I am not pregnant.

March 18, 2011 at 8:21 am | Posted in FET #6: Another Chance, Heartbreak, Infertility | 11 Comments

I just wanted to say this out loud.

Because it’s been a drumbeat in my head for days now.

I have zero symptoms. Nothing I can even blame on the progesterone, which is my usual.

My breasts remain free from ache.

I thought, maybe a couple of days ago, since in the afternoons I was getting gassy and bloated.

But as it turns out, my new cereal has never-before-consumed levels of fiber.

I am not pregnant.

*sigh*

I have no inclination to pee on a stick, despite the bevy of tests I have in my cabinet. I just can’t see the white.

I can’t confirm what I suspect. I’m too chicken.

J and I did have that discussion about the End of Trying. It was an amazing discussion – free of the miscommunication of the past few months. Free of emotions.

He told me that he was done with trying, but if I really wanted to, he had it in him for one more fresh cycle. And MAYBE, just maybe, a FET.

And he told me he was really worried about telling me this, because I wasn’t really considering our family of three as a CHOICE – merely an outcome of losing to infertility.

Which is true.

I’m not ready to stop. I’m not ready to give up.

But I don’t have it in me to do more cycles, either.

Maybe I have another fresh cycle in me. Maybe a FET.

Maybe. I don’t really even know.

But I can’t end it now. I just can’t.

So we’ll do another fresh cycle, yes.

But also?

I AM going to sit with the idea of ending treatments. Not as a last resort. But as something we actively CHOOSE.

I want to find reasons to embrace being a family of three.

Since it’s starting to look like this might actually be our reality.

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11 Comments »

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  1. Well, I still hope you get the outcome everyone is wishing for. I know, for me, three still doesn’t feel like a choice. I’m lucky to even have three, but I haven’t perfected the idea of framing 3 as a choice vs the end I didn’t wish for.

    (hugs)

  2. Wow. I wish I had written that post a few years ago, cuz that was exactly where I was. I wrestled so hard and finally, finally was making my peace with the choice of an only child. (Of course, I still had one or two more cycles–not sure where it would have lead me if they had failed). Being comfortable with what you have is actually quite hard (at least it was and still is with me). But it sounds like you are doing what you both need to.

    (and I will do what I need to for you–hold out hope!) [[Hugs]]

  3. I can see where he is coming from with making it a choice. I think that is healthy. I hope some day I can make that choice instead of unending treatments…which I can see myself pushing.

  4. Ugh, you could be wrong, but ugh. I hope you can come to a choice that you all can live with relatively easily.

  5. Dang, girl. You can’t write a title like that (because it makes me think the worst…and it’s all about me, right?). You don’t know yet. Hope is a horrible terrible thing…but it ain’t over yet. Give yourself some time to process this…because in the midst of it…you may not feel like ever doing this emotionally, physically draining thing again. Your feelings right now are overwelming and with some time and space from the cycle, you may have different ideas. Or not. Whatever decision you make, you have to be OK with it…it has to feel positive, not like giving up, not like failing…like you are making a choice about how you want to spend your time on earth. I’m thinking about you.

  6. Damnit, why can’t you be pregnant? I wanted you to be pregnant!! But not as much as *you* wanted it, of course. I do like the idea of framing it as a choice. You are not “giving up” (if in fact you do make that decision), you are “choosing” to live as a family of three. I hope, somehow, you are wrong and don’t end up having to make that choice. But I like the way J is thinking.

  7. Part of me wants to say “don’t give up hope, you just never know..” and part of me knows EXACTLY where you’re at. Either way, i am so sorry for your pain. I think the choice part too rings so wise, like saying “I will not be beaten by you, infertility!!”. And you can do that by either keeping at it, or choosing to be complete with the treatments. The intellectual side of me knows that we all end up with the family we are meant to have (even if that means maybe 2 dogs and 2 cats… or maybe not), but that’s a very hard reality to think of sometimes.

    Mostly, I wish you peace.

  8. I’ll just say that I hope you get a wonderful surprise on Sunday and have to come back and write a post that you were wrong. 🙂

    XOXO

  9. I hope you’re wrong about being pregnant.

    I think you’re right that it would be easier to embrace the idea of a family of three when it is more a choice. So much about infertility is about losing your choices and it would be so nice to end fertility treatments as a choice instead of something you are forced to do.

  10. After 10 medicated cycles, 3 of them IVF, 2 CPs and 2 m/c, on our most recent 4th IVF I was positive it didn’t work. I told my husband so. I even had WINE (*gasp*) at a family gathering 2 days before my beta.

    But *it* was positive.

    I’m 16w pregnant. Twice as far as I’ve ever gotten. If all continues to go well, this will be our first take home baby.

    Hope can be a terrible thing. When we are crushed again after holding onto a great hope, it chips away at our ability to hope.

    *I* hope that, despite lack of symptoms, this one has worked for you and that you will be on your way to your family of four.

  11. Heh. Because you kind of *sound* pregnant in this post. Something about the peacefulness of your frame of mind. But anyway, we’ll see.

    I was going to say that actively *choosing* a path makes a big difference. I remember it made a big difference to the start of our treatments, looking at it as if we were choosing to do IVF rather than it being forced upon us. Even though no options were really ideal (understatement), recognising that there were options to choose from was very empowering.

    Bea


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