Aftermath.February 2, 2011 at 9:50 am | Posted in IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this? | 16 Comments
I did a lot of crying on Monday night. I just KNEW, after that first BFN.
So when I got the negative again yesterday, I wasn’t surprised.
I have questions for Dr. HIT. I want to know the quality of the other embryos. I want to hear HIS version of how this cycle went, because in my mind it was a big fat Fail. I overstimulated. Where we’ve never had issues with embryo quality before, now we do. Is it my age? Or the protocol? Or both?
I want to know what he recommends if we’re going to do one last cycle. Maybe we thaw 3-4 of the best frozen embryos and transfer the one that looks best on the day of transfer. Maybe it is another fresh cycle.
I am at the point with ART that I can’t really consider multiple cycles. I said it before – it’s like chinese water torture; one embryo at a time. It’s a time and energy suck, and I just don’t have the energy anymore.
It will hurt if we stop trying, yes. I’m not OKAY with being done.
But I WILL BE okay with being done eventually.
Mostly I just can’t live in limbo for much longer.
So J and I deciding to attempt just one more cycle makes me feel a zillion times better.
(Which is surprising, because my comfort level in getting pregnant in one cycle is close to nil.)
But what it does is give me a finite amount of time in which we’ll be struggling through hell. It’s like during a race, when you know that the pain will be over in three more miles.
One more cycle. I can do that.
Anyway. Beta to confirm my negative is actually tomorrow, since we’re snowed in today.
Follow up visit with Dr. HIT is next Thursday.
In the meantime, O is a salve for my pain. I hold him as much as I can. Every hug, every snuggle, every smile and laugh and giggle is helping me get through looking at yet another cycle.
And. As it’s looking more and more likely that O was a fluke and we just got lucky…
… well, we DID get lucky.
That’s something, anyway.
Maybe it’s not enough.
But it’s something.