February 11, 2011 at 12:03 pm | Posted in FET #6: deja vu (again) | 5 Comments

I think my most overriding emotion yesterday was exhaustion.

When Dr. HIT told me that he thought our chances of getting pregnant were cumulatively good, but it might take us longer than we’d like…

I threw up in my mouth a little bit.


Clearly I really don’t have it in me to continue assisted reproductive cycles ad infinitem until we get pregnant.

But I also don’t want to regret stopping, either.

So I sort of felt like I was in this Nebulous Limbo of Suck.

It’s so hard to know WHAT to do. What’s the right approach that will get me pregnant NEXT cycle?

Course no one knows that. Could be a FET. Could be another fresh cycle. Could be NOTHING.

But after a number of glasses of wine last night, a good night of sleep, and a good swim at lunch today, I’m starting to feel like MYSELF again.

A FET is a good “break” for me. I’m at the point where I don’t really WANT a real break. There is ticking of a biological clock, people. I see O getting older, and I think about putting off things we want to do in order to have a baby, and I wonder:

WTF are we doing?

I don’t need a break. I need to get pregnant, or be done.

But also? I need to be able to exercise regularly (because seriously, by the end of three weeks of doing nothing I felt bloated and unhappy and tired and nasty).

A FET is perfect then. Estrogen and patches make it so I can run and swim and not really worry about it all until the day of transfer. There’s no being uncomfortable, worrying about ovarian torsion, etc etc.

The other thing? I also take great heart in the fact that one of our blasts is graded pretty highly. The second isn’t bad, either.

And I know that likely J will make the decision to transfer only one. Because I know my husband – things are black and white with him. We have the CHOICE to control how many babies we have and we know my uterus is unreliable with ONE baby.

Therefore, ipso facto, we will be transferring one.

Which, you know. It’s the responsible choice.

I just don’t have it in me to make it. Because I seem to be in this mindset of beating myself up for nearly everything nowadays. I know that if it DIDN’T work, I’d beat myself up for not listening to my RE.

Yet, somehow, J making that decision for me takes it out of my control, and gives me some objectivity and perspective I really need right now.

So. Today I’m feeling much better about doing a FET. And I’m getting back into exercise and feeling good in general.

So that is most definitely something.


And I CANNOT thank you all enough for the potty training assvice – seriously, really appreciate it.

It’s hard to know when and where and how to approach the potty training thing.

My biggest issue was the fighting of the diaper changes, yet the absolute SILENCE when we talked about potty training. And the lack of interest in bribes, or even trying, or the monkey underwear we bought him.

But when his teacher told me that he got really mad at the kids who pointed out his diaper, it became clear to me. Seriously, my poor kid is EMBARRASSED. He doesn’t want to change his diaper because he wants to pretend he’s a big kid too. But he doesn’t want to use the potty because he’s cautious and isn’t sure how.

I’m totally fine with pull ups and a gentle approach in the safety of our home. Might work.

But the other thing?

His cousin D is in the midst of potty training. And is SO excited about it. We went over there last night, and by the end of the night, D had O out of his diaper, trying to convince him to sit on the potty.

Since O adores his cousin, I am hoping that the encouragement from his cousin will help him be less embarrassed about it.

We’ll see what happens. Our original plan was to wait things out for a little while and really focus on the potty training in July, when we’re forced to take a week off due to our daycare shut down. I’m really in no RUSH, either.


So, to sum up: I’m better today. I love you all for the advice and support and I really don’t know what I’d do if it weren’t for all you people in the computer.

Big smoochy kisses to all of you.



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  1. I’m glad you’re comfortable with the decision of the FET. It sounds like the right decision. I am sorry about your sister, too.

    As far as the potty training – I think if we all had infinite patience (and time), we’d probably discover that *every* tantrum had good logic behind it. Alas, we do not all have infinite patience, and also kids need to learn to express themselves with words. But I’m glad you figured it out, although I feel bad for O for being embarassed.

    I don’t understand pull-ups, though. J just thinks they’re diapers, and he thinks they have better designs on them. They do not cause any change in his bathroom habits, but I hope they work for O.

  2. Just getting caught up. I’m really sorry to hear about your sister’s news- I had been wondering.

    It’s funny, the other day I was in my prenatal exercise class, which always starts with a discussion, and we were talking about fears about labour. And one of the women said, “I just wish someone could tell me what would happen. I could handle a 32 hour labour, or back labour, or a c-section, or whatever, if someone could just let me know ahead of time what was going to be involved. It’s the unknowing I can’t stand.”

    And I sat there thinking, “THAT is what it feels like to be infertile.” Because I remember thinking so many times over the last few years that I could hang in there for the entirety of the journey, if only someone could tell me how long it was going be, and what was going to be involved. I would have coped with the failed FETs so much better if I’d known that they were going to be failures, but the next fresh cycle would work.

    That’s the crappy thing about so many important aspects in life- no one can tell us how they will turn out. But that doesn’t make it suck any less. So I’m sorry your doctor’s optimism is now muted. I’m sorry you’re having to face the prospect of discarding a good quality blast (although I completely understand your reasoning). I’m sorry you’re still facing the potential of lengthy journey when all you want to be is done.

    A FET sounds like a good idea. As you said, they are SO much easier than fresh cycles. You can feel more like your old self while they’re going on.

    And if that doesn’t work (and this is just assvice, so you can totally ignore me), maybe a break before any fresh cycle is not a bad idea. I know your clock is ticking, but it seems like you have an awful lot to deal with at the moment, and having a chance to work through those emotions might help you face a fresh cycle more easily.

    As for the potty training, I have no experience, but I do know a couple of friends swore they’d never use pullups again because of what a few people have said- they make it too easy for the kid to ignore his/her discomfort. I’m sure you and O will figure things out.


  3. Glad you are doing a bit better with the whole thing. I hear you on the feeling gross and unhealthy. This fresh cycle has taken its toll on my body- a body which was already feeling less then stellar. I vowed to not let exercise go by the way side, but it is SO hard when your mind is elsewhere and you body is a pin cushion.

  4. You talk it all out here..I am glad u have this space and ask us to listen. If YOU need to be doing something and not breaking then that is where I am with u. Plus u r swimming..running feeling like u and that is a very good thing!!!! Hang in and hang on my friend xo

  5. Just caught up with the last few posts. I am glad you are feeling better generally and with the plan. I am sorry about your sister too.

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