Confirmed.March 20, 2011 at 7:00 am | Posted in FET #6: Another Chance, Heartbreak, Infertility, The End of Trying | 35 Comments
Yesterday morning I was up at 4am, obsessing.
So at 7, I decided to test.
It confirmed what I knew to be true. Snow white BFN. Not a hint of a line. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch.
Nemo apparently didn’t survive my killer Ute.
One live birth.
It’s looking more and more like we just got lucky with O.
And we can’t go on like this.
So J and I spent the morning talking.
I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I want my life back.
I’m so fucking TIRED.
So we’re strongly considering being done with treatments forever… saying goodbye to it all. And yesterday, when we were talking, I could really SEE it. Walking away, being done, moving on. Getting my life back, focusing on the family I DO have, really CHOOSING to be in the here and now.
We haven’t yet replicated the cycle that got us pregnant with O. The low and slow protocol, the day three transfer, the assisted hatching, the antibiotics.
If we sit with quitting, really sit with it…
There is still what if?
Somehow we’re on the same page – I am not certain when it happened. But we’re there.
And we think we have it in us for one last cycle. One where I do everything I did when I got pg with O.
(Yes, even acupuncture.)
And then, if that doesn’t work, we’ll take the hint and move on.
Still, I cried when I saw that white pee stick. Not because I really had a lot of hope and it was shattered.
But because I am so fucking tired of starting again.
(And again and again and again. And again, for good measure.)
One more cycle.
And then we can be DONE.
And when we were in the car tonight, the three of us, I sat at a red light and listened to O and J sing one of O’s favorite songs on the Muppets CD.
And I thought:
I can do this.
I can embrace the family we have now as the one we’re meant to have.
I’m getting there.
35 Comments »