Stuck in a Moment.February 4, 2011 at 1:02 pm | Posted in Heartbreak, Infertility, IVF #4: I'm STILL doing this?, My life | 22 Comments
To add insult to injury, yesterday’s drive to my clinic for my blood test took an hour and a half.
In bumper to bumper traffic.
Which was bad enough. But I had to leave work early yesterday to take the afternoon shift with O, who somehow caught a case of pinkeye.
So something that SHOULD have taken me an hour, altogether, took me more than 2.
But anyway. Beta was confirmed negative. Not that I had any hope, for for anyone who MIGHT have been holding out hope, it’s officially crushed.
The good news was that, since our consult with Dr. HIT isn’t until next Thursday, I can start the pill in order to make it so that we don’t have to sit a cycle out.
Small blessings, right?
I had decreased my progesterone usage over the past couple of days to 2x a day. Because I don’t WANT to stick something up my hoo-ha if it’s not, you know, going to DO anything.
Because of that and the day-late beta, I was blessed with AF this morning.
It got me thinking this morning on my way into work. If I actually counted…
… how many official CD 1s would I have gone through in our quest to create our family?
I stopped myself when I realized I didn’t know what “official CD 1” meant. Did it mean when we threw out the birth control? When we were hoping for something to happen (and then it didn’t)? When we were actively cycling with our clinic?
The thought of counting all that Fail made me unbelievably sad.
So I stopped thinking about that.
I’ve been saying for a while that I feel stuck.
Honestly, I’m pretty fucking miserable. The only light in my life right now is my son. I’m desperate for his love and snuggles and smiles and kisses and hugs and giggles.
It’s not HEALTHY. Because I really do need to learn how to be happy again. WITHOUT using O as a crutch.
And though I get angry and bitter and cynical about the fact that I am FORCED to manage the Suck that is my life right now…
… well, I’m also tired of being miserable.
I need to start looking at the good in our life. I need to make plans, to decompress, to allow myself to relax and focus on the stuff we DO have. Yes, some of that is O. But J and I need to remember to do the things we like to do – both with O AND without him.
Our life is one big to-do list, and it’s time we stop the madness and start to ENJOY things.
So yes, we may be stuck in a moment right now. There may be too much uncertainty in our lives.
But we have to figure out how to be okay.
So tell me something, dear readers.
How do YOU focus on the good? What do you do when things get to be too much for you? How do you recharge, renew – as a family, with your husband, by yourself?
Any and all assvice is most welcome.