Rising from the Ashes.

November 26, 2010 at 12:06 pm | Posted in Heartbreak, IVF #4, My life, Mythical #2 | 10 Comments

We’re back from New Jersey and all the wake/funeral hoopla. It was a tight ride down – we crammed all of my brother and SIL’s gear into J’s new Pilot. With all of us, two kids, and a ton of luggage it was a bit of a rough ride down.

Rougher still was the call with my mom, who informed me that they were at the emergency room because my dad was in a lot of pain and the doctor at the urgent care thought “it might be an aneurysm.”

I’m not kidding when I tell you that the next half hour in the car after that call was the worst of my life.

My dad is okay. They never found the source of the pain, though ultimately the doctor thought it was some weird sort of virus. All his tests came back clear, though, and by yesterday he was feeling a LOT better.

Thank goodness.

My brother and SIL got home without their van – it was totalled. But that worked out, too – they are getting MORE than what they paid for the van last year because they bought it used, cheap, from someone.

I confess I’m not dealing well with my aunt’s death. I’m just not good at grieving. But I’m muddling through, and I got to tell a lot of people in my family how much I love them. And I’m going to keep calling my uncle, and sending him cards, and visiting with him. I’m going to help as much as I can. Because he lost so much more than I did.

The one thing that this whole crap month has done for me is make me realize that family is really, really important.

And it’s given J and I a laser focus on what we want for OUR family.

We don’t want to end right now. We really want a family of four.

So I go for a beta draw tomorrow morning to make certain my levels are at zero. And we meet with Dr. HIT for a follow up on December 7. And we go from there.

And I no longer dread a fresh cycle. I am actually longing for some LIFE to come out of all this death. I want to have hope again, to feel like we’re ADDING to our lives instead of mourning what was taken away. I want to feel like something good comes from all this loss, that hope will rise up from the ashes and take us into the new year with something GOOD to look forward to.

So. Steps forward, it is.



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  1. go Serenity! go!

  2. Well then if the grief, pain and angst from the past few weeks have shown you anything, it’s helped shed some light on what you REALLY want, deep down, for yourself and your own life. There’s some silver lining there. I just wish you hadn’t suffered so much to find it. *hugs* Wishing you good luck with the blood draw and hoping that 2011 brings hope anew.

  3. Hugs. I will be here, reading, for the blood draw, the follow-up, and all the steps along the way next year.

  4. I am so happy to hear your dad is feeling better! I hope it is the start of more good things for you and your family.

  5. I’m sorry it took all this tragedy for you to get to where you are now, but I’m glad you’re feeling less tortured about what to do next with the fresh cycle. Let’s hope things get better for you and your family.

  6. So glad your dad is OK and that the accident wasn’t worse than it could have been. Amazing how loss makes you focus on life … and I’m also glad that you’re feeling clarity, despite all of this hell. We’ll be here, as you take this one step at a time, forward. *hug*

  7. I am sorry you had deal with all that to learn what you really wanted. I will be by your side for each of your steps.

  8. You’ve had a pretty intense… what has it been? A couple of weeks? Less, but it seems like an eternity? Anyway, it makes me glad to hear the strength in your closing paragraph. Will be waiting to hear what happens at the next appointment.


  9. You have been having such a torrid time lately and it must be very hard to deal with all theses blows at once but I am glad to see you have come to a decision about the next steps.

  10. been thinking of you so much. I can’t say that “I’m so sorry” enough.
    HUGS my dear friend.

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