Digging Deep.

February 18, 2011 at 12:09 pm | Posted in Crazy Talk (aka: Therapy), FET #6: Another Chance | 9 Comments

(aka: Thus the Silence.)

There’s a lot that’s been going on in chez Serenity lately.

Mostly of the internally-focused, thinking kind.

Although there’s a lot of loud, cranky, screaming, foot-stamping I’m-almost-three-and-DON’T-YOU-FORGET-IT! behavior too. I can’t say I wasn’t forewarned by my friends with older kids, but I was truly taken aback by the out-of-controllness of it all.

Because it really is like this: a switch goes on and my toddler turns into the Incredible Hulk.

But he can be screamingly angry in one moment…

… and giggling the next.

I’ve got whiplash and a massive headache trying to keep up with it.

DEALING with it? Well, that hasn’t been going so well. We had a morning where I yelled something really mean at him because I was at MY wits end and he was too. Took us another half hour to get O out of the red zone, and I didn’t fully come out of it until my second glass of wine that same night.

We’re muddling as best as we can, but holy cow this thing called Three is pretty damn hard.

In the thinking category, now that I’ve gotten out all NOISE of the infertility and career woes and loss of my aunt and stress of our day to day life, I’m delving into some pretty deep shit in therapy.

Because BEFORE the November losses I was floundering, and it’s not just everything at once. It’s a deep seated fear and unhappiness which has been with me for a very long time.

I really WANT to put it into words, but I can’t yet. Because the words don’t come even close to adequately capture the sense of self-loathing I’ve assimilated into my person. And I understand the reasons WHY I feel this way, but I haven’t yet figured out a way to break the chain.

All I know is that I’m starting to realize that I won’t see a direct return on the money invested into my sessions. But it’s a good investment and I’m hopeful that I’ll be in a better place next year at this time.

In cycle news, AF arrived yesterday, so I started on the estradiol and estrogen patch. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I have this weird feeling of calm about things right now. My only real thought?

It’s a chance.

Which is so different than the way I’ve approached the last three cycles. The first where I was convinced it would work. The second where I was anticipating it NOT working because that’s just our luck. The fresh cycle where I was punishing myself for being infertile and so very angry we needed IVF again.

Where there was a churning vortex of Suck, now there’s nothing. It just is.

It’s a chance. Nothing more, nothing less.

I did plug my transfer date into my spreadsheet, and for shits and giggles looked at my estimated due date. Shockingly, if it DID work, my due date would actually be my 36th birthday.

I mean, obviously I can’t take much from that, but hey, it wouldn’t be such a bad birthday present, you know?

So. To sum up: Things are hectic with a toddler who zooms from one extreme to the next. Spending a lot of energy on thinking and sifting through the huge pile of shit I stuck in the back corner of my mind and heart. FET is progressing with a distinct lack of negative emotion.

And I promise a post of substance soon.

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9 Comments »

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  1. Hey, that’s substance. Don’t worry about it. And it sounds like you have a good therapist.

    You know, when I first started blogging I wondered why I was the only one complaining about my toddler. But now I see (and not just from you), that I just needed to wait awhile. Sigh. That’s hard.

    I think this weather makes everyone feel more hopeful and optimistic. but whatever the reason, I’m really glad you’re in that place now, and I hope it helps.

  2. Yeeeah….3’s suck. Seriously it’s like they’re actually psychotic. So at least you know you’re not alone?

  3. I’m so glad to read of your optimism. It’s amazing how even an ounce of hope can transform everything.

    Don’t get me started on 3 year olds. They make 2 year olds seem tame. You’re so not alone on that one.

  4. well I told ya…now imagine it with 2. There , I’ll take that headache for you. LOL
    I understand, more than you know, because I keep saying half seriously , that if we all make it to 4, I’ll consider it a personal victory. It’s just that “INSANE” around our house lately.

    as for all the other stuff.. I could tell you all day long about the GOOD, AMAZING, INCREDIBLE , stuff about you, but you won’t believe me until you feel it too. I want you to feel that and not count on “a return in your investment’ in it..I want you to KNOW that you’re a doing a good thing by just talking about it, dealing with it head on..that every time you get something off your chest you are that much closer to closure with it.

    I am cautiously excited about your new cycle, cautiously because I think that is what you want..no cheers adn megaphones, just good old fashioned things chanted over and over. As you friend, I’d love this transfer to work and for your 36th birthday to be a time of WONDERFUL SURPRISES.
    xo

  5. I think knowing the why is the first step in breaking the chain. How many more steps it will take and what those steps will have to be is a whole other matter. Glad you are keeping with the therapy and I’m hopeful it will take you to a better place with things.

  6. I’m glad that you feel the therapy may be helping, from my own personal experience I know you have to like, then be friends with yourself, before things start feeling good. That’s me anyway πŸ˜› mr three sounds like handful! Don’t worry, you have teenagerism to look forward to! I have 3 teen step kids and giving them cake after lunch was a mistake! Sugar rush! I wish you the best of luck with the FET, and I’m glad you have found some calm to go with it. Stay strong πŸ™‚

  7. Oh almost three is killing me too lately!!

  8. Oh, God, almost 3. (Do two 2s equal a 3?) I’m impressed you have the stamina to sit down and type a post, let alone process your therapy sessions, let alone GO to therapy sessions. So I’d say you’re doing pretty well. : )

  9. I hope you’ve already seen the bottom, reached your turning point, and are on the way to finding much happier times. πŸ™‚ As always, cheering you along the way.

    XOXO


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