Spreadsheets and hope.

December 17, 2010 at 10:18 am | Posted in Infertility, IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this? | 12 Comments

I’m going to put this all out there, for those of you who didn’t know before now:

I am a geek.

Okay. You’ve been warned.

So back when we were trying to get pregnant with O, I had a IVF spreadsheet which I had obtained from a fellow geek blogger.

It had a TON of data: my protocol, the dates and dosages in which I was taking my meds, my E2 results from bloodwork, retrieval day information, transfer day information, when I’d likely get a reliable HPT result, median beta results for days from 10dpo through 21 dpo, then forecasted out when my due date would be and all pregnancy related milestones.

When I was pregnant with O, I was actually pretty religious at documenting the facts of those milestones. I documented when I first heard the heartbeat with the doppler at my OB’s office. When I started feeling movement, beta results, fetal heart rates, etc.

But somewhere along the way, I lost where I put it. I might have left it on my work computer back before I left my old firm, but never saved it.

So when we figured we were going to have to do another fresh cycle, I searched for it, but couldn’t find it.

The thought struck me yesterday – I remember emailing my spreadsheet to someone later on in my pregnancy.

And I FOUND it.

See, when I go back and look at my blog from when I was pregnant, I remember more the fear moreso than anything.

I was so scared when I was pregnant.

But yesterday, looking at the milestones I had recorded, knowing how we ended with a healthy little boy…

… well, it was exactly what I needed.

Because when I look ahead to a cycle, all I see is frustration, and, well, bitterness. Because I am tired of having to deal with infertility. Because the scheduling involved with fertility treatments, where it was a pain in the ass before, involves a HUGE amount of work now in juggling daycare and work and commuting into the clinic, etc. I really wanted it to be EASIER this time around, and well, that’s not happening.

I’ve been so focused on all of that, that I forget that this cycle gives us hope. That maybe in a month or so, I might get to document good beta results. And then an ultrasound where there is a measurable, discernable heartbeat. And when I feel movement, and the results of the anatomy scan.

And so I copied that spreadsheet, and pasted it into a new worksheet of its own. And named it IVF #4. And then I plugged in all the dates I know already based on my discussion with my clinic.

And I scrolled down to check that the sheet correctly flowed the dates through to the end.

And I saw the estimate of my due date would be in October, but that if history repeated and mythical #2 came early, we’d have a September birthday instead.

I’m not sure why. But seeing it there, in front of me, imbued me with this sense of hope.

Maybe, just maybe, this will work, and I’ll get to fill out a spreadsheet for another child, too.

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12 Comments »

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  1. I love the idea of a spreadsheet. I wish I had done that! I am glad the spreadsheet gave you that bit of hope that you have been lacking this cycle. Here’s hoping that you have many dates and milestones to put into this one!

  2. I love it that you had a spreadsheet for O and have started another one for IVF#4. I love it that seeing the dates all flow out like that give you hope!

  3. Oh, Serenity. I am so excited for you! I truly hope that this spreadsheet results in a sibling for O. 🙂 (And you aren’t THAT much of a nerd. I do stuff like that, too. I have a very well-organized binder of every record from every doctor regarding our IF journey.)

  4. Your spreadsheet is fancy! I just have a word document and I didn’t start that till after pg was confirmed (though….I have charts for even the IVF cycles on FF) and a couple folders full of test results and appointment records. 🙂

    It can turn out. I’m not sure I can say that you can always be un-scared. I thought this time I could be because it went relatively well with Ethan (one go at bleeding does not a bad pregnancy make in the scope of things, after all) but after the bleeding twice and then the cramping and bedrest that wasn’t really bedrest that’s now pelvic rest….I just….have not made it to not scared. I haven’t made it to not wishing the pregnancy over so the kid could just BE HERE and BE OKAY if it’s going to happen, but in the end, I figure it’s a very short and insignificant period of time compared to the life of your child. That said, it does make me a little sad, too.

    It can happen, even if you think it can’t. Ethan is proof of that. I thought he would die until the minute he came out screaming.

  5. For some reason, reading this gave me chills today. Hoping right along with you.

  6. I have felt similarly about our journey through adoption. I’ve focused on the negative aspects, the what could go wrongs, my disdain for the process, but when I allow myself to consider having a newborn in the house, a sibling for our son, and a complete family of four, the only way to describe the feeling I have is content. So, I try to focus on that now and try to believe that the rest will sort itself out.

  7. I don’t have a spreadsheet, but sometimes I wish I did. When my f/s graduated me, he gave me a whole sheaf of papers to give to my midwife. I did give them to the midwife…but only after I photocopied them all first! I think when we are finally done at our clinic I will ask for a photocopy of our records, just to have that permanency. But I do like the idea of tracking a specific pregnancy.

    I have a good feeling about this. Your clinic has learned things since you were last cycling. And they know more about what works for you after your previous cycles.

    I know you are probably not ready to hope, but I will do that for you (as you did for me).
    xoxoxo

  8. I am hoping you will continue filling in that spreadsheet.

  9. Hoping, hoping, hoping for you.

  10. I love this idea of you doing the spreadsheet, because for you I know it’s your way of being COMMITTED to the cycle..fear and all.

    I of course, am hoping and praying, calling the angels and doing what it is that I do when I am in a middle of something life changing.

    I am HOLDING THE HOPE my friend. 🙂

  11. You really are a geek 🙂 That’s ok – I like geeks. Geeks are cool.

    I am hoping you fill out that spreadsheet, too.

    Bea

  12. I had a spreadsheet when TTC, but I didn’t do anything during the pregnancy. It sounds really cool and I wish I had done something to acknowledge when morning sickness started or when it stopped, when I felt kicks or Braxton Hicks. I kind of walked through that pregnancy believing it, but not too much so I think that is why I didn’t record much. I wish I had!

    Hoping that you get to fill it out again…and if I ever get the chance I might want to look at yours!


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