The Quiet Place.

December 20, 2010 at 11:13 am | Posted in Infertility, IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this? | 9 Comments

On the way to a family Christmas party this weekend, J took a detour and drove me past a house where, he proudly declared, lived the first in-vitro baby in the United States.

Elizabeth Carr is her name, if you want to know.

And when we GOT to the party, he told someone that he drove me past her house, and I heard then talk about the fact that Elizabeth Carr now has a baby of her own, too.

I stopped listening, but there was further discussion, so it’s possible that Elizabeth Carr needed in vitro to conceive, too.

I didn’t want to hear it when he came back over to relay the information.

And I told him so – shut him down before he even got to SAY anything.

I don’t want to talk about IVF.

I don’t want to even MENTION it to people for fear that I’ll have to talk about the fact that we’re cycling again.

I don’t want to talk about it to the people who actually DO know that we’re cycling again soon.

I don’t want to talk about it with J, who knows how hard this is on the both of us.

I don’t know what to say when someone asks me if we plan on having more kids. I’ve been asked that lately by three different people, and every time I haven’t managed to formulate an answer.

And I end up looking like an asshole who either doesn’t WANT kids…

… or making the person who asked feel like an asshole because they sense that under my non-answer, there’s a massive iceberg underneath which they don’t want to hit.

I don’t want to think about it, either.

I don’t want to figure out how I’m going to store my lupron and sharps container during our trip to Florida so that I don’t have to fucking talk about it to anyone.

I don’t want to think about the hope or fear or anger that I have to do this cycle in the first place.

So I stay quiet.

And hope that ignoring it will make it so that I don’t get sucked back into the black hole of infertility.

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9 Comments »

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  1. It’s such a hard place to be…doing again what you hate so much in the world. Just think about O and all the joy he brings you. The ends justify the means. As for nasty people asking seemingly innocent questions….just tell them that you might in a few years…to avoid the awkwardness and to buy yourself some time. Maybe after O goes to school? Just say that daycare is expensive.

  2. This just sucks. I found it useful to say “you can’t always get what you want” when people asked that question, and left it at that. It made them think. Not that we need to be IF educators on top of all of the unfairness and emotional havoc, but if we *can* find it in ourselves to help people think twice about the assumptions they make, perhaps this world will be a little less hurtful a place to live in sometimes.

    *hugs* to you … I hope that this is the last time, and that you don’t have to answer this question ever again.

  3. I think Justine’s right – some sort of general answer that makes them think is best (if you’re up for it). I usually answer “at some point” or “eventually” when people ask if we want another one. Or sometimes I say, “we would LIKE one, yeah” and let them think about the rest. I have not been through nearly the crap you have, but I’ve been through enough to know one does not *plan* for babies, one *hopes* for them.
    With J, though, you should probably just tell him you don’t want to talk about it (although I think you know that).
    Good luck to you!!

  4. I hope you get the peaceful holiday you’re wishing for without all of the questions.

  5. I hear ya. And I hope you are able to keep to your quiet place amid all the holiday gatherings.

  6. I just hope that in that silent quiet place you find yourself…ready to try again. It’s ok to be where you are, there will be plenty of time to let us hear your voice when you’re ready.

  7. I get that. The need to just be quiet and keep things to yourself and not talk about that which pains you. I totally get it.

  8. I definitely understand where you’re coming from. We didn’t talk about it much either. Beyond the decision to go through with it, that is. It somehow seemed easier to ignore the weight of it all and just focus on the mechanics. It helped me that I didn’t even know what to hope for at every step. After all, we want a take-home baby … but that doesn’t translate to a particular egg count, or E2 level, etc. My assvice is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. After all, your ovaries don’t care if you went into this cycle kicking and screaming 🙂

  9. I know that place! Where you’ve just got yourself into a certain headspace and you really just need to rest there for a bit and you don’t want anyone disturbing it, triggering those thoughts that will get you sucked into a black hole. I hope you get your quiet time.

    Bea


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