January 4, 2011 at 10:59 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak, Infertility, IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this? | 11 Comments

Thanks for the support and comments on my last post. I was really torn with actually publishing it, because I don’t feel that way ALL the time.

And GAWD do I do a LOT of whining about things here, you know?

But after a weekend where I lost it with J multiple times, well, I needed to get it out.

Even just writing it made me feel better, like I lanced a boil.

I think what I’m struggling with is grieving in bits and pieces. I have a family for whom I need to be responsible; I can’t stay in bed for days and cry.

I have only a few moments a day to myself, and that’s when I try and WORK on getting to a better place of acceptance. And every time I go there, I feel stuck.

And I AM angry that we need to do another IVF cycle, really angry.

It’s somehow different now – when I was trying for O, I would have walked through hell and back just to be a mom. Gladly. And when he was born, I thought hell yeah, it was worth every moment of it.

Now? I’m just so freaking bitter that I have to do this. Again.

So I’m in an Angry Place. And having trouble working through it.

One of the biggest reasons why?

I haven’t been regularly running. That really is one of my major coping mechanisms; it gives me my Zen and helps me find my balance.

I’ve been using the excuse that it’s dark and cold – you know, which it IS – but I just really haven’t had the motivation.

But I wasn’t kidding when I told you all that I put on 10lbs over the holidays. I nearly fell over when I saw the number on the scale.

Scared me enough to get back on the wagon, for certain.

Because I have ALWAYS gained weight with my fresh cycles. And the idea of STARTING stims with 10 extra pounds of weight on me freaks me out.

Within a month I have a chance of negating all the hard work I put into losing all that damn weight last year.

NOT going to do that.

So yesterday I swam for a half hour at my gym’s pool. And this morning, I went out for a 4 mile run.

Not surprisingly, I feel a LOT better already.

So anyway. In cycle news, I finished my last pill this weekend and am just waiting on AF, who seems to be threatening right now. I need to have her by Thursday afternoon in order to avoid bloodwork on Friday morning, so I am really hoping that she comes very soon.

And on Saturday, we start stims.

Which means that we’re moving forward.

And that’s something, for certain.



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  1. You know what I like about blogging? Nobody really thinks you’re being a whiner when you complain a lot. I know I complain a lot more on my blog than in person – I’m actually pretty upbeat and optimistic. It’s just so nice to know people will listen and give their support. So I’m glad this can be that place for you, and also glad to hear you don’t really feel this way all the time. I’m really glad you’ve figured out what will make you feel better, too.

  2. I’m so glad you are feeling better. It is good to get all the bad stuff out on paper, and out of your head a bit, imho.

  3. I’m in an angry place, too. Venting and blogging helps, but I do hope we are both able to work through our anger soon. I know I hate feeling this way. Good luck starting stims on Saturday. I’m cheering for you.


  4. Ah. Yes, running is sort of like therapy … when I can’t do it, I feel all “blocked up,” too. And the weird thing is that I don’t even run that far … it’s just getting my blood moving and oxygen into my lungs. Good luck with Saturday … and hang in there. We will all cheer you on, however you need us to.

  5. So glad you are in a better place and that you have inspired yourself to run again. I returned to working out yesterday after 3 weeks off due to illness and it is like starting from scratch and I am so sore today. However, I am looking forward to getting the remainder of this weight off and I am committed to doing so by my 45th birthday in May (there, I said it!).

    You are moving forward and there is something freeing in that. I hope that this is THE one for you!

  6. There definitely is something about doing ART for #2 that brings up a lot of resentment and anger for me. I, too, would have done anything to have the chance for a child and now that my child is here, to have to go through the same s h.i.t again for #2 (although I am grateful for the chance) makes my blood boil sometimes.

    Hope you can stay in this more happy place for awhile and good luck with this cycle!

  7. Glad you are feeling a bit better. I can definitely relate to the feeling that it wasn’t supposed to be this way this time. You can imagine my chagrin at having to do IVF with swimmers that are supposed to be top quality — AND paying in full for the ‘privilege’ in an IF-mandated state.

    My hope is that we will both be saying ‘it was worth it’ again very soon.

  8. Glad you’re feeling better. And everything crossed for the upcoming stim.


  9. Just getting caught up now. I think blogs are important as an outlet, and readers recognize that. It is important not to bottle everything up- your boil lancing analogy is quite apropos.

    I’m sorry you’re in a hurt and angry place. There is a lot going on right now, so I don’t think it’s surprising, but that probably doesn’t help. Glad you are out running again- I miss it so much. Can you run on your lunch hours ever? Or even just run on weekends when it is bright and sunny (today is a perfect running day here)? I find I struggle to see the joy in running when I am pounding the streets in the pitch black and it is super cold.

    Everything is crossed for you for this cycle.

  10. Glad to hear that you feel better. I can relate with your feelings, though in a different level. I am bitter that I cant even try to have a child, that Lyla may never be a big sister and if so it mine not be through me (hard pill to swallow), bitter that my family dreams have been shattered beyond recognition, that I am alone trying to figure things out while carrying for Lyla…Life can be tough and unfair and it is okay to feel bad and share with those who love you, including us. I am glad that running makes you feel better. I wish all the luck in the world my friend. Better days are ahead!!!

  11. Well, blogs are our way of getting it out. Feel free to whine, complain, throw your husband under a train. Whatever. You need to get it out somewhere and, as a working mom, there isn’t much space in your day for you and your feelings. It’s go go go go gogogogogogogogogo, until you plop in bed.

    Anyways, I know how much it sucks to feel bloated and yucky and out of shape….as I am there right now. Back in my “big” clothes from when I was cycling with my son. It’s no fun.

    Re: running, so my clinic in NJ said that I can’t do any exercise while cycling that gets my heart rate over freaking 130!!! I bet I do that walking up the stairs. I’m not sure what to think b/c I have an anorexic girlfriend that TRAINED (i.e., hard-core running) through her cycle and pregnancy with TWINS and delivered slightly underweight, but healthy babies at 35 weeks. The point being that she got pregnant with twins while running and being underweight. So, why should it matter? Regardless, after three flat out failures with my other cycles, I’m willing to do anything and won’t run during this cycle…just walk and yoga. But, I did exercise with my cycle with my son, just stopping the running after transfer. Who the f knows. (Pardon the cursing.)

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