January 7, 2011 at 10:58 am | Posted in And I ran (I ran so far away), Heartbreak | 20 Comments

The past two days have been two days of absolute SHIT.

Quarter end close at work, STILL doing detail work which is neither my strong suit nor my interest. Under a deadline. So I spend two of the three day close on THAT stuff before I can even get to my OWN areas.

Then have argument conversation with boss where he basically tells me my stress is my own fault because I chose to take last week off.

You know, to visit my family. Which we do every FUCKING year. To see my grandparents who are just shy of 90. To have O get to see his own grandparents.

And you know, when they die, I’m DEFINITELY going to wish I spent more time at WORK to allegedly get ahead of what apparently are now MY tasks then spending time with them.

And then, of course, I’m looking down the barrel of another stim cycle and still struggling.

Because even though I SEE there’s hope that we might bring home a sibling for O from the whole process (I mean, really. Two fresh transfers = two positive hpts. One live birth, mind you, but two positive pee sticks), all I can focus on is the anger that we need to do this in the first place.

I’m so frustrated with my husband, who is really trying to make things easy on me. He’s such a good man, and I can’t see it. So I’m an asshole that I can’t appreciate him or what he does.

And even worse… I’m feeling so far removed from being intimate with him, not only because of my frustration, but because of some weird feeling that I’m broken and don’t deserve to feel good.

I’m stressing about the fact that every night I think to myself that I need to call my uncle, to check in with him and see how he’s managing. When I can’t manage to make the call?

I feel like a complete shit ass coward. Because his pain is so much more than mine, and I can’t get past it.

Yeah. Bad couple of days.

It all came to a head yesterday. And I took an online “are you clinically depressed?” quiz.

I checked nearly every symptom.

Sleep issues? Check. Weight gain/loss? Check. Loss of interest in regular activities, including sex? Check. Difficulty concentrating, or making decisions? Check. Feelings of guilt, helplessness, and/or worthlessness? Check. Irritability, restlessness? Check. Aches, pains, or digestive issues that do not ease with treatment? Check.

About the only one I do NOT have is thoughts of suicide. Though I confess I have thought seriously about running away from my life… I saw what Amy’s suicide did to her family, and it’s not even an option for me.


(So have no fear – I won’t DIE. I’ll just be miserable forever.)

Even checking all the boxes I did, I was still surprised when the results suggested to me that I might be “severely depressed.”

I mean, seriously. Severe? That seems sort of exaggerated.

But it was a wake up call.

I know enough about myself that I’m not strong enough to do this myself. I need help. I need someone to help me find some way to cope with all of this, to help me move forward out of this stuck place I’m in.

So I called someone yesterday. A therapist, one that had infertility on her site, but who also runs a local healing arts center. I left a voicemail, but I made the call.

I have no idea what’s going to come of it.

But last night, when I finally told J all of this, and how I needed some help in figuring this all out, and he agreed, and told me he supported me 100%…

In some weird way, I felt BETTER.

I slept better than I have in weeks.

And I got up early for my run, because I missed it yesterday. I was expecting another frustrating push-pull experience, where my legs want to go faster than my lungs.

But it was GOOD.

Better than good, actually. I felt strong, and my pace was confident but not too fast.

And when my anthem came on, the one that signifies my November of loss, the one that helps me really FEEL the grief, I ran harder.

And though I can never get through the song with choking up – it’s always the line the hardest part of ending is starting again – somehow running helped me CHANNEL it.

I could get it out, run THROUGH it, break through that ice that’s holding me in this Stuck Place.

I listened to it twice. The first time I really allowed myself to FEEL.

The second time, I got ANGRY. With every footfall I thought FUCK YOU, INFERTILITY. FUCK YOU, GRIEF.

And I finished my last mile strong. I went home, smiling.


It was the best run I’ve had in MONTHS, even before my half marathon in October.

I SO needed it.

I know enough that this happy isn’t going to last. But I CAN actually feel happy.

And I’m working on the rest of it.



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  1. I had no idea it was so bad Serenity. I’m Gla you reached out. It’s very important.

