Suspension.

January 28, 2011 at 11:57 am | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this? | 9 Comments

I always feel like this part of a cycle is akin to being suspended over a raging river.

I’m curled up inside myself, hoping that I won’t snap and plunge into the icy water.

____________________________________

I met with the woman who might be my therapist on Wednesday night.

It was a free consultation, only supposed to be a half hour.

I’ll be honest: I knew she was going to ask me why I thought I needed a therapist. So I practiced my answer.

Except that when she asked me?

I totally froze up.

What came out was a little bit of everything. I was all over the place. I talked for what felt like WAY too long. I jumped from one thing to the next, how lucky I was to have O, how envious I was of my sister’s cycle because she had a lower number of much BETTER quality embryos, how I can’t bring myself to call my uncle and how much it makes me feel like a failure, how I try to accept my aunt’s passing but always get caught up in denial.

How I’ve spent years putting shit that hurts in a corner and how I can’t figure out how to get PAST it.

She didn’t say much. At one point she asked me how often I wanted to come, and when I didn’t have a good answer, she told me I should come weekly because it seemed like I was a little overwhelmed.

And when I left, I felt like SHIT. I called my best friend and told her that I talked too damn much.

Like it was some sort of job interview, and I failed.

(Seriously? It’s that bad that I feel like a failure after an appointment with a THERAPIST?)

I’m going to go back next week. And I’m going to be honest and tell her how I felt when I left.

And we’ll see what happens.

_______________________________

Physically, today I feel the best I have since before my retrieval. I’m still bloated, so my pants are still pretty tight.

But I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Good enough to attempt a swim session on Monday afternoon, I think.

Just interesting. I didn’t realize how much it was going to suck for as LONG as it was going to suck, that’s all. I’m happy I’m feeling better.

_____________________________

I still haven’t heard back from my clinic either about how many embryos they were able to freeze. As of the day of transfer, the doctor told me that they were keeping an eye on 12 that would potentially be frozen. I don’t know the quality or anything, either.

But if our best blast was graded at 3BB? I’d be surprised if there were a bunch of them that were super high quality.

__________________________________

I have no real “syptoms” that I can attribute to anything other than OHSS, no exercise, poor comfort food eating, and/or progesterone.

I thought maybe yesterday I was breaking out on my forehead and chest like I did during the cycle where I got pregnant with O.

Not nearly as bad as it did with O. Perhaps then, it’s not a real SYMPTOM.

So I’ve really just decided to avoid LOOKING for symptoms.

And I’m just hanging here.

Waiting.