Need to Breathe.January 18, 2011 at 1:04 pm | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), Heartbreak, Infertility | 15 Comments
I’ve been having a really hard time with anxiety today.
Because it’s snowing, with ice and rain in the forecast overnight. And I have an 8am retrieval at my clinic, which is an hour away from our house.
Because O is going to spend his first night away from the house, since we have to leave really early tomorrow.
Because O’s behavior has been really challenging lately, and I’m terrified that he’ll pull the same stuff with my SIL. In the middle of the night.
Because I’m scared that he’ll wake up and NEED me in the middle of the night, and I’m not going to be there – because I’m trying to have another baby.
Because I feel guilty for wanting something more than I have, and am putting myself, my health, my family through this in order to have it.
Because work sucks even more now – we laid off someone in my department here on Friday (yeah, that makes THREE people found Lacking by the accounting director), and I’m afraid I’m next.
Because I have to take a day off tomorrow when the auditors are onsite, and I’m scared that though my boss has been supportive of “taking care of my health,” he really doesn’t mean what he says.
Because I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall with this cycle, as it has in EVERY OTHER CYCLE we’ve had.
Because I’m uncomfortable and it hurts to move.
Because I’m really scared of overstimulation – my recovery from IVF #1 was AWFUL. And that was without a toddler and work commitments.
Because I have to reschedule tomorrow’s appointment with a potential therapist because that’s when my retrieval will be. Which means ANOTHER week of feeling crappy with no real relief.
Because I’m tired of feeling scared and sad and I just want to stay in my bed and hide away from it all.
Because I want to run and run and run until I’m far away from here, where it’s sunny and I’m not crippled with fear.
In the two half marathons I’ve run, there’s been a moment, usually around mile 9 or 10, where I think this.
WTF am I DOING? This is so STUPID.
I think I’m at that point right now.
And I’m so tired of feeling like this.