Fail.February 1, 2011 at 6:00 am | Posted in IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this? | 20 Comments
This morning’s test was negative.
In November? I DID get positive hpts the day before my beta.
They are NOT positive now.
So it’s time to stop the peeing madness.
This cycle is a Big Fail.
I was chatting with my dear blogger friend Mary Ellen yesterday.
When she asked how it was going, I couldn’t help it. The bitterness spilled out.
Because, after my BFN yesterday, I had spent the morning making PLANS.
If this cycle failed, I thought, I’d do one more cycle. Maybe a fresh one. Because I have ZERO confidence in the embryos, however many we have (because no, I STILL haven’t seen the piece of paper that confirms for me there was anything actually frozen).
Honestly, what are the chances of a FET working when our BEST embryo failed in a fresh cycle?
So maybe we DO another fresh cycle, this time with a low and slow protocol. And we use assisted hatching like we did with the cycle that produced O.
A Hail Mary cycle.
Then? We can be done forever.
And instead of having a pregnancy or a baby to look forward to next November, I was going to sign up for the Philadelphia Marathon.
It would be the ultimate fuck you race, I thought.
Because the race is on November 19 – a year to the day my aunt died, a year after losing what was my last pregnancy, and a week before my 36th birthday.
A race to usher in the new phase of my life.
No more babies, no more doctors, no more being told to hang in there, no more wondering is this the cycle?
No more holding onto useless baby gear for another child, wondering if O should move into a big boy room to make room for another child, no more talking if we have another…
I could finally just move on.
She, of course, totally validated me.
Because she’s been through hell, too, and so she GETS it.
But she also said something which really made me think.
She said,You have to give yourself a break. You are so angry, and by harboring all of this resentment towards the IVF process, somehow I feel like you are really punishing yourself.
And it nearly stopped me in my tracks.
She’s totally right.
I’m pissed off that I’m such a failure that I NEED another fresh cycle to conceive again.
Because I couldn’t hold on to our last embryo in November.
Because I’m such a fuckup that I can’t manage to get pregnant – even when someone gives me an embyro.
And sort of like how I take my anger at the situation out on J sometimes, I’m so angry at my doctor. Our clinic. OHSS. IVF in general.
When really it’s just misplaced anger.
I’m actually pissed off at MYSELF.
Because this is hard for us when it’s easy for so many others. Because I manage to screw up when I’m given embryos. Because it SHOULD have been easier now that we have O, and it’s not. Because my fucked up uterus means cycles are like fucking chinese water torture – one embryo at a time.
Because we’ve officially gone through THIRTEEN EMBRYOS with one little boy to show for it.
It gets to the heart of why I’m having a hard time dealing with everything right now.
I’m stuck in this Angry Place because, in my head, I keep failing over and over and over again.
I failed to tell my aunt I loved her. I failed to tell her that I was sorry I disappeared after Amy’s death. I failed by not being able to stay pregnant. I failed when I overstimulated from this cycle. I failed when my body didn’t produce quality embryos. I failed when I didn’t get pregnant from a fresh cycle, despite having done so on two other fresh transfers.
Fail, Fail, FAIL.
I honestly had NO CLUE I felt this way, until she said it. I thought I was just angry at the process. Not angry with myself.
And it can’t be GOOD for me to be stuck in this place of impotent rage.
I have no idea how to let go of these feelings of failure.
But damned if I’m going to let it win.