Dealing with Grief.

December 8, 2010 at 10:33 am | Posted in Heartbreak, My life | 4 Comments

So lest you all think that I’m private enough that I don’t talk about ANYTHING with J.

I’m not. We’ve had many conversations about Judy, about our chemical pregnancy. I’ve cried multiple times, he’s hugged me many times, he knows just how much this all hurts me.

He also knows that this place is my space to vent. And when I asked him yesterday if he reads, he showed me the app on his iPhone which links directly to my blog. And told me that he usually reads once a week, and it’s good for him to know where I am in my head.

I truly am really lucky to have someone like him. He’s respectful and kind and caring and loving. He’s made me a better person.

So don’t worry. He knows where I’m at, even if I don’t fall apart in his arms and break down as often as I might feel like I want to.

It’s more about how we deal with grief differently, of which we’ve had many conversations. Somehow, he comes to a place of acceptance a lot quicker than I do. He’s sad, but he accepts it.

I am struggling with accepting Judy’s death.

Last night, I dreamt that it was summer on Cape Cod. I was driving, and looked over to see Judy in the passenger seat.

Whenever I dream about one of my dead relatives – mostly my cousin Amy – I’m always sad that I have to inform them that they are, you know, dead.

So when I looked over at Judy, I said, you’re dead. Why are you here?

And she answered, I am not ready to give up our summer vacation on the Cape.

Truth is, I am not ready to give her up. I’m not willing to accept the fact that she’s gone. And that’s what I’m wrestling with.

And J knows that it’s nothing he can affect – he can’t talk me into acceptance. He knows he needs to give me space and time, and work my way into it on my own.

So yeah. I’m super, super lucky.

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4 Comments »

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  1. Acceptance is rough. I’m sure everyone is on their own schedule, but I think it might take a couple of holidays/annual rituals without your loved one before it really sinks in that he/she is gone. There will always be a hole in your heart…but this is because she meant so much and was so important to you.

    And, how sweet of your hubby to give you space to grieve, feel, etc.

  2. I’m so sorry about your loss. You DH does sound fabulous (of course he is!). I have dreams about the important women who’ve passed in my family all the time. They mean so much to me and I often feel like they are watching out for me. Maybe you can think of it that way, that she’s now keeping an eye on you from heaven. I’ll admit to having private conversations with my grandmother or great-grandmother when I’m stressed. Hopefully that doesn’t sound crazy. I was lucky enough to have my great-grandmother in my life until I was 23 years old.

  3. You are super, super lucky. J sounds wonderful. We all deal with grief in our own way and at our own pace. And if and when you are ready to fall apart at least you know you have J there for you. I have times when I think I have accepted that Max has gone and then other days like today where I just can’t believe he has gone. I see him and feel him around me so strongly, I don’t want to believe it.

  4. What a dream. What a great answer.

    I’m sure you know how to keep the communication lines open. There are a number of ways of doing these things and you guys have a system sorted. Help each other out.

    Bea


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