Cyclesistas and the Green-Eyed Monster.

January 30, 2011 at 9:57 pm | Posted in Cheese with that whine? (aka rants), IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this?, Stuck with You (aka: Family) | 11 Comments

O’s current obsession is monsters.

I think, actually, he’s AFRAID of them. But when he talks about monsters, he says it so matter of factly.

There’s a monster in my room, Mommy. I better turn on the light.

Since my sister’s text about how many of her 13 eggs fertilized, I have seen a monster in the darkness of my own Crazy.

They had 11 eggs fertilize. Out of 13 retrieved.

85% fertilization rate.

Jesus, that’s an AMAZING fertilization rate. Seriously fucking amazing.

She, of course, has NO idea how awesome it is.

Because my sister and I couldn’t be more different.

It’s ME who does all the research on everything I approach, because of COURSE learning everything about something makes it more likely that I’ll get the outcome I want, right?

My sister, on the other hand, doesn’t know what FSH means. She still isn’t sure when she ovulates in a given cycle. She doesn’t know why she’s taking baby aspirin – just that her doctor’s office told her.

She didn’t bother to ask how many follicles she had at the ultrasounds, or what her estradiol levels were (What IS that? Do I even CARE? she asked me).

She didn’t order her meds until the last moment, and stressed out about the fact that she had to start stims the NEXT DAY and didn’t have her medications yet.


She’s four and a half years younger than me, and she had a textbook cycle. With an amazing fertilization rate and 7 leftover blastocysts after they transferred two today.

And I overstimulated, yet again, probably fried all my eggs and embryos, because we have to do a single blast transfer because I have a fucked up uterus.

I HATE that this monster even EXISTS.

I hate it because my sister?

Has been trying for FOUR YEARS to have a baby and has to pay out of pocket for IVF when we get our umpteen million cycles we’ve done covered under insurance.

And let’s not forget the biggest thing: I HAVE A SON.

You know, my gorgeous, amazing, unbelievably FUN kid.

WTF, Serenity?


But it’s how I’m feeling right now.

I don’t have the words to tell you all how DONE I am with ART. I used to wonder about the people who were so strong to walk away from IVF, who knew that enough was enough.

How did they KNOW they were done?

I am there right now. At this point, I don’t know I have it in me to sit in a room with my doctor ever again, to talk about the fact that I failed yet again.

I can’t even THINK about a FET. I just can’t.

But I also can’t shine the light of hope in that corner either. Maybe I AM pregnant, and I’ll get a positive beta on Wednesday. Maybe I’ll have doubling betas and a great ultrasound. I mean, it COULD happen.

Probably not, though.

I want nothing more to banish the monster in my thoughts.

I just can’t see enough light.



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  1. Feeling for you and know that, no matter what, you will have an answer to this cycle soon enough.

    Hoping it is positive and that you can focus thoughts on something else.

  2. Jealousy sucks, especially when you logically know that it doesn’t make sense. Jealousy does not abide by any rules of logic, though.

    Hoping for the best, but here no matter the outcome.


  3. GRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. How is that for an articulate comment.

    Infuriating. So much of this is just infuriating.

    I can so relate with the researching every little bit of this process, and somehow we think that will achieve the desired outcome because of that.

    GRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrr. I think that sums it up best.


    Hanging in there with you. That is about the most articulate I can be.

  4. I still get that monster, even though I am not even trying to build my family any more. Even though there is not a reason for me to feel jealous, I still go through those “what ifs” and its so frustrating and guilt wringing. And it just goes to show how much IF just SUCKS.

    andbabymakesthree said it best: Hoping for the best, but here no matter the outcome! [[Hugs]]

  5. The 2ww is a dark time, even for the best of us. There’s got to be a little of that in your reaction, right? I’m just wishing both of you luck, and monsters begone!


  6. hoping the best for you and your sister.

    I know that monster too. Unfortunately.

  7. My sister’s 4.5 years younger than me, too (one of them, anyway), and sometimes I wonder whether we really grew up the same house. I think birth order has such a huge effect on how people turn out, and she’s definitely got that youngest-child mentality. It sounds like yours does too. There’s some advantage to it, though: knowing all the details won’t necessarily help either of you. Let’s hope IVF does help both of you, though.

    And also, we borrowed a great monster book from daycare: Go Away, Big Green Monster. Maybe you and O both need it. šŸ™‚

  8. Serenity, please don’t beat yourself up. I can say with certainty that I would feel the same way you do. I know that I’ve made the decision to adopt, but I still feel jealous when people get pregnant – even if it is through IVF. I know I’ll feel that way always – even if I end up adopting 10 kids or miraculously get pregnant. The green-eyed monster is everywhere in this journey, and no matter what we do, it’s impossible to escape it. The reality is that all of us will feel this way at some point, because not one of us had the reproductive story we thought we’d have.

    Thinking of you, and I hope that your monster disappears soon… at least for a little while.


  9. I hate jealousy. It makes me feel like such a horrible person. I feel jealous of you with all your eggies! But, if you acknowledge it as a normal human emotion…and just try to push through…sometimes it goes away.

    I say this, but I still haven’t been able to call back my friend that had twins naturally. It makes me upset that she is so lucky and I am NOT.

  10. I’d be jealous too…I’m honest, I don’t mince words with it. Plus when you want something so badly, it’s hard to have someone so close to you getting it if you’re afraid you won’t be getting it too.

    I totally get it. But you need to hang in there, and know that there is enough GOOD STUFF around for both of you.

    (just as an aside, you know they got 15 eggs from me, 13 of which were dubbed “GOOD” and 13 fertilized, 13 made it to day 3 and I thought, HOLY SH**T who gets that lucky? But at Day 5 we only had 3 good enough to transfer or freeze. 2 of them are Jacob and Gio. So just because she had a high fert rate you know that it doesn’t really mean that all of them will get to day 5….ok? Love you lots and keeping HOPE for you my sweet friend xo)

  11. I get the jealousy all too well. There’s a nagging voice in the back of my head that says one of my siblings (who just had babies this past summer) is going to announce an accidental pregnancy while we are in the throes of Suckiness. You know, in case I’m not already green enough over the fact that they get to have babies easily, AND with genetic material from their spouses.

    The jealousy is one of the (many) things I hate most about IF.

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