Dream.

January 10, 2011 at 8:47 am | Posted in Heartbreak | 5 Comments

It was my Aunt Judy’s funeral again.

And I sought out my uncle, to see how he was doing. I wanted to make sure he was okay.

Somehow, I ended up sobbing, in his arms. Big gulping aching sobs of loss and pain and grief.

I felt AWFUL. Here I was, unable to control my emotions, with the person for whom *I* needed to be strong. Because my pain, for its strength, wasn’t nearly the same as his pain – his childhood sweetheart, wife of 41 years, mother of his children.

That’s the thought that woke me up.

This, my friends, is why I cannot grieve properly.

Because I play the pain Olympics and lose every time.

____________________

I still haven’t heard back from the therapist I called last week.

After last night’s dream, I drove to work saddled with the usual feelings.

I can’t DO this anymore.

So I called another therapist today. One who didn’t actually list infertility on her site, but who came up when I ran a google search on therapy + infertility. Her office is on the way home from my office, and she has an opening on Wednesday nights at 5pm.

We’re meeting for a consultation on Wednesday January 19.

We’ll see what happens.

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5 Comments »

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  1. You are hurting more than me, does that help?

    And, pain is pain. Just because he is hurting doesn’t negate the pain you are feeling. Your pain is still very much real and very valid. You have the right to feel what you are feeling.

  2. If you’re willing to go to Cambridge, I’d be happy to offer my therapist to you. Don’t know her availability, but she was the ABSOLUTE BEST EVER. Best. Ever. I LOVE LOVE LOVE her. She’s an adoptive mom. She totally understands everything. She never pushes. She’s so great. I love her.

    Email me if this one doesn’t work or you want to shop around.

  3. It must be such a deep, deep pain for it to invade your dreams like that. I wish there was more I could do then send words to you over the computer. If there is something I can do, please let me know.

  4. pain is pain serenity, yours is as legitimate as your uncle’s. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that is making your heart ache dear. You entitled of theses feelings! nobody will judge you, believe me

  5. I’m so glad that you have an appointment with the therapist. I know it will help you. Thinking of you.


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