Bittersweet.

November 30, 2010 at 6:00 am | Posted in Heartbreak, milestones, motherhood, My life | 10 Comments

Clearly, I’m still reeling from the avalanche of Suck in the past few weeks.

I’m really NOT very good at coping with grief. Either I use denial to get through it, or I wallow in pain. There’s no real balance.

And by damn, I HATE wallowing. Feeling so shitty, depressed, down, bleak. Meh.

But, I mean, who really LIKES grieving?

Really I just need to ride this out. And focus on the things I DO have in my life.

Like O, for example.

I have to tell you, he’s awesome.

Whenever he, J, and I are in a car together, he makes us sing the Alphabet Song and Take Me Out to the Ballgame.

Over and over and over and over and over and over.

He’s taken to wanting to TAKE pictures, so we gave him my old digital camera. I promise to share with you some of the pictures he takes – some of them are great, actually. And it’s sort of neat to see the world from his perspective, too.

First thing in the morning I hear is always this. Mommy, is that you?

He does NOT want to get out of his pajamas EVER, and usually it takes some serious cajoling on our parts to get him dressed. Though now that he’s in preschool (and LOVES his room), all we have to do is dangle the carrot of seeing “Miss K” and his friends at school, and he quickly sheds his clothes in order to get dressed.

When we were in NJ for the funeral and wakes, my big boy slept in his own double bed, the whole night, BOTH nights. He did great, and really loved his bed.

We were planning on transitioning him to a twin bed for his third birthday, but I’m rethinking that – perhaps we get him a twin this winter, since he seems to be ready.

I also broke down and got him this toy trumpet for his Christmas present.

Mostly because he currently uses straws, spoons, spatulas, and even a rolling pin as a “trumpet” in his pretend marching band. It’s cute, but I’d rather him have his own toy that he can use in his marching band.

Because he drools over all my cooking utensils.

(And pssst. His grandmother is getting him a toy drum and cymbals for Christmas, too. Soon we’ll be a real marching band!)

He also insists on talking to whomever we’re talking to on the phone. The other day, when he was talking to my mother, I heard her ask, Can you put your Mommy back on the phone?

He said, No, Grammy. I talking to you. Not Mommy.

It’s such a bittersweet time for me – the pain of losing my aunt and fledgling pregnancy entwined with the thankfulness of having my O… tangled with this nebulous fear of the future.

Because someday O will be forced to confront living a life without someone he loves.

And that thought makes me unspeakably sad; that my gorgeous, empathetic, sweet son’s heart will be crushed some day.

I want to protect him from it.

But yeah. Like you’ve all said… Death is a part of life, and I HAVE been changed forever for having known and loved my aunt.

Still, though. It hurts.

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10 Comments »

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  1. I can’t believe how much has happened to you in the past few weeks. I am so sorry for everything. I am so glad that you have your little man to make you day a little sweeter. I so understand how you feel. There were days in my past 2 years that the only thing holding me together was the fact that I knew I had to take care of Lyla, that she needed me… that no matter what she loves me. HUGS my friend, hoping for better days for you soon!

  2. All this and the holidays too. Santa really needs to be extra nice to you and your family this year! 🙂 [hugs]

  3. My son wants the same trumpet! In fact, Back to Basics (Scholastic) has the trumpet, a sax, and a clarinet so he really could be a one piece band.

    Continue to acknowledge the pain. It is painful to lose someone we love. Just try not to let yourself hang out with it for too long. It can be so debilitating. And, your aunt would not want that for you.

  4. The only advice I can give, and I know things suck right now, is to do two things. Let yourself cry when you need to. It helps. A lot. But also, find joy in O. He is one big ball of awesomeness, and if you are feeling really bad? Take him, well rested and happy – to do something fun. For Cam, it was the discovry museum in Acton. The look of joy on his face as he put the balls in the track? Or played with the big kitchen they had there? Sure, I would miss Nora or be sad about all the shit I’ve put up with… but watching the JOY in my sons face made me realize that I needed to live in the now and realize just how wonderful my life is, even without Nora in it. And from what you’ve posted about your Aunt, I’m sure that is what she’d want you to be doing too. It’s normal and fine to miss her and cry for her – but keep seeing the joy in life and treasuring what you have.

    A quote that helped me was ‘without great love there is no great loss’. I’d rather have to deal with some loss than live a life without love.

    Hang in there. The loss won’t go away, but the sharpness of the pain will dull over time. I can promise you that. It does get bearable.

  5. of course it hurts, and it should. I sometimes think that having the boys lessens things for me…makes things bittersweet for me too..because it’s sad but seeing them in my life, in my house, hearing them call me mommy is all the stuff I need to be ok..for them, for me.

    thinking of you…

  6. You have truly been dealt a shit hand the past little while. Jeez, that’s a lot to cope with. I must say though that you do sound like you’re slowly, gradually, working through it in a healthy and normal way. I hope you continue to make progress and eventually feel a little peace in your heart. I wish you all the best.

  7. Thank goodness for O! Sometimes I think that’s what kids are there for, to make us forget whatever else is going on (either because they’re wonderful, or because they’re so time-consuming). He sounds like such a cutie, and I’m glad he is helping you through this. Please do post his pictures!

    And I feel bad that I haven’t been commenting lately – problems with my work computer. 😦

  8. You seem to be doing really well. Very much as well as anyone could expect. I’m glad O is bringing you such joy.

    Bea

  9. Hugs. I’m glad you can find joy in O. I hope you’re able to find some peace and joy over the holiday season. And with any luck, you’ll turn out to have genetics like the queen mum, and O will be practically in his dotage before you shuffle off this mortal coil.

    (Also, it makes me happy that you use ‘whom’. That’s just the teacher nerd in me.)

  10. You really have had a terrible few weeks. I’m sorry. I’m glad O. can help you swim back up toward happiness.

    I. & N. started sleeping SO much soundly once they were in their twin beds. It’s been a really good change!


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