Aftermath.

February 2, 2011 at 9:50 am | Posted in IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this? | 16 Comments

I did a lot of crying on Monday night. I just KNEW, after that first BFN.

So when I got the negative again yesterday, I wasn’t surprised.

I have questions for Dr. HIT. I want to know the quality of the other embryos. I want to hear HIS version of how this cycle went, because in my mind it was a big fat Fail. I overstimulated. Where we’ve never had issues with embryo quality before, now we do. Is it my age? Or the protocol? Or both?

I want to know what he recommends if we’re going to do one last cycle. Maybe we thaw 3-4 of the best frozen embryos and transfer the one that looks best on the day of transfer. Maybe it is another fresh cycle.

But.

I am at the point with ART that I can’t really consider multiple cycles. I said it before – it’s like chinese water torture; one embryo at a time. It’s a time and energy suck, and I just don’t have the energy anymore.

It will hurt if we stop trying, yes. I’m not OKAY with being done.

But I WILL BE okay with being done eventually.

Mostly I just can’t live in limbo for much longer.

So J and I deciding to attempt just one more cycle makes me feel a zillion times better.

(Which is surprising, because my comfort level in getting pregnant in one cycle is close to nil.)

But what it does is give me a finite amount of time in which we’ll be struggling through hell. It’s like during a race, when you know that the pain will be over in three more miles.

One more cycle. I can do that.

I think.

Anyway. Beta to confirm my negative is actually tomorrow, since we’re snowed in today.

Follow up visit with Dr. HIT is next Thursday.

In the meantime, O is a salve for my pain. I hold him as much as I can. Every hug, every snuggle, every smile and laugh and giggle is helping me get through looking at yet another cycle.

And. As it’s looking more and more likely that O was a fluke and we just got lucky…

… well, we DID get lucky.

That’s something, anyway.

Maybe it’s not enough.

But it’s something.

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16 Comments »

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  1. Oh, Serenity. My heart just aches for you. Take it one day at a time, one cycle at a time. You reach the top of the mountain through a series of small steps.

    I would tend to think this is a protocol issue. At least that’s what my new RE tells me: that the quality of the embryos can be impacted by the protocol (while my low numbers likely won’t).

  2. Oh man… so heartbreaking. Hugs and more hugs.

  3. I am very sorry about your BFN Serenity. In the past two years life has dealt me very difficult cards… so i can relate with your feelings . It was liberating the day I realized that not all the failures I have endured are my fault… life happens even when we give out best shot (As I know you always do). Be kind to yourself, grieve your losses, lick your wounds, then allow healing to happen knowing too well that you did all you could and that you have the freedom to chose what path to follow next… HUGS, you are a fantastic woman

  4. I’m curious to hear what the doctor says. But, for now, my heart aches for you. I know how badly you wanted this and how badly you deserve it.

    xoxo

  5. It would be nice to think your doctor could actually provide you with some advice on what to do next – I hope you get some answers that make you feel better. It sounds like you’re coping with this as well as could be hoped. It just sucks.

  6. I’m sorry this cycle didn’t work out. I feel like we’re leading parallel lives — and for what it’s worth, reading your posts as you work through the decision-making is incredibly helpful to me. I have a 2.5 year old son from IVF (I’m also an eSET kind of gal due to having surgery to correct my massive uterine septum and we have severe MFI issues). We did another IVF cycle in March 2010, had an apparently healthy pregnancy with a singleton, and everything was fine through the NT scan…and 2 weeks later development had stopped. I was floored. Decided to do IVF again last fall, got delayed 2 cycles (slightly elevated TSH needed to be lowered; then baseline E2 was 53 when it needed to be <50), finally did IVF in November and I didn't respond as well as normal — few mature eggs, and fair/poor quality blasts at day 5. BFN. Immediately did an FET using the best 2 blasts from my one successful cycle in 2007 and another BFN. Despite having plenty of frozen embryos left, I've lost my faith in that process and am heading towards yet another fresh cycle sometime this spring…but I've come to the conclusion that I can't stay on this rollercoaster past Dec. 2011. It is just mentally and physically exhausting, and I'm ready to move on if having child #2 isn't in the cards for us. I do think it's somewhat easier having a healthy little boy to come home to after yet another visit to the RE…but it's still hard because you know how much you want #2 and what you're missing. Sigh. Wish this were easier for all of us. Hang in there.

  7. I feel you, sister! Keep hugging the ones you love. I’m grateful that my cat Sharky slept with me all last night. Such a comfort.

  8. I am sorry Serenity. I hope you get the answers you need and keep holding onto your gorgeous O.

  9. I’m so sorry. I know you’re hurting.

  10. I’ve wondered more and more whether A was a fluke too. Either way, I’m SO thankful to have her.

    I hear you on the eSET torture. We could be down to a single remaining cycle if we would’ve put back two the first time and planned to put back two for the FET. It’s all so frustrating.

    Did you ever get any official information about the number of frozen embryos? I’m curious to hear your RE’s perspective on the cycle overall, the remaining embryos, etc. I hope he can offer some insight that will help you decide how to proceed.

  11. Shit. I am soooo sorry. Fvck. You two deserve better. And hey, just because you won the lottery once doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for O when your bummed about not getting pregnant. It’s okay to mourn this shitty cycle. You can be grateful for him-and you are-and fvcking outraged that you’re not getting pregnant.
    You’re not greedy for wanting too-you’re just human, mommy : )

    Christina
    Apron Strings

  12. I am so sorry that you cannot get off this roller coaster yet.

    Reading your post brought back many memories for me. All those feelings of guilt because of already having a child; holding that child close but feeling like there is something missing; wishing to not have to go through all this again. It is just not fair. And I wish that I could make it better, but all I can say is that we are here for you. 🙂

  13. It certainly is something. I just wish it was everything.

    Yes, it will be interesting to hear what the good doctor says. Talking it out with him is definitely the best plan for now. The single embryo transfers are a bit water-torture-like and I can understand wanting to cap it.

    Take care.

    Bea

  14. Lighting does strike twice my friend, it does.
    Keep going, keep trying…your journey (and the one embryo at a time) is a hard one, but it’s one that will be worth it. I DO BELIEVE that. Silly, optimistic, head in the clouds me..and I will not take NO for you, for an answer.

    I’m sorry sweets, I am. but you know that.
    xo

  15. Just catching up on the latest news. I’m so sorry.

  16. I’m so sorry it didn’t work.


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