In the Moment.

March 15, 2011 at 8:30 am | Posted in FET #6: Another Chance, Infertility | 9 Comments

You’re all right, you know.

I’m in the middle of a 2ww. Which – uh HELLO! – means there’s a chance Nemo might stick.

It’s possible that this obsessing over the next step is a moot point.

Problem is. I’ve always coped with our cycles by figuring out the next step; planning for the inevitable worst case scenario.

And what I’m struggling with here is ALL of the uncertainty. I don’t know if this will work, but if it doesn’t, I don’t REALLY know what our next step is, either.

There’s not a small amount of beating myself up ahead of time, too, for giving up too early. I want an excuse to stop trying, something out of my control, because I know myself. If I walk away from treatments, there will always be a part of me that thinks I’m weak.

I know that there are so many people who would be FORTUNATE to be in our position – where cycles are mostly taken care of by insurance. We’ll be out $3,000 for the year, but not $15-20K like so many other people I know.

The problem, as I see it – is that it’s hard to know when to stop when there’s no lack of funds that DECIDE it FOR you. When your doctor tells you that maybe the next cycle will work, that he believes it MIGHT work, it’s hard to say no, thanks, we’re tapped out.

With every cycle we’re not pregnant, the age difference between O and his sibling gets bigger. And I get older – even though I know in the grand scheme of things 35 is not old. And already we’re seeing a drop in embryo and egg quality – though I know that this past protocol was not really optimised for quality, per se, just numbers.

But.

BUT.

You know, this COULD work, too. I never seem to play out the BEST case scenario and plan for that. Because it’ll hurt if it doesn’t work. Because I’m teasing myself. Or something.

So yesterday, after reading some of your comments, I decided to drop the “what next?” question and focus on the here and now. To be in the moment, to really allow myself to feel both the fear AND the hope.

And on the way home from work, I popped in my favorite Guster CD. It was the one I used to listen to all the time when I was pregnant with O, when he was still named Squishy (also from Finding Nemo, good call, Deborah!).

I put on the song where I felt the closest to O during my pregnancy. And as I sang it, I imagined I was sending love and warmth to the little embryo that is currently with me right now.

It won’t hurt any less if I let myself love Nemo and the cycle fails. It won’t hurt me to acknowledge that I am really hoping that it happens.

I’ve really got nothing to lose.

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9 Comments »

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  1. Hugs. I’m totally a planner as well. It helped me deal with the twws if I was always thinking about the next option. I’m glad, though, you can find a bit of space to stay in the moment.

    Hoping so much you don’t have to face the what-ifs.
    xoxoxo

  2. I watch a lot of Finding Nemo – although not as much as somebody would like me to!

    It makes perfect sense to focus on the next step; it makes it easier to deal with the fact that this cycle might not work. But right now might not be the time to focus on next steps. You’ve got an embryo in you right now, and I think sending some love to Nemo is a good thing. Of course, I’m really hoping he sticks, but if he doesn’t, you will have done what you could (for him & you) during this time.

  3. Yes, the uncertainty (not only of the “am I”/”no I’m not” thoughts but also of the “what next” thoughts) is the worst part of the 2ww.

    We had Part I of our home study interview last night and the social worker asked me how I felt in the adoption process vs. infertility process and I said that the worst part of the adoption process was the lack of control and uncertainty about how/when etc. So, it’s the same on this side.

    And, I do not want to minimize how you are feeling about would be age difference or your own age, but I will be 45 in May and my son is now 4 and when we are blessed to welcome another one into our family, it will all work itself out. I have two friends who have 6 years between their kids and it’s worked out great (and I have friends with three under four and they make it work, too). You will find your way (and will be so deliriously happy to be on the other side of family building that you will embrace it all).

  4. now there’s the girl I love..singing her heart out, holding onto hope for Nemo and knowing that we are all here to hold her up in her 2WW. I am here, always.
    xoxo

  5. I have to have a plan in order to feel like I am moving forward. Without it, I feel lost….this being said…you will know when you have had enough and not having the $$ factor does put the onus on you…which in a way is more difficult b/c there is nothing worse than feeling like you are giving up. I’ll now throw in the marathon similie, just because I have to: it’s a long @ss hard battle. Fight until the end. Only you know when you’ve gone far enough.

  6. That’s true about full coverage being a different kind of burden. In a way I liked having a clearly drawn line.

    I think the Nemo reference is a sign that you’re thinking more positively than you imagine. : )

  7. I am brand new to your blog – and it really strikes a cord with me. I am thrilled to find a real time blog that is almost matching my own real efforts. I am sending you best thoughts – there are always some to spare. I am on day 4 of injections with my second fresh cycle. I really liked what one of the replies said about wanting to have a life, not just fertility treatments (paraphrased).
    Thank you for your honesty –

  8. Uncertainty and waiting are bullshit.

  9. Music is a wonderful thing. So is “in the moment”. I think different tactics work at different times, and planning ahead is just not working for you at present. So “in the moment” is definitely a good one to try.

    Bea


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