Suspension.

January 28, 2011 at 11:57 am | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this? | 9 Comments

I always feel like this part of a cycle is akin to being suspended over a raging river.

I’m curled up inside myself, hoping that I won’t snap and plunge into the icy water.

____________________________________

I met with the woman who might be my therapist on Wednesday night.

It was a free consultation, only supposed to be a half hour.

I’ll be honest: I knew she was going to ask me why I thought I needed a therapist. So I practiced my answer.

Except that when she asked me?

I totally froze up.

What came out was a little bit of everything. I was all over the place. I talked for what felt like WAY too long. I jumped from one thing to the next, how lucky I was to have O, how envious I was of my sister’s cycle because she had a lower number of much BETTER quality embryos, how I can’t bring myself to call my uncle and how much it makes me feel like a failure, how I try to accept my aunt’s passing but always get caught up in denial.

How I’ve spent years putting shit that hurts in a corner and how I can’t figure out how to get PAST it.

She didn’t say much. At one point she asked me how often I wanted to come, and when I didn’t have a good answer, she told me I should come weekly because it seemed like I was a little overwhelmed.

And when I left, I felt like SHIT. I called my best friend and told her that I talked too damn much.

Like it was some sort of job interview, and I failed.

(Seriously? It’s that bad that I feel like a failure after an appointment with a THERAPIST?)

I’m going to go back next week. And I’m going to be honest and tell her how I felt when I left.

And we’ll see what happens.

_______________________________

Physically, today I feel the best I have since before my retrieval. I’m still bloated, so my pants are still pretty tight.

But I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Good enough to attempt a swim session on Monday afternoon, I think.

Just interesting. I didn’t realize how much it was going to suck for as LONG as it was going to suck, that’s all. I’m happy I’m feeling better.

_____________________________

I still haven’t heard back from my clinic either about how many embryos they were able to freeze. As of the day of transfer, the doctor told me that they were keeping an eye on 12 that would potentially be frozen. I don’t know the quality or anything, either.

But if our best blast was graded at 3BB? I’d be surprised if there were a bunch of them that were super high quality.

__________________________________

I have no real “syptoms” that I can attribute to anything other than OHSS, no exercise, poor comfort food eating, and/or progesterone.

I thought maybe yesterday I was breaking out on my forehead and chest like I did during the cycle where I got pregnant with O.

Not nearly as bad as it did with O. Perhaps then, it’s not a real SYMPTOM.

So I’ve really just decided to avoid LOOKING for symptoms.

And I’m just hanging here.

Waiting.

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9 Comments »

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  1. Waiting and hoping with you!

  2. The waiting is the worst… Hoping that pimples are a good thing! Many many hugs to you!

  3. Ya know, I think I would probably do the exact same thing if I went to the therapist – feel like it was a job interview and then talk a lot (which is what you’re supposed to do at a therapist!) and then feel like a fool afterward. I think that’s normal and a sign that you’re overwhelmed. Totally understandable.

    I hope that the wait goes by quickly and that things are going well for your sister too.

  4. I give you so much credit for making that call – I don’t know how many times I’ve thought I should see one, looked up therapists, and then never called. Did you like the therapist? That’s probably more important than anything else.

    Also, I think it’s good that all your symptoms could potentially be caused by something else, like OHSS or comfort food. Maybe it’ll keep you from second-guessing them all too much. Or maybe not.

  5. Hang in there.

    As for the therapist, it might be interesting to see what happens with a followup session. It sounds like the first was kind of full!

    Glad you’re feeling better – that always helps.

    Bea

  6. I think it’s a good sign that you were able to just talk with the therapist, rather than offer your rehearsed answer … after all, therapy isn’t supposed to be something you can rehearse … in order for it to work, it has to be spontaneous, genuine, and oftentimes, raw. You have to drag the shit out and look at it before you can throw it away, or move past it.

    Hang in there, Serenity. Keeping fingers xx’d that you get some good news, and glad that you’re feeling physically better, at least.

  7. Tick, Tock. Waiting is the worst! Just know you are not alone.

  8. Just popping by to say that you’ve been on my mind. Hoping this Sunday has been a peaceful one. I feel the tick tock for you.

  9. Went to a therapist for a year or so in 2004/2005. I told my therapist on a subsequent visit that I always left my appointments feeling like a total jerk/idiot and that feeling left me so uncomfortable for days afterward. I told her that I thought she was thinking all these things about how stupid and weird I was. She laughed and said that she’s seen so much in her career that nothing phased her and that she really didn’t think much about any patient beyond how she could help them. Not sure if I actually ever believed her, but it was nice to hear the answer.


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