that it has gotten you thinking about the importance of affirming life, and glad, too, that you’ve reminded *us* about it. I think you’re right to just run right now … and enjoy running, remember being in your body. I also think you’re probably being most true to yourself when you talk about wanting to give O. another sibling. But all of that can wait until the shit storm subsides. Thinking of you, and of all of your friends and loved ones.

  5. My condolences to your family. Sometimes these crisis force a point of view that we would never have had. Epiphanies are made, decisions are decided. I’m glad that you have found a clearer path for your route in regards to #2.
    I’m glad that J has a friend like you to help her through this incredibly rough time.
    There is ZERO pressure for you to run another half marathon. There is simply no need to if you don’t want too. I have my own personal reasons for wanting to, it was just a bonus that you said you would. Seriously.

  6. I am sorry life is throwing so much at you and your loved ones at the moment. Praying that things will ease up and that a lot of nice things is just around the corner. Hope it helps just a little bit that a stranger is thinking of you!

  7. I am sorry for all the shit your loved ones have been thrown, but I am glad it has made things clearer for you regarding trying to have sibling for O. Family is really important and I am sorry Boo will never have any siblings.

  8. Sorry for all these things happening. This year just seems to be a shitty year. However, I guess crisis mode does bring about clarity of mind. Abiding with you.

  9. I am sorry that all these things are happening at once. It is a lot to cope with.

    I’m glad you’ve decided against running the half in February- you sounded burnt out in some of your running posts- like you weren’t enjoying it the same way. I think some time off from competition is a great idea.

    And I’m excited that you’re embracing the deep unknown once more. You know I will have EVERYTHING crossed for you.

    Many hugs.
    T.

  10. Things have been going on that made me feel like maybe we should only have one child…but I’ve been really torn about it because I WANT another child. This is so true. I want for Katherine what I had as a child with my sister and cousins and family.

    Damn. This is horrible. I’m so sorry. I will be keeping them all in my thoughts. They are lucky to have you to lean on. I will keep you in my thoughts too. Remember to take care of yourself when you are trying to take care of them all too.

    I’m glad you are and your brother are having Thanksgiving together.

  11. you know sometimes the stormy clouds are the ones that eventually clear the air, unstifle the fog….

    While I am sorry that all of this happened at once, that you are dealing with so many things in your heart….I am grateful for those soaking rains that help us get to other “clearer” side.

    No matter what happens, I’m here xo

  12. I am so very sorry for your loss–and all the blows that have been thrown at you recently. Hoping the skies clear soon–thinking of you..

  13. I’m so sorry to hear about your BFF J. And so much bad news in such a short amount of time for you, seriously, WTF?! But, I’m glad to hear there are some good things coming out of this series of awful events.

  14. My condolences. It really hits hard when so much is happening at once. I hope you’ll find the strength you need to get through it all without too many battle scars.

    Just wanted to share with you this little tid-bit… My Mom asked me given my current situation in life why we tried for another child. I looked at her, dead serious, and said, “She’s for Jim.”. I felt I HAD to try just one more time, for his sake. I had to know I did all I could to give him a sibling.

    Once my generation is gone he won’t have ANY family other than his cousin in Idaho. We are in GA. Not too likely they’ll be close, huh?

    Anyway, thought you’d like to know that feeling this way sounds just about right to me. I’ve lived it.

  15. I’m sorry for everything that is going on for you right now. But glad that you found some clarity about whether or not to proceed with treatments. Hoping things turn around.

  16. Here from Mel’s roundup…Oh hon, I am so sorry for your loss, the loss of your friend’s baby, and the job loss. That’s a whole lot of crap to have to deal with.

    I hope and pray the decision all this heartbreak brought you to is the first step on a wonderful journey.


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