The Quiet Place.December 20, 2010 at 11:13 am | Posted in Infertility, IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this? | 9 Comments
On the way to a family Christmas party this weekend, J took a detour and drove me past a house where, he proudly declared, lived the first in-vitro baby in the United States.
Elizabeth Carr is her name, if you want to know.
And when we GOT to the party, he told someone that he drove me past her house, and I heard then talk about the fact that Elizabeth Carr now has a baby of her own, too.
I stopped listening, but there was further discussion, so it’s possible that Elizabeth Carr needed in vitro to conceive, too.
I didn’t want to hear it when he came back over to relay the information.
And I told him so – shut him down before he even got to SAY anything.
I don’t want to talk about IVF.
I don’t want to even MENTION it to people for fear that I’ll have to talk about the fact that we’re cycling again.
I don’t want to talk about it to the people who actually DO know that we’re cycling again soon.
I don’t want to talk about it with J, who knows how hard this is on the both of us.
I don’t know what to say when someone asks me if we plan on having more kids. I’ve been asked that lately by three different people, and every time I haven’t managed to formulate an answer.
And I end up looking like an asshole who either doesn’t WANT kids…
… or making the person who asked feel like an asshole because they sense that under my non-answer, there’s a massive iceberg underneath which they don’t want to hit.
I don’t want to think about it, either.
I don’t want to figure out how I’m going to store my lupron and sharps container during our trip to Florida so that I don’t have to fucking talk about it to anyone.
I don’t want to think about the hope or fear or anger that I have to do this cycle in the first place.
So I stay quiet.
And hope that ignoring it will make it so that I don’t get sucked back into the black hole of infertility.