Confirmed.

March 20, 2011 at 7:00 am | Posted in FET #6: Another Chance, Heartbreak, Infertility, The End of Trying | 35 Comments

Yesterday morning I was up at 4am, obsessing.

So at 7, I decided to test.

It confirmed what I knew to be true. Snow white BFN. Not a hint of a line. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

Nemo apparently didn’t survive my killer Ute.

Fourteen embryos.

One live birth.

It’s looking more and more like we just got lucky with O.

And we can’t go on like this.

So J and I spent the morning talking.

I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I want my life back.

I’m so fucking TIRED.

So we’re strongly considering being done with treatments forever… saying goodbye to it all. And yesterday, when we were talking, I could really SEE it. Walking away, being done, moving on. Getting my life back, focusing on the family I DO have, really CHOOSING to be in the here and now.

Except.

We haven’t yet replicated the cycle that got us pregnant with O. The low and slow protocol, the day three transfer, the assisted hatching, the antibiotics.

If we sit with quitting, really sit with it…

There is still what if?

Somehow we’re on the same page – I am not certain when it happened. But we’re there.

And we think we have it in us for one last cycle. One where I do everything I did when I got pg with O.

(Yes, even acupuncture.)

And then, if that doesn’t work, we’ll take the hint and move on.

Still, I cried when I saw that white pee stick. Not because I really had a lot of hope and it was shattered.

But because I am so fucking tired of starting again.

(And again and again and again. And again, for good measure.)

One more cycle.

And then we can be DONE.

And when we were in the car tonight, the three of us, I sat at a red light and listened to O and J sing one of O’s favorite songs on the Muppets CD.

And I thought:

I can do this.

I can embrace the family we have now as the one we’re meant to have.

I’m getting there.

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35 Comments »

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  1. Sorry. I wanted this to work for you guys.

  2. Oh, hon, I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.

    I’m really glad you’re going to do the low and slow protocol. Best case, you get lucky again. But if not, I think it will give you the closure you need to move on without regrets.

  3. 😦

  4. Fuck.

  5. I am so sorry. I was hoping you would not have to be at this place. But I am glad you are embracing a plan and finding a way to go on. I am glad you and J are on the same page. And I am hopeful that the last cycle will be the one.

  6. I’m really sorry, Serenity. : (

  7. I’ve been reading for awhile but haven’t commented. I’m sorry this cycle didn’t work out. My husband and I faced the same thing as you this time last year. We started back at treatments in April and basically gave ourselves a cut off of July – we are older turning 39 then and just thought well we need to get to a place of peace with either we’ve tried all we could and we will accept our family of 3 or we’ll get lucky and our final treatment will work. We decided to duplicate everything we did with our daughter except we did stronger drugs, I did acupuncture and a specialized infertility massage and basically we felt like well if we’ve but our best foot forward, then we will accept what happens either way. It was tough as drug coverage ran out during the cycle, we were supposed to do IVF and then told it wasn’t covered the day before consent signing so we switched to an IUI, I ended up having only one follicle left but miracle of miracles, it worked and I’m due to have our son in 10 days which will be almost 1 year to the day we made our last batch attempt at trying. It’s been 6 years of trying, BFN’s, surgery (which I too thought would fix everything), 3 miscarriages, etc… I just mean I can very much relate to your feelings – life feels on hold while all this is happening. Even before the cycle, I made a list of all the things I would get to do if it didn’t work out and that made it easier to deal with it being the last hurrah. Now those things are on the list for after I have this little guy – but it helped me tremendously to look at the good either way – either I get pg – Yay! or get to do all these things that have been waiting or on hold – yay for me and us!

    I wish you peace as you move forward and it sounds like a great plan – do exactly what worked, add the acupuncture and then you know you tried it all and can live with whatever happens. You can do it!

  8. I’m sorry

  9. Crap.

  10. I didn’t want to see this news. I’m sorry.

    But, I’m glad to hear it made things clearer about what you are willing and not willing to do. It seems you are moving towards a more peaceful closure to treatments. But, I will still be holding out hope for you that the closure comes with another live baby.

  11. The thing with drawing lines in the sand is that you can always move those lines, in or out.

    I’m sorry, Serenity.

  12. I’m so sorry. It sounds like you have a good plan going forward, and I’m glad you’re both on the same page.

  13. Shit. I was so hoping for you … I’m sorry, Serenity. This just plain sucks. Wish I could bring you comfort food, because that’s what I do when life sucks.

  14. I’m sorry.
    I hope this next cycle is it. So you can be done and no what if.

  15. Aw crap. I’m so sorry. I was really holding out hope for little Nemo.

  16. I’m sorry. I was so hoping that this would be your time.

  17. I am sorry 😦 Hugs.

  18. I’m so sorry.

  19. I’m sorry.

    (((hugs)))

  20. Damnit. I’m so sorry. Your plan sounds excellent – because either way, you “win.”

  21. Oh no..no. I have no words…I am so sad with and for u. I wish I couls say something amazing but I just want to curse. That’s me, that’s where I am right now. I am so sorry..and I’ll be here for wherever this journey takes u..but for now I am so angry with the universe. Holding u in my heart. Xoxo

  22. You also need to realize that even if you decide that you are done and are at peace with it….there will always be a teeny part of you that will reminisce, and yes, possibly even be sad, and wonder “what if”. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t happy as a family of three…it just means that you are human and have emotions.

    The mind is a curious thing. Even after I knew, because of permanent surgery, that no further pregnancy could ever happen (aside from alien invasion or immaculate conception), there were still months that I had pregnancy thoughts, and symptoms, and wondered if just possibly the surgical procedure didn’t really work and I was possibly pregnant. There I was a college grad, with loads of common sense, still in the denial fog that is infertility….that damn fog hangs around long after it should be gone.

    Either way, I am glad to hear that you and J are on the same page.

  23. I’m so sorry honey. I cried when I read this.

  24. Oh honey I’m so very sorry. This must be incredibly hard and painful for you. I am 7 years into my IF journey but have not had the chance (money) to start treatments. And I am tired 😦 you must be goddamn exhausted. I think you are being very pragmatic and brave in make the choice you have. I hope with all my heart it turns out positive for you. Best wishes.

  25. Crying with you. I am so sorry

  26. I’m so sorry.

  27. Catching up, and so very sorry to see this news. 😦

    I’m glad you and J are on the same page. And it sounds like your plan is one that will let you, if it comes to this, be more at peace with putting an end to the treatments than you would be if you walked away right now.

    But damn I wish you weren’t having to make those decisions.
    xoxoxo

  28. Fuck. I’m so sorry, S.

    xoxoxo

  29. “Shit” seems like the only proper response. Though I do think that sometimes you need to exhaust the what ifs just to take them out of your head. And because sometimes the what if is the answer.

  30. I’m so sorry. I just wish it could be easier.

  31. What if’s suck. If you are going to move on, you need to do it with conviction and feel right about it. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing – you know what you need to do, do it.

  32. Sigh. I am so sorry, Serenity.

  33. Crap.

    There is nothing to say but “I’m sorry” and I know it isn’t any consolation at all.

    The what if’s will get you, but I understand having to replicate the cycle to eliminate them.

  34. Damn and blast. Like everyone else I was hoping this would be a success. But you have a plan and it sounds a good one.

  35. I’m so sorry this cycle didn’t work out.

    😦


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