Dealing with Grief.December 8, 2010 at 10:33 am | Posted in Heartbreak, My life | 4 Comments
So lest you all think that I’m private enough that I don’t talk about ANYTHING with J.
I’m not. We’ve had many conversations about Judy, about our chemical pregnancy. I’ve cried multiple times, he’s hugged me many times, he knows just how much this all hurts me.
He also knows that this place is my space to vent. And when I asked him yesterday if he reads, he showed me the app on his iPhone which links directly to my blog. And told me that he usually reads once a week, and it’s good for him to know where I am in my head.
I truly am really lucky to have someone like him. He’s respectful and kind and caring and loving. He’s made me a better person.
So don’t worry. He knows where I’m at, even if I don’t fall apart in his arms and break down as often as I might feel like I want to.
It’s more about how we deal with grief differently, of which we’ve had many conversations. Somehow, he comes to a place of acceptance a lot quicker than I do. He’s sad, but he accepts it.
I am struggling with accepting Judy’s death.
Last night, I dreamt that it was summer on Cape Cod. I was driving, and looked over to see Judy in the passenger seat.
Whenever I dream about one of my dead relatives – mostly my cousin Amy – I’m always sad that I have to inform them that they are, you know, dead.
So when I looked over at Judy, I said, you’re dead. Why are you here?
And she answered, I am not ready to give up our summer vacation on the Cape.
Truth is, I am not ready to give her up. I’m not willing to accept the fact that she’s gone. And that’s what I’m wrestling with.
And J knows that it’s nothing he can affect – he can’t talk me into acceptance. He knows he needs to give me space and time, and work my way into it on my own.
So yeah. I’m super, super lucky.