    Great job on the run and here’s to feeling happy more often than not.


  2. Ah, the post made on a suggestion I made, that you said was coming. 🙂 I didn’t know there were therapists who specialized in infertility, and I’m so glad you found one and made the call. I hope you like the therapist and find it helpful. You could use some good things coming your way. (I should listen to my own advice sometimes, too.)

  3. I’m so glad you made the call. And that you had an amazing run.

    I hope the therapist calls you back today.

  4. So glad you made the call; sometimes that’s the hardest part and can make you feel better instantly!

  5. Glad you made the call, glad your running gives you something that you need, glad that you have your priorities (even if your boss does not). You are doing it. It is slow, painful. But you are climbing out of the hole.

    (My husband has depression, the best thing we ever did is go down that road of therapy–prozac saved my marriage)

  6. I need to make a similar call. I abandoned my previous therapist, but I think all the signs are pointing at the fact that I need to find another. I’m so depressed, I can’t even see straight. Perhaps I need to start running again, too.

    Just know that you aren’t alone. I’m here, and I feel your pain.


  7. It seems that things like this just sneak up on you don’t they? Like days aren’t Good or VERY Bad, but they just “are”. You wake up one day and go “OMG,I’m NOT happy and I haven’t been for a long time”

    I am so glad that you reached out, made a call, took a run and know yourself enough to know that maybe the counseling will help you take that huge boulder off your shoulder and take a nice deep breath and walk into your future.

    I’m here for you…whenever you need me. xo

  8. Well, welcome to the depressed bandwagon. I’ve been riding along for the past 6 months. IF sucks. Losing one you loves sucks (had that experience in June when I lost my beloved grandmother). And, I’ve thought a lot about suicide. But, I couldn’t leave my son and have him think that mommy killed herself because I wasn’t enough. Running and talking are great salves, though, and I hope they offer you some relief. We will survive this.

  9. I did therapy and it helped me so much. I am glad taht you made the call. this is a season, it will pass my dear!

  10. good for you for making that important call. you should be proud of yourself!!

  11. Glad you’ve made that step, and even gladder that you feel better about things already (though it will obviously need more followup than that). Good luck with the therapist.


  12. Good for you for making that call. I was depressed during my earlier graduate work and the best thing I ever did was see someone and take some medication. It just reset my brain and gave me back some perspective.

    I wish I’d run back then. I think that would have helped a lot too.

    Keep us posted on how you go with it all. There will be good days and bad days.

  13. I can say many things in response to this, but the most important is: LOVE YOU! Never forget that.

  14. Im thinking about going back myself…thanks for inspiring me to think about what I really need to do for ME.

  15. Making the call was a great step. Hope it gets better soon.

  16. I, too, am happy you made that call. It seems like you were empowered by making that decision and I hope it will help you find your way past your stuck place.

  17. It takes a LOT of courage to make that call, Serenity. And, I might add, it takes a lot of courage to seek therapy. I knew there was no way I would be able to afford regular sessions with our shitty insurance, plus hire a babysitter — the very idea was stressful — so I just went straight to the obgyn clinic for an Rx. But I do believe in therapy. I saw an infertility counselor for nearly a year.

    Last year, when I realized that I might have PPD, it was such a relief just to confess that I was very sad. But I, too, was really shocked when my N-P told me that my depression questionnaire had scored “severe depression.” I didn’t know it was that bad.

    Sending you lots of love and encouragement.

  18. This was a very brave thing to do … and your mind and body both know it. I hope that the therapist calls you back, and that you’re able to find a happy that can last again … you deserve nothing less. *hug*

  19. I was in therapy during our first attempts with IVF to conceive Bo and went back in August when my anxiety started to get the best of me again. Talking to someone who has no real “stake” in the situation can help so much and provide so much perspective. I’m glad you made the call.


  20. I am so glad you are getting help. IF and death are certainly the 2 most difficult things I have ever had to deal with and when you add them together it’s bloody tough. All the best with your therapist, I hope you are compatible.

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