Need to Breathe.

January 18, 2011 at 1:04 pm | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Heartbreak, Infertility | 15 Comments

I’ve been having a really hard time with anxiety today.

Because it’s snowing, with ice and rain in the forecast overnight. And I have an 8am retrieval at my clinic, which is an hour away from our house.

Because O is going to spend his first night away from the house, since we have to leave really early tomorrow.

Because O’s behavior has been really challenging lately, and I’m terrified that he’ll pull the same stuff with my SIL. In the middle of the night.

Because I’m scared that he’ll wake up and NEED me in the middle of the night, and I’m not going to be there – because I’m trying to have another baby.

Because I feel guilty for wanting something more than I have, and am putting myself, my health, my family through this in order to have it.

Because work sucks even more now – we laid off someone in my department here on Friday (yeah, that makes THREE people found Lacking by the accounting director), and I’m afraid I’m next.

Because I have to take a day off tomorrow when the auditors are onsite, and I’m scared that though my boss has been supportive of “taking care of my health,” he really doesn’t mean what he says.

Because I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall with this cycle, as it has in EVERY OTHER CYCLE we’ve had.

Because I’m uncomfortable and it hurts to move.

Because I’m really scared of overstimulation – my recovery from IVF #1 was AWFUL. And that was without a toddler and work commitments.

Because I have to reschedule tomorrow’s appointment with a potential therapist because that’s when my retrieval will be. Which means ANOTHER week of feeling crappy with no real relief.

Because I’m tired of feeling scared and sad and I just want to stay in my bed and hide away from it all.

Because I want to run and run and run until I’m far away from here, where it’s sunny and I’m not crippled with fear.

In the two half marathons I’ve run, there’s been a moment, usually around mile 9 or 10, where I think this.

WTF am I DOING? This is so STUPID.

I think I’m at that point right now.

And I’m so tired of feeling like this.



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  1. You also finished those marathons. O. will be OK, just like he is at school when he needs you … and wanting another child doesn’t mean you’re dissatisfied with the one you have. I’m sorry that you had to reschedule with the potential therapist … but glad that you’ve rescheduled, and not cancelled. There will be mile 11. And mile 12. And your body and mind will carry you there. Hang in there.

  2. I had to laugh…I know exactly the moment that you are talking about. Like the previous poster said, you will push through. You’ve done it before, you’ll do it again. Because in the end, you are strong enough to do all this. It may be distasteful. It may SUCK. But, in the end, you want another baby and all these short-term discomforts are going to be WAY outlasted by the long-term returns of another kid…both for you, your hubby, and little O as a big brother.

  3. P.S. Good luck with retrieval, you egg machine, you.

  4. Here, and reading. Good luck tomorrow. You will get through this, the same way you got through your half marathons. You are a strong woman.

  5. Deep breaths. Back away from the ledge. Close your eyes, and just shut everything else out and focus on breathing. You WILL get through this. I know you, and you are a strong woman. You will do just fine. Wishing you loads of luck, lots of eggs, and plenty of peace.


  6. That awful “get out now” feeling. I hope it doesn’t last long, and that all your fears go unfounded. Good luck with retrieval and recovery.


  7. Hang in there!! You are doing fine and it will all work out–really!!

    Good luck tomorrow!


  8. Hey, at least there’s an end to this in sight. You’ll have your retrieval, and O will have his night away from you guys, and then that part will be over (I know there’s more difficulty to come, but at least one thing will be over). Although I have to say, the roads out there are terrible!! Took me an hour to make my 25-minute commute to work. I hope the rain washes away some of the slush and ice, by tomorrow, and you can get there safely. Best of luck. I’ll be thinking of you.

  9. Try to hang in there. I know you can push through this. It’s often hard to look at ourselves and see how strong we are. So, I’m going to remind you…you are strong! You can do it!

  10. ((HUGE HUGS))

    Justine said everything that I was going to say.

    Today is hard. Tomorrow is a new day.

    Good luck w/ retrieval.


  11. sending you love, support and prayers! you can do this, no matter what you will be fine

  12. I think Justine hit it on the money. You can do this. Hang in there!

  13. Good luck tomorrow! I know O will be fine. These toddlers love to need us when we’re around, but they really rise to the occasion when necessary.

  14. I have no advice. I just want to say I’ve been there and am still there most days. *hugs*

  15. I can’t imagine anyone being in your shoes not stressing out….it’s a LOT to deal with in this moment in time. Wishing you a very quick recovery from this bout of anxiety and hoping you can imagine what it’s felt like when you’ve crossed the finish line at mile 13.1. 😉

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