Better.January 4, 2011 at 10:59 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak, Infertility, IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this? | 11 Comments
Thanks for the support and comments on my last post. I was really torn with actually publishing it, because I don’t feel that way ALL the time.
And GAWD do I do a LOT of whining about things here, you know?
But after a weekend where I lost it with J multiple times, well, I needed to get it out.
Even just writing it made me feel better, like I lanced a boil.
I think what I’m struggling with is grieving in bits and pieces. I have a family for whom I need to be responsible; I can’t stay in bed for days and cry.
I have only a few moments a day to myself, and that’s when I try and WORK on getting to a better place of acceptance. And every time I go there, I feel stuck.
And I AM angry that we need to do another IVF cycle, really angry.
It’s somehow different now – when I was trying for O, I would have walked through hell and back just to be a mom. Gladly. And when he was born, I thought hell yeah, it was worth every moment of it.
Now? I’m just so freaking bitter that I have to do this. Again.
So I’m in an Angry Place. And having trouble working through it.
One of the biggest reasons why?
I haven’t been regularly running. That really is one of my major coping mechanisms; it gives me my Zen and helps me find my balance.
I’ve been using the excuse that it’s dark and cold – you know, which it IS – but I just really haven’t had the motivation.
But I wasn’t kidding when I told you all that I put on 10lbs over the holidays. I nearly fell over when I saw the number on the scale.
Scared me enough to get back on the wagon, for certain.
Because I have ALWAYS gained weight with my fresh cycles. And the idea of STARTING stims with 10 extra pounds of weight on me freaks me out.
Within a month I have a chance of negating all the hard work I put into losing all that damn weight last year.
NOT going to do that.
So yesterday I swam for a half hour at my gym’s pool. And this morning, I went out for a 4 mile run.
Not surprisingly, I feel a LOT better already.
So anyway. In cycle news, I finished my last pill this weekend and am just waiting on AF, who seems to be threatening right now. I need to have her by Thursday afternoon in order to avoid bloodwork on Friday morning, so I am really hoping that she comes very soon.
And on Saturday, we start stims.
Which means that we’re moving forward.
And that’s something, for certain.