Cocoon.March 24, 2011 at 10:34 am | Posted in IVF #5: This is IT. | 11 Comments
I’m back in that Quiet Place.
I am trying to regroup from the BFN, process through the information that came from my WTF meeting with Dr. HIT on Monday, and work through some other emtional crap that has been dredged up this week.
The meeting with Dr. HIT went well, actually. He basically told us that a single blastocyst transfer would work well if we, you know, made good blastocysts.
We don’t. Either it’s a product of my age, or the aggressive protocol, or the fact that our embryos just don’t like the culture medium. But either way, my doctor thinks it doesn’t make any sense to aim at blastocysts anymore.
So he suggested a fresh cycle with a low and slow protocol. Similar to the one with O, but tweaked for the fact that I’m now 4 years older. Where I stay on 10iu of Lupron during the stim and reduce the FSH to 150 (from 225iu).
In his words, the Lupron will keep my estrogen in check and slow things down enough that maybe we’ll tease some good quality eggs.
And then. Day three transfer. Using assisted hatching, though he told me that the data didn’t really suggest that it would help our CHANCES of becoming pregnant.
But since we did it with the cycle where we did get pregnant with O, and insurance will cover it (because it was associated with a live birth), why not?
He did suggest a transfer of two embryos. It will increase our chance of getting pregnant to nearly 50%. Will also give us a 15-20% chance of becoming pregnant with twins. Which, you know, is contraindicated with the type of uterus I’ve got.
But we’ll deal with that reality if we get there.
So with the advent of AF on Monday, I’m on the pill, and we’ll go from there. We’re aiming at a retrieval at the end of April or so.
In the meantime, I’ve signed up for a 5 mile race next weekend. And might do another in mid-April if I’m not on stims during that time.
And I’m trying to come to some sort of place of acceptance that maybe the crib, when we put it away, might be the last time I see it again.
I think I’m grieving. Which is interesting, because I really do feel like we have a good chance of getting pregnant on the next cycle.
But I’m starting to realize that, yes, there’s a very real chance that the family we have now is the family we’re GOING to have.
And I know we’re going to be all right – I’m not grieving because I’m really upset with the fact that I won’t have my dream.
It’s more grief over the fact that I’m realizing I can’t FIGHT anymore. For my whole life, whenever I’ve felt powerless (which, actually, was a LOT), I’ve fought.
Even though I KNEW fighting couldn’t change the outcome.
And that’s where I’m at right now. I can’t chance the outcome. If it’s going to work, it will. If not, it won’t.
I just can’t fight anymore.